Confession and failed marriage

[shoei]

Dear samsters,

Recently my wife found out about my affairs with my flings/friends. My marriage is failing and she does not trust me at all now. I am really foolish to committ adultery to put our marriage and family at risk.

I sincercely regretted doing all these. I am lost and dont know what to do. She told me she is staying in the marriage for our kid(very young).

I am planning to see a counsellor next week to seek help.I need help and advice. any brothers have experiences on this? what should i do?

remoseful :(

[hugs]

delete ur acct in sbf n put ur pc under child restriction so u cant visit porn n sbf anymore.

gdbye.

[goodpartner]

delete ur acct in sbf n put ur pc under child restriction so u cant visit porn n sbf anymore.

gdbye.

Hmm....
At least he is quick to acknowledge fault and be remorseful at such early stage leh :rolleyes:
Most guys won't even feel this way for a long time isn't it?


@TS. someone recently gave me this wise saying which resonate deeply in me; hope you'll feel the same and convince your wife to think likewise.

i believe everyone makes mistakes that hurt others at some point n it is those of us who care to revisit the event again in our mind n be willing to own up to the mistakes, that counts.

Have a good talk with her sincerely. Good luck!

[Assplorer]

well bro , you had taken the right step back to reality . its gona be a long process to heal this hurt you had done . Forgiving is one thing . forgetting is another thing . Wish you good luck cos you need it .

[RealEstateGuy]

Dear samsters,

Recently my wife found out about my affairs with my flings/friends. My marriage is failing and she does not trust me at all now. I am really foolish to committ adultery to put our marriage and family at risk.

I sincercely regretted doing all these. I am lost and dont know what to do. She told me she is staying in the marriage for our kid(very young).

I am planning to see a counsellor next week to seek help.I need help and advice. any brothers have experiences on this? what should i do?

remoseful :(

Brother, you need to focus prospectively and regain the trust of your wife. I cant call you a real man for your past actions. You know that SG society frowns upon adultery and yet you proceeded to sin anyway. I suggest you get counseling immediately and work hard to ensure this is the beginning of a new solid loving foundation built on trust with your wife rather than the beginning of divorce proceesings. Right now, she has every right to party it out one night and get laid in your master bedroom with you watching. Unless you wnat that and want to save your marraige and your family structure you need to change for the better.

[RealEstateGuy]

Dear samsters,

Recently my wife found out about my affairs with my flings/friends. My marriage is failing and she does not trust me at all now. I am really foolish to committ adultery to put our marriage and family at risk.

I sincercely regretted doing all these. I am lost and dont know what to do. She told me she is staying in the marriage for our kid(very young).

I am planning to see a counsellor next week to seek help.I need help and advice. any brothers have experiences on this? what should i do?

remoseful :(

Brother, you need to focus prospectively and regain the trust of your wife. I cant call you a real man for your past actions. You know that SG society frowns upon adultery and yet you proceeded to sin anyway. I suggest you get counseling immediately and work hard to ensure this is the beginning of a new solid loving foundation built on trust with your wife rather than the beginning of divorce proceesings. Right now, she has every right to party it out one night and get laid in your master bedroom with you watching. Unless you wnat that and want to save your marraige and your family structure you need to change for the better. You should not take your wife for granted. Counseling should have proceeded when you had the urge to sin not after the fact when your wife is mad.

[Xgenre]

delete ur acct in sbf n put ur pc under child restriction so u cant visit porn n sbf anymore.

gdbye.

The irony is that when the cheating husband does exactly that (deleting SBF account and don't visit sbf anymore), the cheated wife may come to sbf to seek consolation and to ask us for our views on why this happened and how to move forward henceforth.

[shoei]

Brother, you need to focus prospectively and regain the trust of your wife. I cant call you a real man for your past actions. You know that SG society frowns upon adultery and yet you proceeded to sin anyway. I suggest you get counseling immediately and work hard to ensure this is the beginning of a new solid loving foundation built on trust with your wife rather than the beginning of divorce proceesings. Right now, she has every right to party it out one night and get laid in your master bedroom with you watching. Unless you wnat that and want to save your marraige and your family structure you need to change for the better. You should not take your wife for granted. Counseling should have proceeded when you had the urge to sin not after the fact when your wife is mad.

thank you for your advice.

I have arranged the counselling next week. I know I hurt her very badly. I want to work hard to save this marriage I have. right now, I am willing to do anything to win her trust.

I know it is wrong for me to do what I have done. although she will not forget this, but how can I gain her forgiveness?

[shoei]

delete ur acct in sbf n put ur pc under child restriction so u cant visit porn n sbf anymore.

gdbye.

I did consider that before and I believe in the near future I will do that. but I seek understanding and compassion for advice from experience brothers here.

sorry.

[shoei]

Hmm....
At least he is quick to acknowledge fault and be remorseful at such early stage leh :rolleyes:
Most guys won't even feel this way for a long time isn't it?


@TS. someone recently gave me this wise saying which resonate deeply in me; hope you'll feel the same and convince your wife to think likewise.



Have a good talk with her sincerely. Good luck!

thanks bro, I did. I know even admitting the mistake and recovering from it are two different matters.

[hugs]

TS,

i have seen girl friends of mine in this n i was there with them for afew yrs after their marriage broke down so seriously my advice is this. delete everything that will link u to another woman. cos a cheated wife is super sensitive now. she must feel u r sincere n that she needs to feel u love her.

and besides woman charter is strong in sg so is time u shd learn to wipe ur ass clean. i have seen a friend who sent husband's phone n pc to expert detectives who can trace stuff out. (fuk whose side am i on now? the cheated woman or the cheating man?) but my intention is all good. i am hoping u understand it isnt easy for the wife to trust again if she caught the husband cheating her before.

and hey bro X, i came to sbf not for advice on what to do with my ex-husband or the relationship leh. i nvr ask anyone what to do with my ex-husband, shd i poison him or send him a bomb etc. me n my ex-husband talked over the phone when he was in china n he said it over the phone to me that he was looking for love in china so i shd move on with my life without him. it only took him 1 min to break the news to me. i didnt have time nor the choice to decide what to do with our relationship. he dumped me n the kids n took only 1 min to do it. i came to sbf cos he also left behind a 10k debts for us. he came back 1 yr later to say he missed the kids n missed coming back home. i gave him a slap(not that i am the violent type but my hand auto that day) n said i did FL for 2 months so the kids had food n a shelter(yup he knows it 4 yrs ago cos i told him. i have always been a open type of person while he has alot of secrets type of person. n he sold away the flat, he is super prepared) n we got over the missing him part long ago. i said it took us only a min to do that. and as for asking why it happened, i was in need of hearing words that may help me heal my wounded heart. wont anyone ask why the quake happened to my family or why my mother fallen sick and all that? when bad things happen to anyone it is natural to ask why mah. so cannot ask izzit :P (btw why u ask for my mailing address n then so long still didnt give me urs?)

sorry TS i so long winded. dont come to sbf anymore. find a bro from here if u need advice n meet him up instead. at least if she send detective it only proves u r meeting a man.

[alan0338]

if kena cot liao then really lan lan need to be a good boy liao, r/s with OC will nv be the same ...

[hoA123]

破镜难重圆
TS, imho, it's not only what to stop doing and what to start.
try to woo your wife again.
live the promise you gave her.

good luck.

[chriz44]

Hi bro, i admire you for recognising n admitting yr faults. But before you start the long road to recovery, pls share why you started yr flings in the 1st place.

To fully recover, one must know why or what caused it in the 1st place so that you can overcome.

[Canoneos]

Did you just have sex or love affair? If you have been eating out because your wife doesn't cook at home, then I think you have a better chance of reconciling. If it is a love affair, then it will be extremely difficult.

[shoei]

TS,

i have seen girl friends of mine in this n i was there with them for afew yrs after their marriage broke down so seriously my advice is this. delete everything that will link u to another woman. cos a cheated wife is super sensitive now. she must feel u r sincere n that she needs to feel u love her.

and besides woman charter is strong in sg so is time u shd learn to wipe ur ass clean. i have seen a friend who sent husband's phone n pc to expert detectives who can trace stuff out. (fuk whose side am i on now? the cheated woman or the cheating man?) but my intention is all good. i am hoping u understand it isnt easy for the wife to trust again if she caught the husband cheating her before.

and hey bro X, i came to sbf not for advice on what to do with my ex-husband or the relationship leh. i nvr ask anyone what to do with my ex-husband, shd i poison him or send him a bomb etc. me n my ex-husband talked over the phone when he was in china n he said it over the phone to me that he was looking for love in china so i shd move on with my life without him. it only took him 1 min to break the news to me. i didnt have time nor the choice to decide what to do with our relationship. he dumped me n the kids n took only 1 min to do it. i came to sbf cos he also left behind a 10k debts for us. he came back 1 yr later to say he missed the kids n missed coming back home. i gave him a slap(not that i am the violent type but my hand auto that day) n said i did FL for 2 months so the kids had food n a shelter(yup he knows it 4 yrs ago cos i told him. i have always been a open type of person while he has alot of secrets type of person. n he sold away the flat, he is super prepared) n we got over the missing him part long ago. i said it took us only a min to do that. and as for asking why it happened, i was in need of hearing words that may help me heal my wounded heart. wont anyone ask why the quake happened to my family or why my mother fallen sick and all that? when bad things happen to anyone it is natural to ask why mah. so cannot ask izzit :P (btw why u ask for my mailing address n then so long still didnt give me urs?)

sorry TS i so long winded. dont come to sbf anymore. find a bro from here if u need advice n meet him up instead. at least if she send detective it only proves u r meeting a man.
thank you for your advice. I am now very honest w my wife. I have broken clean all the contacts I had. I agree w u that she is very sensitive now. I only seek for her forgiveness. she's only staying in the marriage for the kids. but I still love her.

its difficult to find a guy and friend here. I wished I know what I can do now...

[shoei]

if kena cot liao then really lan lan need to be a good boy liao, r/s with OC will nv be the same ...

I agree. nv the same anymore.

I implored all guys who love ur oc to never let them down. don't be like me..

[shoei]

Did you just have sex or love affair? If you have been eating out because your wife doesn't cook at home, then I think you have a better chance of reconciling. If it is a love affair, then it will be extremely difficult.

its both. I should have never done that...

[hugs]

TS,

from ur last few posts, u r showing sign of developing depression. listen to the good advice that friend of bro goodpartner gave :) everyone makes mistakes, blaming urself isnt going to make ur wife forgives u. so now that u regretted what u had done, u must firstly forgive urself n then start loving her. this is a better solution than staying in depression n crying over spilled milk.

u have to make sure she feels the love now. she is sad n u r sad = not helping the situation right? and believe me the kids can feel it when there is tension at home between parents. so now look at it that ur wife is sick at her heart n she needs to heal. and u r the best doctor. dont let her find comfort from someone else becos now she is staying in the marriage becos of the kids n soon she wont be staying marriage becos of the kids. she will be looking for new daddy for them. it is a natural instinct in a woman that a cheating husband makes bad daddy.

dont stop making love(having sex) btw. woo her again n start making love to her as much as u can.

[kayslyn]

IMO, action speaks louder than words. You don't just type here and say you're sorry about everything you've done. You need to show it to your wife. Probably the kids can be your cupid now since she's staying in the marriage for the kids..

Jiayou! (:

[RealEstateGuy]

I suggest the two of you take a second honeymoon soon to rekindle the love and trust. She might forgive in due time but will not forget. It's likely she will ride it out until your child is done with major expenses like a university education then kiss your ass goodbye. You set yourself up for this but if she is keeping you around as a source of income then you have a chance. Also, she wants a father figure around. If you can't do that job properly then she will kick you into the streets. Next time preempt your urge with counseling not picking up women at KTVs or having promiscuous sex with any women you meet. Keep us posted as you are not out of the woods entirely.

[shoei]

Hi bro, i admire you for recognising n admitting yr faults. But before you start the long road to recovery, pls share why you started yr flings in the 1st place.

To fully recover, one must know why or what caused it in the 1st place so that you can overcome.

I know the road to recovery is very very long. I started to have flings because my wife was preg and i couldnt bring myself to make love with her. I have made a terrible mistake... :(

[shoei]

TS,

from ur last few posts, u r showing sign of developing depression. listen to the good advice that friend of bro goodpartner gave :) everyone makes mistakes, blaming urself isnt going to make ur wife forgives u. so now that u regretted what u had done, u must firstly forgive urself n then start loving her. this is a better solution than staying in depression n crying over spilled milk.

u have to make sure she feels the love now. she is sad n u r sad = not helping the situation right? and believe me the kids can feel it when there is tension at home between parents. so now look at it that ur wife is sick at her heart n she needs to heal. and u r the best doctor. dont let her find comfort from someone else becos now she is staying in the marriage becos of the kids n soon she wont be staying marriage becos of the kids. she will be looking for new daddy for them. it is a natural instinct in a woman that a cheating husband makes bad daddy.

dont stop making love(having sex) btw. woo her again n start making love to her as much as u can.
Everyone makes mistakes. I made a big mistake most people call it taboo. I believe i am experiencing depression. I tried to get out of it.

I have been doing quite a fair bit of reading on recovery from adultery. I need to rest and forgive myself and start working on wooing her again. There has been some improvements such as we holding hands and stuff. But she wants to me stay out of her private life...
Recently, she is very close to some male friends at work whom always pick and send her between home and work. every time she is busy with her hp, texting or watsapp her friends and setting a phonelock on her phone...

I am trying to work things out with her but everytime we talk, she gets very defensive and keep saying the following:
1) I dont love u anymore
2) Stop asking me questions
3) I will not forgive u.
4) I am staying in the marriage for the children.
5) I am not going to work for our marriage/family.

I am depressed and i know i shouldnt be. I have signed up for courses at the community centres and using work to numb the feeling but it just doesn't go away.

Thank you for listening and giving valuable advice.

[JacqueMerlin]

TS, when my ex wife cheated on me, she didn't have any remorse. She told me that her bf was better than me although I worked me ass off to provide for her. When that happened, I totally gave up on her. And it proved to be the right decision. And I later had another gf who also cheated on me. The irony was that these 2 girls always have been portraying the faithful type. How sure are you that you are the only one straying? I just want to highlight the possibilities. So think carefully after you calm down. Sometimes the problems are worse than you thought. Given the feedback you receive from her shows that something is amiss if you think harder. She might be using this chance to make a good one out of you.

[shoei]

TS, when my ex wife cheated on me, she didn't have any remorse. She told me that her bf was better than me although I worked me ass off to provide for her. When that happened, I totally gave up on her. And it proved to be the right decision. And I later had another gf who also cheated on me. The irony was that these 2 girls always have been portraying the faithful type. How sure are you that you are the only one straying? I just want to highlight the possibilities. So think carefully after you calm down. Sometimes the problems are worse than you thought. Given the feedback you receive from her shows that something is amiss if you think harder. She might be using this chance to make a good one out of you.

I truly dont think that is true. She is a good girl and a good wife/mother. But u raised a valid point. i should think carefully after calming down but it is not easy..

[teebs_darklord]

Everyone makes mistakes. I made a big mistake most people call it taboo. I believe i am experiencing depression. I tried to get out of it.

I have been doing quite a fair bit of reading on recovery from adultery. I need to rest and forgive myself and start working on wooing her again. There has been some improvements such as we holding hands and stuff. But she wants to me stay out of her private life...
Recently, she is very close to some male friends at work whom always pick and send her between home and work. every time she is busy with her hp, texting or watsapp her friends and setting a phonelock on her phone...

I am trying to work things out with her but everytime we talk, she gets very defensive and keep saying the following:
1) I dont love u anymore
2) Stop asking me questions
3) I will not forgive u.
4) I am staying in the marriage for the children.
5) I am not going to work for our marriage/family.

I am depressed and i know i shouldnt be. I have signed up for courses at the community centres and using work to numb the feeling but it just doesn't go away.

Thank you for listening and giving valuable advice.

I'm guessing this issue only happened recently. If so, your wife is still very angry and upset about what you had done and thus, she will not accept your apologies or even consider getting back with you during this period. Thus, it is understood that she will say the things she has said to you (highlighted in red).

During this period, you should cut your wife a lot of slack. If you ask her about her relationships with her male colleagues now, it's only going to make matters a lot worse as her friends are her only source of comfort and support.

Recovering and salvaging your relationship is not going to be easy and will take a long time. A lot of hard work is needed on your part and hopefully you will succeed.

[hickeybites]

TS - u've got a lot of work cut out for u. as a sis who's been betrayed before, i can tell u that it may be years before u both reach true forgiveness & the pain/hurt is truly truly healed. have read somewhere (and as attested by my galfriends who were hurt from betrayal), if say affair lasted 1 year, it may take 2x that period of time (i.e. 2yrs) for both parties to truly forgive.

it'll take time for your wife to accept that u've betrayed her. in spite of how we may act, most gals/gfs/wives hold our partners high up in our hearts & respect & love our men deeply. when betrayal happens, it's like our entire universe collapses & we will wonder if the shared history was lies.

Ur wife probably also feels less attractive & jealous... when our men cheat on us, we would obsess & believe that he did so because the other party is more attractive, sexy, desirable. Give her time -- only she herself can come to terms with herself & be confident again after such shock. Of course u can help by sincerely telling her when she's beautiful etc -- again do this much later when she's ready to hear this. She may act out, act different -- all these are self protection mechanisms kicking in. U've got to understand that her sense of her own value & attractiveness has been seriously damaged.

Go for counselling & keep all your actions/life as transparent & stick to it - don't do this for a few weeks/months to only taper off. Show your wife that you're in this for the long haul & are committed to love & cherish her. Express to her somehow that she's the one for you & that u truly truly regret & are remorseful. I don't know full details but she may also have this doubt: if she didn't find out, would you have stopped the affair by yourself out of love for her. At the end of the day, it's damn tiring & painful for women to actually check up on our men; and contrary to what some may think, we don't like men to report back to us. We want our men to be open & share with us out of love & interest; it's the intention to be open that counts. If u intend to be open & faithful & committed, ur actions will naturally reflect that intention.

every relationship has its ups & downs... this is a big huge pit for u 2. but think of it this way... if u & ur wife can overcome this & climb out, ur relationship can only get better & better. U've already hit rock bottom, the only way could be upwards... Hang in there & don't waver when ur wife remains angry & defensive - she has every right to. U're depressed, guilty & probably in some hurt yourself -- please please hang in there & don't stray off to find solace somewhere else to ease your own pain. Hopefully over time, both of u can take this difficult phase as an opportunity to reflect & emerge out stronger as a couple. Take care

[hugs]

TS,

drags her with u to ur parents or her parents. get siblings involved. better to keep troubling family members then to let her find comfort in those male friends u cannot be there with her when she is with them. at least u can totally trust family members n knows they will report to u if something is amiss shd she be talking with them in private without u ard. afterall u have no idea what kind of poison those male friends/ or even female friends put into her mind n u cannot be there to speak ur side of the story.

hate to say this but, what do man always do when a woman said no? do man ever listen? no. so why u so obedient now? she said stay out of her private life n u listen? intrude pls. even if a quarrel breaks out, just pacify her n calm her down n let her cry or scream n scold whatever. she gets to vent it out n it is done with u. it is still a form of communication(quarrel) better than cold war with u n venting it with other male friends. at least u wont live to regret later in life that u shd have done something but didnt. woman is like that, if u stay out of her private life,soon someone else will walk into her private life. just let her speak her mind n if u feel the quarrel is abt to start, let her speak. this action shows u r supporting her still at this time, she will soon pick up the signal that u allow her to win in the quarrel n she will start to feel for u back. let her cry, scold u let her do what she wants but with u, not other man. when she is emotional, stay logical n control the quarrel...just let her win n thus win her back into the marriage.

[Xgenre]

and hey bro X, i came to sbf not for advice on what to do with my ex-husband or the relationship leh.

Sis hugs, I was responding to a point you were making. Just to clarify, i am not responding to your own situation ok? Cos I don't wish to be seen as being rude to you in anyway. Cos I wasn't.

dont stop making love(having sex) btw. woo her again n start making love to her as much as u can.

I think he should forget abt sex for now. Making love to the wife now is not going to be helpful. You are a lady. If your hubby cheats on you and tries to make up with u through sex, does that work? I think most guys think it won't work. Please share with us your views from a lady's point of view.

Recently, she is very close to some male friends at work whom always pick and send her between home and work. every time she is busy with her hp, texting or watsapp her friends and setting a phonelock on her phone...

Ever heard of 'For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.'? You cheated on her, is she trying to cheat on you for revenge? You didn't find her attractive, so is she trying to find guys who will make her feel wanted and attractive? You know, some ladies when they lose their heads, they really let go. whatever you can do, I can do also. In fact, I can do more!

Ever thought of leaving the family home for the time being for her to cool down? I wonder if continuing to see you will make her anger boil over and over again. If so, she might do things that are beyond her in normal situations, like affairs, ons, whatever. If you leave the house and she doesn't see you for a while, it may give her time to cool down and let her sense of logic to return. Summary; since you are a sinner in her eyes, will whatever you do now makes things worse.

[hugs]

sorry TS, this is a reply to bro X, n i dont know if ur wife is like that but i think when a wife caught the husband cheating on her, the first thing to her mind is the husband finds her no longer attractive after given birth n that the husband finds the other woman sexier. then feeling inferior the wife may reject sex(dont want the husband to compare) so to actually stop having sex will snowball that thought in the wife's imagination. this is the situation i have seen even b4 i got married so when i found out abt my husband unfaithfulness (while he was a businessman owning factory in batam 13 yrs back) we nvr stop making love cos i know if i stop i will walk out. sex plays a big part in marriage. well to cut it all, what he did to me 4 yrs plus back was the biggest of all his many unfaithfulness over the yrs n the only one that we didnt continue to have sex( he is in china duh). he did come back a yr later but then i have sex with other men already n he doesnt seem so desireable anymore. if i had not been with other man, i just might still be with him now u know n continue to suffer many of his double lifestyles. thats why bro do-u bj scolded me b4 over this. why on earth got so dumb woman aka me XD

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Dear samsters,

Recently my wife found out about my affairs with my flings/friends. My marriage is failing and she does not trust me at all now. I am really foolish to committ adultery to put our marriage and family at risk.

I sincercely regretted doing all these. I am lost and dont know what to do. She told me she is staying in the marriage for our kid(very young).

I am planning to see a counsellor next week to seek help.I need help and advice. any brothers have experiences on this? what should i do?

remoseful :(

If you really regret what you did and do not want to loose you marraige and family, do this.
1) Apologise and show that you mean it
2) Talk less and action more to win back her trust

This is a long process but you must expect many sudden outbursts from her and also, always keep your head low, yes, degrading but you got no other choice cos you fucked up in the 1st place.
Be there but dun expect her to forgive you overnight.
She may walk ahead of you in public but tag along behind.
Be prepared to be treated VERY LOW for a while and sooner or later, your actions will win her forgiveness again!
A long, painful and degrading road but who said such repairs were ever easy!
Go for it bro, I support you!!!!

[hommedoux]

If you really regret what you did and do not want to loose you marraige and family, do this.
1) Apologise and show that you mean it
2) Talk less and action more to win back her trust


Agree.

The road to forgiveness will never be easy and it will be a very long process. Sincerity is the best medicine.

Good luck.

[newyorker88]

I am trying to work things out with her but everytime we talk, she gets very defensive and keep saying the following:
1) I dont love u anymore
2) Stop asking me questions
3) I will not forgive u.
4) I am staying in the marriage for the children.
5) I am not going to work for our marriage/family.

.

Overall, it seems that she is still mad and sore at your mistakes. What is going thru now is communication problem, and she is the one who refuse to TALK things out properly. by saying the above. Let her know that if she refuse to talk out her inner feelings, and no communication between both of you is possible, the only way is the dreaded DIVORCE. If she stay on for the kids, she must be fair to the kids as well to stay "connected" to you. Let her understand this. Kids are very sensitive to parents emotions, if she is to stay by the kids for the sake of the kids, she must open herself up to you, as well... I know it is going to be hard for her to accept it and forgive you, but work and care for the kids like a good father, that will help too...


She sms her friends and family becos she need to talk out the feelings inside her too... I am sure she is trying to release her stress as well...by talking to others... Be it a male friend or female friend... You got to have some trust in her, since she decided to stay on for the sake of kids. If you confront her that she is going with another man, then it will be over. This is most difficult time for her as well... Do you know which female friend she is talking to? Or trusted male friends? Maybe telling them that you are sorry and wish to mend your ways to your wife is a start, provided that they are willing to put in a good word for you.

If you need more help... PM me..

[hugs]

actually i did got angry with my ex-husband once when he came back from batam with scratch mark on his back, he said he got too tired n asked the ah-ma from the hotel massage spa to the room but he felt asleep so didnt know what she did to him(ya right) so i went out n signed a $25k slimming sessions with beauty express but didnt go for any instead i ate alot n put on weight. my ex-husband didnt complain but instead he continue to make love with me n obey me during those love making n soon i started feeling i was too much n rewarded him with hotter sex. my ex-husband is the type who see man speak man language see ghost speak ghost language, even if he is in the wrong he can turn situation ard looks like a sad puppy. he can even make his competitor buys from him. so u see, all kinds of guys n girls in the world n not one method fitx all. i have seen guys with wife n mistressES n they live happily knowing of each others' existence while some cannot. whatever all of us posted here is for u to ponder over n decide what is best suited for urself. the choice is still urs to make. but depression is a killer so dont step into it. no matter what situation u r in, isnt the end of ur life yet.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

i have seen guys with wife n mistressES n they live happily knowing of each others' existence while some cannot.


Hehehe yes yes

[hugs]

and TS,

i am not teaching u to become a player but lets face it, in every situation, be it in work or relationship, the one who take charge, wins. so depression is not the only choice leh.

my ex-husband whenever he is in a cornered situation, he will bite the bullets or do whatever he needed to so that he can survive it. if he feels i suspect anything, he will spent time talking with me like hours n hours but then he smartly changed topic to talk about his work for hours n hours also till i was the one who got bored n dont want to talk liao. altho i wont want him back into my life now(i doubt if he is back i ever get get him out again cos he always can manage me somehow haiz..but i am the jealous type so no way he can have mistress altho i think he is capable of it) but i still sing praises of him becos he do show me that he can survive n live well even now man. i am the one suffering cos i was under the circumstances while he is street smart n know how to make best choices for himself. i can call him a bastard but still i wish i survived like he did, he no need to ask people what to do wan cos he like snake knows how to wiggle his way out wan. at work hor, everyone drives the boss if go malaysia, but the boss drives him if he is going along(see lah, n then he made me forget to ask what he did in the room really sleeping or not when they played strip poker with malaysian girls) and i hate my elder son cos he is 100% + 1 like my ex-husband. they born with the gift to control people.

ps: hi bro do-u-bj XD

[sammyboyfor]

How did all this lovey dovey stuff end up in a commercial sex forum dedicated to finding good whores to fuck????:confused:

[hugs]

fuK! i hate lovey dovey stuff i shall watch my posting from now on. btw why no one up me huh? only got kana zap cos of off topic post(jk)

[DO_YOU_BJ]

How did all this lovey dovey stuff end up in a commercial sex forum dedicated to finding good whores to fuck????:confused:

Well, you did say this was Aunty Agony's section lolzzzzzz

[sammyboyfor]

Well, you did say this was Aunty Agony's section lolzzzzzz

Yeah but if you read the forum preamble, it's actually for loonies who can't distinguish between love and commercial sex and end up wanting to marry whores simply because they had a couple of good fucks which they paid for in cash.

It's ended up as a counseling centre for broken marriages. :eek:

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Yeah but if you read the forum preamble, it's actually for loonies who can't distinguish between love and commercial sex and end up wanting to marry whores simply because they had a couple of good fucks which they paid for in cash.

It's ended up as a counseling centre for broken marriages. :eek:

Hahaha ah well, the world is made up all kinds of loony tunes ya lol

[EcceHomo]

TS, your predicament, if true, isn't unique, so wise up and wake up!

Dude, you've got to be responsible and accountable for your actions. Everything has a cause and effect so you can run but can you hide from the consequences of your decisions forever?

But wallowing in self-pity isn't going to change things. In fact it's just a way of assuaging your guilt and shirking your responsibilities. Stop wasting your time hanging around here trawling for advice - go out, take a walk and calm yourself down. You've made some bad choices that let folks who are important to you down. That much is certain but what can you now do to make things better? Think seriously about what kind of concrete gestures you can do to make amends. Change. Truly and completely. And please also accept that despite your regret and best efforts, things might not turn out the way you want them to.

Ask yourself what is important to you. Your family? Or the casual passion and affection of an affair, or worse, the cheap company of whores? Don't kid yourself. And if your loved ones are those you prioritize and the answer is so obviously clear to you, don't look back and just move on. Forget this site, others like it and just keep on walking.

I don't think it's wise to prejudge your wife's intentions in going to her male friends nor have you provided other details so it's be a bit presumptuous to jump to any conclusion. Anyway, it's good to seek out relatives and friends whom the two of you are both acquainted with but just be wary of pulling in too many conflicting interests and agendas. I think going to an disinterested third party such as a qualified marriage counsellor is probably a better idea as they bring a more objective and genuinely professional touch to the role of the mediator. They also provide a more detached and less emotionally charged perspective which will be helpful in highlighting whatever options are left to you and your spouse. And do see a psychiatrist on your own if the stress gets to you. It'll definitely help.

Anyway it's your life and your choice at the end of the day. Just be accountable and fair to yourself and those that mean something to you. Nobody can help you do that but yourself.

[hugs]

TS, your predicament, if true, isn't unique, so wise up and wake up!

. Forget this site, others like it and just keep on walking.

.


exactly just like my first post in here, TS delete acct, get someone to clean up pc n then dont come back here anymore. cya

[Castrol]

I sincercely regretted doing all these. I am lost and dont know what to do. She told me she is staying in the marriage for our kid(very young).

I am planning to see a counsellor next week to seek help.I need help and advice. any brothers have experiences on this? what should i do?

bro why spend money and time see counsellor?
just continue to po lo so her until she is happy lah. :D

[DO_YOU_BJ]

bro why spend money and time see counsellor?
just continue to po lo so her until she is happy lah. :D

Nowadays, everything everybody also looking for a quick fix.
Many forgot, want to eat fruit, still must plant seed, nurture it till it becomes a tree then got fruits of labour.
Better still, wanna have baby, fuck already still must wait 10 months for baby to pop!

[newyorker88]

actually i did got angry with my ex-husband once when he came back from batam with scratch mark on his back.

Man who are not at home are not your husband...

[hugs]

bro newyorker, what do u mean? anyway that incident happened when we were married n he went offshore for work n back home after work.

if u r saying that once a man outside home like a cat will seek mice to play, then ok so true so true.

[shoei]

TS, your predicament, if true, isn't unique, so wise up and wake up!

Dude, you've got to be responsible and accountable for your actions. Everything has a cause and effect so you can run but can you hide from the consequences of your decisions forever?

But wallowing in self-pity isn't going to change things. In fact it's just a way of assuaging your guilt and shirking your responsibilities. Stop wasting your time hanging around here trawling for advice - go out, take a walk and calm yourself down. You've made some bad choices that let folks who are important to you down. That much is certain but what can you now do to make things better? Think seriously about what kind of concrete gestures you can do to make amends. Change. Truly and completely. And please also accept that despite your regret and best efforts, things might not turn out the way you want them to.

Ask yourself what is important to you. Your family? Or the casual passion and affection of an affair, or worse, the cheap company of whores? Don't kid yourself. And if your loved ones are those you prioritize and the answer is so obviously clear to you, don't look back and just move on. Forget this site, others like it and just keep on walking.

I don't think it's wise to prejudge your wife's intentions in going to her male friends nor have you provided other details so it's be a bit presumptuous to jump to any conclusion. Anyway, it's good to seek out relatives and friends whom the two of you are both acquainted with but just be wary of pulling in too many conflicting interests and agendas. I think going to an disinterested third party such as a qualified marriage counsellor is probably a better idea as they bring a more objective and genuinely professional touch to the role of the mediator. They also provide a more detached and less emotionally charged perspective which will be helpful in highlighting whatever options are left to you and your spouse. And do see a psychiatrist on your own if the stress gets to you. It'll definitely help.

Anyway it's your life and your choice at the end of the day. Just be accountable and fair to yourself and those that mean something to you. Nobody can help you do that but yourself.

thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. I am now trying to make things right again. I am seeing a counselor for a start. I hope I can gain her love and trust.

[goodpartner]

I am seeing a counselor for a start. I hope I can gain her love and trust.

After reading about her reaction you wrote, I think the one needing counseling is her. Their main intention is to mediate for you two, and it can only happen if BOTH of you talk to the same counselor individually, and then sit together and they'll make both of your TALK to each other, probing the right question that'll lead your wife to say what's bothering her and more importantly, what she wants before she'll accept you again (or never).

If your wife do not want to join you with the counseling sessions, my take is that she has other agenda/plan without you; because she is afraid of facing those questionings.

Give excuses that it's for the sake of the kids, die die must get her to join in.

[sammyboyfor]

thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. I am now trying to make things right again. I am seeing a counselor for a start. I hope I can gain her love and trust.

My advice is to walk away and start afresh. The broken relationship can never be restored.

Get yourself a new wife and make sure you don't make the same mistake the 2nd time round.

[newyorker88]

bro newyorker, what do u mean? anyway that incident happened when we were married n he went offshore for work n back home after work.

if u r saying that once a man outside home like a cat will seek mice to play, then ok so true so true.

That is a saying. A man not at home is not your hubby. Only when he is dead, and you put him in coffin, he is yours.

SOrry to hear about your divorce case. Hope life is going good for you. Marriage works only if there is communication between 2 parties. If communication breaks down, it will lead to alot of problems and ultimately seperation.

Why in the first place a man will go out to seek love outside the marriage? That is a question both party must face. I hope TS will find out his problems and solve it.

[newyorker88]

After reading about her reaction you wrote, I think the one needing counseling is her. Their main intention is to mediate for you two, and it can only happen if BOTH of you talk to the same counselor individually, and then sit together and they'll make both of your TALK to each other, probing the right question that'll lead your wife to say what's bothering her and more importantly, what she wants before she'll accept you again (or never).

If your wife do not want to join you with the counseling sessions, my take is that she has other agenda/plan without you; because she is afraid of facing those questionings.

Give excuses that it's for the sake of the kids, die die must get her to join in.

Yes, problems does not lie in one person, it takes two to tango. Counseling works becos 2 parties want to solve the problem. If one party dont want to go, it will be useless.

[hugs]

thanks bro newyorker, life has been peaceful n i sleep more soundly now even since i put my ex-husband out of my life. it took me awhile.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

My advice is to walk away and start afresh. The broken relationship can never be restored.

Get yourself a new wife and make sure you don't make the same mistake the 2nd time round.

Man, for once, I am totally not in favour wif your suggestion.
One should learn to face his actions and not run away.
I saw wat kind of person you are now boss...sad:(

[jonrai]

in many cases, most broken marriage life will never be the same. Ask youself few questions,

1. What if this situation remain for years? Can you tahan?
2. What if your wife has start another relationship? Will you get mad?
3. Do u think attend a few counselling will work or What if counselling doesn't work? what is ur next plan?
4. Do you know who are the most ppl she respect most? Should be her family member, consult with them what had happened.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Dear jonrai, in life, there's no easy way to anything.
One must learn to face the music he created not run from it....it's through this, that wisdom is born!
Imagine this, you bot a house, renovated it, then after a while living in it, you dun like it, what do you do?
Do you renovate it till you find it suitable to be your sanctuary?
Or, do you move out & find one?
Question here is, will you ever find one?
Allow me to explain my tots in response to yours in red.

in many cases, most broken marriage life will never be the same.
Yes, they'll never be the same again, cause it wasnt the other but yourself that screwed everything up.

Ask youself few questions,

1. What if this situation remain for years? Can you tahan?
Guess in the end, what do you want?
Can you apply the same to yourself if you the party who was hurt?
Have you spared a tot for the kid?
If you haven even try yet and already reach this tot, you already gave up before you started

2. What if your wife has start another relationship? Will you get mad?
You already lost the rite to be mad, cos you already displayed all signs that you have no moral, no integrity nor respect to your wife and children

3. Do u think attend a few counselling will work or What if counselling doesn't work? what is ur next plan?
Counseling will only work if both parties want it to work.
But if only 1 party thinks that going to a counselor will help the other party accept and move on, they are very very wrong!

4. Do you know who are the most ppl she respect most? Should be her family member, consult with them what had happened.
Yes correct, but 1st her family must be ready to forgive you for your misdeeds before they start to persuade your wife to forgive you & give you 2 another chance.

The only moral way, is to, like i said, make it work again.
The easy way is, oh ok, i fucked up, tata, to greener pastures i go!

[PeteTsang69]

How did all this lovey dovey stuff end up in a commercial sex forum dedicated to finding good whores to fuck????:confused:

Dear Sammy …u r providing a great social service … by accident :p .. Doing good here

Bros & sis come here to get it as it is … from those who have been thru it …straight…no BS

We are just all trying to make sense of what is happening around us …why we do what we do ..even if those things are not what we want to do … & why things happen ..even those things we don’t want to happen….


I have 5 points: make it sweet I don’t elaborate ..let others think about it..

1. MIND is LOOKING for NOVELTY
2. We are HEDONISTIC ..focus on PRESENT TOO MUCH
3. SOCIETY CHANGING - ease of access to ills exacerbates effect
4 Solution is to have our own GOALS ….&
5. learn to FOCUS


This also support by seneca …Seneca:" On The Shortness of Life”

"For the human mind is naturally mobile and enjoys activity. Every chance of stimulation and distraction is welcome to it - even more welcome to all those inferior characters who actually enjoy being worn out by busy activity".

….woaw, seneca predicted ”FACEBOOK”???


"IDLENESS IS THE ROOT OF MISCHIEF
“IDLE HANDS ARE THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP”
"AN IDLE MIND IS THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP"

A person who doesn't have something particular to occupy himself with doing will be tempted to occupy himself with mischief.


Clue comes from this guy….philip zimbardo - time pespective…am afraid you have watch 10 min video to understand better..
http://comment.rsablogs.org.uk/2010/05/24/rsa-animate-secret-powers-time/

(watch this too if you have the time http://comment.rsablogs.org.uk/2010/04/08/rsa-animate-drive/ )

Those who time "time perspective is present - hedonistic" is simply, someone who will watch TV first before doing revision for tomorrow's exam.

In other words they don’t think about the future & delay gratification. ..those who can, are the ones who get ahead in life… they do the work first… then reap rewards ...e.g. athletes



Society is changing: AFFLUENCE & EASY ACCESS….perfect example are spoilt children with maids who never learnt to do things from themselves..end up gaming long hours in their own rooms…next will be chatrooms (easy access to this started for me :), unfortunately i was lucky & found an FB)… chatlines..…porn …clubbing …booze. ONS work..money…affairs…HC/FL ...etc


WITHOUT HAVING A GOAL ITS DIFFICULT TO SCORE

THE SUCCESSFUL WARRIOR IS THE AVERAGE MAN, WITH LASER-LIKE FOCUS.- Bruce Lee

...just my rant today ....:D ... iknow, not directly addressing TS pers se, just the common ills here ...me included...

[sammyboyfor]

Man, for once, I am totally not in favour wif your suggestion.
One should learn to face his actions and not run away.
I saw wat kind of person you are now boss...sad:(

It has nothing to do with running away. I'm merely telling it like it is. Trust, once broken, can never be restored. You can do a clean install of your PC operating system but relationships don't work the same way.

[samyboys]

It has nothing to do with running away. I'm merely telling it like it is. Trust, once broken, can never be restored. You can do a clean install of your PC operating system but relationships don't work the same way.

rather true for this statement

[jonrai]

Dear jonrai, in life, there's no easy way to anything.
One must learn to face the music he created not run from it....it's through this, that wisdom is born!
Imagine this, you bot a house, renovated it, then after a while living in it, you dun like it, what do you do?
Do you renovate it till you find it suitable to be your sanctuary?
Or, do you move out & find one?
Question here is, will you ever find one?
Allow me to explain my tots in response to yours in red.



The only moral way, is to, like i said, make it work again.
The easy way is, oh ok, i fucked up, tata, to greener pastures i go!
Hi, let me clarify my points, i am not encourage TS to get divorce right now or in near future. He should mentally prepared for worst scenario that might happened. Yes, i am agreed children come first... In long term, do you think this is healthy for children to grow up with their mum & dad with their own life style? Make it work again required both party to agree or happy with it, otherwise might get negative impact..
Can you apply the same to yourself if you the party who was hurt? Sorry, I not able to answer you because I am man. Woman might think differently.

[hugs]

My advice is to walk away and start afresh. The broken relationship can never be restored.

Get yourself a new wife and make sure you don't make the same mistake the 2nd time round.


so true so true, die die also the 2nd marriage must work ok or ur wife will laugh her head off if u marry the 3rd time:eek: :D

btw i think sbf is evolving n is time to do away with the zapping of off-topic post. since boss himself has become agony uncle;)

[sammyboyfor]

btw i think sbf is evolving n is time to do away with the zapping of off-topic post. since boss himself has become agony uncle;)

I have never tagged any thread for discussing relationship issues of any sort.

However, you start a thread in this section looking for someone to jog with, You're just asking to be zapped. :rolleyes:

[hugs]

grrhh..i dont wan 2 tok with u, u r the boss u set the rules so sure win wan

[see see only]

Life as it is ..... :rolleyes:

Me not an Anti-marriage but after 2 failed marriage, somehow realised we are all brain washed when young, that marriages are all perfect and happily ever after and sincerely no one tell us how to continue this story after marriage :rolleyes:

Stories are always told on how a couple meets, beautiful courtship, flowers, proposed with fire works, etc and ended with marriage (so sweet) ... full stop :p but we ask some mature people who actually understand, marriage is a beginning of an untold story which a couple must maintain and make it wonderful and happening and how to live together.

However TS, if you cannot stop the habit on seeing someone else and yet you married a woman who classified her husband as you been hers and only hers, i sincerely believe the ending of this untold story will not have a good ending.

So now it is up to you to stop your seeing someone else habit and ask for forgiveness or start to brain wash her that this untold story may not necessary be as perfect as she thought ... once a while must close 1 or even 2 eyes ............

......... Mate the choice is yours ... of cos there is another choice that we all know :)

[shoei]

first and foremost, I appreciate all the advice and prospective all fellow friends here with me. allowed me to see things from a different angle and levels.

for me, I believe I have hurt and damaged my marriage. I have played my cards wrongly and honestly screwed up big time. and I do agree w the forum owner that a broken relationship will not be the same anymore.

I have spend time thinking and questioning myself on what I want. keeping in mind that change is the only constant, I desire to mend the marriage and be responsible for the hurt I caused. although she is not willing to go to counseling w me, I am still going to show her that I am sincerce in changing myself and be faithful to her.

lost.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

I am still going to show her that I am sincerce in changing myself and be faithful to her.

lost.

CLAP CLAP well dun bro.
You have earned my admiration.
Getting respect is easy, earning lost respect is most difficult and thus deserves the utmost admiration.
Kudos.
You have attained enlightenment
逃避是后悔的开始
面对是幸福的开始
Upz u dude

[sammyboyfor]

although she is not willing to go to counseling w me, I am still going to show her that I am sincerce in changing myself and be faithful to her.
lost.

Don't waste your time. These sorts of gestures are never appreciated.

[shoei]

Yes, problems does not lie in one person, it takes two to tango. Counseling works becos 2 parties want to solve the problem. If one party dont want to go, it will be useless.

I agree with you that counselling is more effective if both parties attend together.

But the problem is my wife states very clearly that she is not going to work for the marriage. she is only staying in for the kids. So she is unwilling to go for it.

:(

[shoei]

CLAP CLAP well dun bro.
You have earned my admiration.
Getting respect is easy, earning lost respect is most difficult and thus deserves the utmost admiration.
Kudos.
You have attained enlightenment
逃避是后悔的开始
面对是幸福的开始
Upz u dude

Thank you bro. Much appreciated.

I have never been a good husband and now its time to be a good one. i still have a very long way ahead of me in gaining her trust back.

[sammyboyfor]

But the problem is my wife states very clearly that she is not going to work for the marriage. she is only staying in for the kids. So she is unwilling to go for it.

:(

Tell her she can have the kids.

You can make some new kids with your next wife.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Tell her she can have the kids.

You can make some new kids with your next wife.

Wahahaha devil's advocate:eek:

[DO_YOU_BJ]

my wife states very clearly that she is not going to work for the marriage. she is only staying in for the kids. So she is unwilling to go for it.

:(

话里有话bro.
Now, its your show, so earn back her trust!

[see see only]

话里有话bro.
Now, its your show, so earn back her trust!

Ture Bro DYB ....


However TS do check with yourself first and make sure you are not asking her back because of a sudden lost and you are not used to it. Ask yourself honestly ;)

And if you decided and did manage to win her heart back, do try to control the situation OR be ready to be control again, no regret :D

If not, win her back also useless and maybe this untold story may have more worse ending :o


Finally once you cleared yourself ..........

Dont 放弃 :)

世上无难事 只怕有心人



Side track a bit, btw thks hero7 for your kind upz

[kidd]

Wahahaha devil's advocate:eek:

to make more revenue for sbf from this the the next generations ...

[kidd]

逃避是后悔的开始
面对是幸福的开始
Upz u dude

I like this quote :D

[fendy]

Bro TS,

Try all out effort to reconcile with your wife,but if it doesnt work.
tell her to look after the kids and focus on increasing your income.

once you focus on work and your income increase, there's 2 ways to your solutions.

1. your wife will be watching you closely and if you dont do hanky panky, sure she'll come back to you

2. if your wife dont come back, just arrange to provide for your children , save some money for raining days and for the little extra , go and relax have fun, as we only live once

But most important, dont go into depression at this stage, look on a brighter side and face reality

[shoei]

Bro TS,

Try all out effort to reconcile with your wife,but if it doesnt work.
tell her to look after the kids and focus on increasing your income.

once you focus on work and your income increase, there's 2 ways to your solutions.

1. your wife will be watching you closely and if you dont do hanky panky, sure she'll come back to you

2. if your wife dont come back, just arrange to provide for your children , save some money for raining days and for the little extra , go and relax have fun, as we only live once

But most important, dont go into depression at this stage, look on a brighter side and face reality
This is what i have been doing lately.

I mug at work and slog like hell at work. I sometimes feel like numbing myself and stop thinking about her. The bigger question that linger in my mind is how can i gain back a lost trust? Its super difficult. Neither has She been trying nor forgiven me. I read a lot from various help sites sharing that the wife must forgive in order for reconcilation to start.

Now she and me only talk in front of the kids. She seems to be on the phone 24/7 and communicating w other people. I truely love her but i have destroyed her love for me. I know not what to do even thou i know what i want.

oxymoron

[shoei]

Ture Bro DYB ....


However TS do check with yourself first and make sure you are not asking her back because of a sudden lost and you are not used to it. Ask yourself honestly ;)

And if you decided and did manage to win her heart back, do try to control the situation OR be ready to be control again, no regret :D

If not, win her back also useless and maybe this untold story may have more worse ending :o


Finally once you cleared yourself ..........

Dont 放弃 :)

世上无难事 只怕有心人



Side track a bit, btw thks hero7 for your kind upz

Thank you bro for your advice. I see light from the words u shared.

Care to clarify what u meant when u say take control?

[shoei]

Tell her she can have the kids.

You can make some new kids with your next wife.

What makes you say that? do we really always have to leave after creating a mess?

[JacqueMerlin]

This is what i have been doing lately.

I mug at work and slog like hell at work. I sometimes feel like numbing myself and stop thinking about her. The bigger question that linger in my mind is how can i gain back a lost trust? Its super difficult. Neither has She been trying nor forgiven me. I read a lot from various help sites sharing that the wife must forgive in order for reconcilation to start.

Now she and me only talk in front of the kids. She seems to be on the phone 24/7 and communicating w other people. I truely love her but i have destroyed her love for me. I know not what to do even thou i know what i want.

oxymoron

That is a possible sign of her having an affair or potentially. Good luck. I will suggest you to give up any glimmer of hope and prepared to pay for your alimony. Since you live in Singapore, you as a man what's more with an affair caught. Move on with life. Don't continue your life with your wife anymore. Your kids will be the greatest victim.

[sammyboyfor]

What makes you say that? do we really always have to leave after creating a mess?

Your equating what has happened to a pile of garbage. The analogy is flawed.

You're not leaving behind a mess which you have some sort of obligation to clean up. What you are leaving is a relationship that has been damaged beyond repair.

By walking away and starting afresh, you give her the chance to be happy with someone new too. She certainly isn't getting any joy from her relationship with you. If you care about her feelings, you'll do the right thing and set her free.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

This world is made up of 3 groups of humans thus 3 different ideologies

1st Group, everything = investment and self creation...creative self propelled individuals......know what they want, know how to get what they want, know how to face the music

2nd Group, mindless morons who goes where the wind blows....aka no self propelled direction, what they want is more due to peer pressure than self ACTUAL needs.....like what we term, one of the guys.
We all know someone who seems to ask opinions about almost everything under the sun, thus sometimes we feel these people have got no sense of self opinion.

3rd group, useless total external reliant losers, cannot self sustain, aka locusts, once they ravage a place, or have milked dry a cow, they will not nurture it back to health again and will just move on to the next greener pasture.
Typical WL ideology that's also totally applicable to a non WL be it male or female!

Very real world and we're all surrounded by such people in our everyday lives.
At the end of the day, that's Y society is made up of, the good, the bad & the ugly!
By these 3 groups, ponder for a minute, every choice has got different decisions, the one that's chosen, will determine the end result.
Wisdom is learnt by facing hardships and obstacles in life, not running away!
Keep running, at the end of your last breath, you've learnt shit!

[sammyboyfor]

1st Group, everything = investment and self creation...creative self propelled individuals......know what they want, know how to get what they want, know how to face the music


Investors spread their risks. Some of their ventures will reap big rewards. Some will fail miserably.

The most astute investors have the ability to judge which ventures to nurture, which ventures to take profit from and most importantly, which ventures will lead them to ruin if they don't CUT THEIR LOSSES AND WALK AWAY!

Nobody wins all the time... not even Warren Buffet.

This marriage is on the rocks with no hope of a happy ending. There is no point hanging on. The thread starter should face reality, cut his losses and start afresh.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

which ventures will lead them to ruin if they don't CUT THEIR LOSSES AND WALK AWAY!

Nobody wins all the time... not even Warren Buffet.

Here you contradict and agreed on wat i said.
If no investment was made, how to cut any losses and to walk away?
In TS's case, he has just decided to start his investment to win his marraige back....any prior to that, where he was unfaithful, has got nottin to do wif the investment.
Thus, in life, investments have to applied before one can reap any rewards or walk away from a failed investment.
From your statement and ideology, its clear you're not a leader of any kind other than the owner of this forum!
We've been through this more than once sammyboy.....you wanna start again for old time sake??????

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Wanna have baby fuck also must wait 10months.
But no guarantee preggers will have baby....can have miscarraige etc etc and many other complications
Wanna plant a fruit tree also must wait for the seed to bloom into a tree then bear fruit
But no guarantee this tree will bear fruit
Even if bear fruit, also no guarantee the fruit will be sweet and juicy
Time to come back to reality Sammydude!
Conclusion: Investments are all risks...and no guarantee invest will win!
Welcome to life!

[K9696]

Delete.. double post

[hugs]

This is what i have been doing lately.

I mug at work and slog like hell at work. Its super difficult. Neither has She been trying nor forgiven me. I read a lot from various help sites sharing that the wife must forgive
. She seems to be on the phone 24/7 and communicating w other people.


TS,

maybe she is on phone 24/7 cos u r always at work instead of trying to spend time with her doing things n talking with her n making her feel u love her very much altho u keep saying it to us but u r not saying it n showing it to her?

besides, she felt u betrayed her so she doesnt feel it fair that she MUST forgive u or the need to even try. thats ur job buddy if u find her not forgiving u then its ur job to work ON her.

give up contact with outside world for the moment n concentrate on the most important woman of ur world now, i am sure u know nthg abt her after all these yrs in marriage becos when problem comes u cant find her weak spot. looks to me u r only beginning to know her now n u dont know how to make the first move, u need to wait for her to forgive u or for her to try b4 u know what to do next(aka respond). i dont know will she be happier with some new guy cos statistic showed 2nd marriage has higher divorce rate but i am begining to suspect she isnt very happy with u all along thats why she seem to want to totally cut u off now. thats why when some bro ask me what i think of husband who looks for wl/fl etc, is to always remember to be sweet to ur wife consistently n simultaneously. while spending time to know the other women, also must know ur own woman mah.

[K9696]

Investors spread their risks. Some of their ventures will reap big rewards. Some will fail miserably.

The most astute investors have the ability to judge which ventures to nurture, which ventures to take profit from and most importantly, which ventures will lead them to ruin if they don't CUT THEIR LOSSES AND WALK AWAY!

Nobody wins all the time... not even Warren Buffet.

This marriage is on the rocks with no hope of a happy ending. There is no point hanging on. The thread starter should face reality, cut his losses and start afresh.

Here you contradict and agreed on wat i said.
If no investment was made, how to cut any losses and to walk away?
In TS's case, he has just decided to start his investment to win his marraige back....any prior to that, where he was unfaithful, has got nottin to do wif the investment.
Thus, in life, investments have to applied before one can reap any rewards or walk away from a failed investment.
From your statement and ideology, its clear you're not a leader of any kind other than the owner of this forum!
We've been through this more than once sammyboy.....you wanna start again for old time sake??????

Oh yes SammyBoss.. if TS has not made any investment, how to cut loss in the first place..

Without placing your bet on a Bacarat table, will you know you will lost in the first place - NO..
NO venture No gain:)

[DO_YOU_BJ]

TS,

maybe she is on phone 24/7 cos u r always at work instead of trying to spend time with her doing things n talking with her n making her feel u love her very much altho u keep saying it to us but u r not saying it n showing it to her?

besides, she felt u betrayed her so she doesnt feel it fair that she MUST forgive u or the need to even try. thats ur job buddy if u find her not forgiving u then its ur job to work ON her.

give up contact with outside world for the moment n concentrate on the most important woman of ur world now, i am sure u know nthg abt her after all these yrs in marriage becos when problem comes u cant find her weak spot. looks to me u r only beginning to know her now n u dont know how to make the first move, u need to wait for her to forgive u or for her to try b4 u know what to do next(aka respond). i dont know will she be happier with some new guy cos statistic showed 2nd marriage has higher divorce rate but i am begining to suspect she isnt very happy with u all along thats why she seem to want to totally cut u off now. thats why when some bro ask me what i think of husband who looks for wl/fl etc, is to always remember to be sweet to ur wife consistently n simultaneously. while spending time to know the other women, also must know ur own woman mah.

Well said sis.
TS, dun just bury yourself in work to escape.
Work is work, family is family.
Now its more than ever important to be at home to be a good hubby and daddy!
You're walking on a very thin line, thread very cautiously.
Whatever you do, think carefully 1st on what the reactions will be...positive or negative, then execute or throw the whole idea out!

[sammyboyfor]

Here you contradict and agreed on wat i said.
If no investment was made, how to cut any losses and to walk away?
In TS's case, he has just decided to start his investment to win his marraige back....any prior to that, where he was unfaithful, has got nottin to do wif the investment.


Of course there was an investment. That's exactly what the act of getting married and starting a family is. The game didn't commence when he was unfaithful. It started from the day he decided to marry.

However, he didn't follow the rules of the matrimonial game and has lost heavily. There is no way he can win with the hand he currently holds. He should throw in the towel and walk away so he can nurse his wounds, reflect and recover.

Cutting losses can be painful but there are times when it is the right thing to do. By taking a long term view of life, he'll be able to put this relationship behind him and move on.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Of course there was an investment. That's exactly what the act of getting married and starting a family is. The game didn't commence when he was unfaithful. It started from the day he decided to marry.

This is so pathetic.
His marriage got nothing to do with this investment at all.
The investment now is whether its viable to salvage his marriage.

However, he didn't follow the rules of the game and lost heavily. There is no way he can win with the hand he currently holds. He should throw in the towel and walk away so he can nurse his wounds, reflect and recover.
This is a very selfish and lack of responsibility stance, guess it works for you.
To nurture your own wounds and dun give a fuck of the wound you inflicted on your spouse and family!

Cutting losses can be painful but there are times when it is the right thing to do. By taking a long term view of life, he'll be able to put this relationship behind him and move on.
Wrong.
The term cutting losses is to reduce the pain inflicted on oneself.
Self centered way of thinking.
A family should be united as one!
You're saying, save his own arse and let his wife and kid burn for his deeds.
You're so noble.
Wat did you learn in skippyland?
No wonder divorce rates there are world renowned, let alone, aussie bitches are known to be the easiest to bed in the world!
Saw this on SBS when i was in monash years ago doin me masters

[hugs]

call it a woman intuition but boss i think if he leaves the wife, the losses is heavier leh. i think he needs her more than she needs him leh.....looks to me she is the pillar n the one anchoring while he is the follower...................so thats why now when she show it to him that she kind of decided to stop moving forward he very the lost n start to see how badly he needs her liao n thus keep saying i love her very much but more like i need u to continue to lead this family(if love her very much then today this wont happen la...) then somemore like older now liao n got kids n so soon maintenance fee blah blah i doubt the next marriage he moving on will be any better leh. so better to save this one n make happy ending in this marriage cos got higher chance than the next. so this is a better bet/ investment what men like to call it lah but then is purely my thot, i can be wrong.

[hugs]

ok this one is to boss n bro-do-u-bj,

well even a guy like u know who regretted a yr later so i am quite certain TS will regret if this marriage ends.

2ndly, he is super lost when caught with his pants down, so i suspect he is also used to having his wife poke him on his weak spot instead of him poking her n since he managed to find a girl like that who can do this n have kids with him let him try now to do his part lah. boss she deserves it from him lah even if in the end she decided to divorce still at least for one time she got to feel good mah seeing he tried.

3rdly, boss i know if a girl ever try to boss u ard u will show her whose boss, but for TS he happy to be the puppy under the skirt type la n enjoy being pampered(i can be wrong). he not same like u mah, macho man. he dont know how to go for a kill type one cos he doesnt seem to know what to do when now got competition( those his wife on phone 24/7 with, if u i am sure u show her whose boss liao if she ever 24/7 for 1 day:D) u will give her a either work on it or ship out but TS not u not like that mah so we dont teach him what he cannot become loh.

lastly, both boss n bro-do u bj r top guns type so calm down calm down 2 tigers on 1 mountain i mean this thread is a rare sight happens only once every 4 yrs so little spark no harm but dont make firework b4 national day k :p

[DO_YOU_BJ]

lastly, both boss n bro-do u bj r top guns type so calm down calm down 2 tigers on 1 mountain i mean this thread is a rare sight happens only once every 4 yrs so little spark no harm but dont make firework b4 national day k :p

Hugs, one mountain CAN NEVER have 2 tigers.
FYI, this TS scenario and stuff i mentioned is all based on experience.
I've walked this path before.
One of my wives, the one you met before, did me wrong & I threw her out of the house.
She preserved and won back my trust after i emotionally tormented her for 2 straight years.
She could have walked away, but she didnt.
You bear witness to the result!
That's why i keep emphasising, this investment, is worth it.
Cos if it succeeds, the result will even be sweeter before any investment was made!

[hugs]

yup die also must die from ur hand i think women u lock target on find u irresistible n i think she cannot find another guy quite the same like u.

[shoei]

TS,

maybe she is on phone 24/7 cos u r always at work instead of trying to spend time with her doing things n talking with her n making her feel u love her very much altho u keep saying it to us but u r not saying it n showing it to her?

besides, she felt u betrayed her so she doesnt feel it fair that she MUST forgive u or the need to even try. thats ur job buddy if u find her not forgiving u then its ur job to work ON her.

give up contact with outside world for the moment n concentrate on the most important woman of ur world now, i am sure u know nthg abt her after all these yrs in marriage becos when problem comes u cant find her weak spot. looks to me u r only beginning to know her now n u dont know how to make the first move, u need to wait for her to forgive u or for her to try b4 u know what to do next(aka respond). i dont know will she be happier with some new guy cos statistic showed 2nd marriage has higher divorce rate but i am begining to suspect she isnt very happy with u all along thats why she seem to want to totally cut u off now. thats why when some bro ask me what i think of husband who looks for wl/fl etc, is to always remember to be sweet to ur wife consistently n simultaneously. while spending time to know the other women, also must know ur own woman mah.

Thank you for your advice esp from the other point of view.
I spend time with her and tried to talk to her. But everytime talk about feelings, she gets fed up. All efforts are deflected and rebound back on my face. Honestly i agree with you that i do not know her weak spots. i need to learn to understand her better and i also feel that i am only beginning to know her.

U hit the bulls eyes. I seems lost and dont know what to do/feel. Sometimes i just shut myself up with everything else. :(

[sammyboyfor]

You're saying, save his own arse and let his wife and kid burn for his deeds.
You're so noble.


His wife and kids will be a lot better off without him. He should walk away so they have an opportunity to find someone more worthy.

Your continued personal attacks on me are starting to annoy me. All I'm doing is presenting my take on the matter. No two people will view an issue from exactly the same perspective and just because my recommendations happen to meet with your disapproval in no way gives you the right to launch into a tirade about my values and to make sweeping statements about a whole country. :rolleyes:

[sammyboyfor]

I spend time with her and tried to talk to her. But everytime talk about feelings, she gets fed up. All efforts are deflected and rebound back on my face.

Women hate men who grovel. The more you plead, the less she'll respect you.

Walk away. Tell her you're giving her space to breath. With luck, she'll start missing you at some point down the road. She'll then make contact and the reconciliation process can then begin.

You're supposed to be the man of the house so you need to act like a man not a pussy.:rolleyes:

[DO_YOU_BJ]

His wife and kids will be a lot better off without him. He should walk away so they have an opportunity to find someone more worthy.

Your continued personal attacks on me are starting to annoy me. All I'm doing is presenting my take on the matter. No two people will view an issue from exactly the same perspective and just because my recommendations happen to meet with your disapproval in no way gives you the right to launch into a tirade about my values and to make sweeping statements about a whole country. :rolleyes:

Ok, your point duly noted and agree.
My bad;)

[shoei]

Women hate men who grovel. The more you plead, the less she'll respect you.

Walk away. Tell her you're giving her space to breath. By luck, she'll start missing you at some point down the road. She'll then make contact and the reconciliation process can then begin.

You're supposed to be the man of the house so you need to act like a man not a pussy.:rolleyes:

Dear owner, thank you for your prespective. I appreciate your point of view. To a certain extent, i wish i can be as cool as you to open another chapter of my life.

Like what you said, no two people will view an issue from exactly the same perspective with the same background and experiences. hence i do see where you are coming from and i really thank you for your advices and sharing. i know you meant good but everyone has a choice to decide whats best for them.

[newyorker88]

I agree with you that counselling is more effective if both parties attend together.

But the problem is my wife states very clearly that she is not going to work for the marriage. she is only staying in for the kids. So she is unwilling to go for it.



Counselling works BECOS 2 parties are willing to attend. Give her some time. Let her understand that even she is physically there for the kid, the kid will be AFFECTED, becos the family is BROKEN. Get someone in family to relate this to her, if she stays for the kid, she HAS to forgive you, and mend the family. Physically being with the kid will not solve the problem just like that.

Counselling from professional may be an option. There are other "counselors" who may be more effective too... people whom she trust, her parents, sisters..... of cos, you got to put in effort to show them that you are going to change....

To error is human, to admit is courage, to forgive is divine.......

[benz180]

Thank you for your advice esp from the other point of view.
I spend time with her and tried to talk to her. But everytime talk about feelings, she gets fed up. All efforts are deflected and rebound back on my face. Honestly i agree with you that i do not know her weak spots. i need to learn to understand her better and i also feel that i am only beginning to know her.

U hit the bulls eyes. I seems lost and dont know what to do/feel. Sometimes i just shut myself up with everything else. :(


TS,

I suggest you give her some space, let her have time to think over the incident. Whatever you want to say or promised had already done so, now is time to put into action. Unlike in BGR situation that she can easily walk away, she is also considering alot of other factors before taking the divorce route. No need to spend time knowing her weak spot, just spend time to work on your sincerity. No woman will turn down a sincere heart.

[hugs]

ok i am out of here i got nthg to contribute n i dont want to see different opinions turning into unneccessary dispute especially when everybody's intention is for good n the attention is supposed to be on TS.(altho it was hot watching boss n bro-do-u-bj playing ping pong with each other;))

gdbye


note to ponder.. can it co-exist..knowing her weak spot while working on his sincerity? going for counselling while also to get some family members involvement? giving her space to realise she misses u but not too much in case she got over u(she dont seem to lack suitors by the look of thing) while trying to work on the marriage(talking to her abt feeling when she isnt ready is not what i mean by spending time talking btw, that is call banging head on closed door n i dont wish to further explain anymore cos i dont want to carry on contributing n then all i see is us bros confusing u with too many different opinion in the end altho is for good intention).

[porscheclub]

TS, u have not spoken about your kids. How old are they now & how much do u love them? How much time have you been spending with them?

Your wife, give her time. 6 months to over a year. She needs it & stop becoming a moron now when she starts talking to other men. U betrayed her & this is the price to pay. I suppose you are not sleeping with her now, not to mention getting close.

Take the family out & enjoy it, since she's in this for kids, she'll have to go along & act happy. Maybe she'll see your sincerity.

Does your parents including in-laws know? Come clean, family members help & show that you're 110% remorseful & 200% willing to make it up.

After 6 months-1 yr & if she still give you ice. I would suggest you heed boss advice. Get out & start clean BUT DON'T EVER get married again.

Good luck & take control, you're spinning....

[see see only]

Thank you bro for your advice. I see light from the words u shared.

Care to clarify what u meant when u say take control?

Mate,

OMG how should i start :D ......... i dont know your wife, you should be the one who know all her soft spot. :rolleyes:

But if you give in to her everytime and everything she asked then is about time you stop giving in to everything she want. Including this patch back period and especially this patch back period.

I believe she is at this moment as confuse as you, on whether to get back togther or not. But that's does not mean you have to give in to everything.

Tell her clearly your intention that you are sorry and do not want to leave her and the children but yet you still need your space & your life.

Anyway now she already have the intention to leave you, so if you make her stay, by you giving in to all her requests. You guys better just go seperate ways because this wont be a happy ending.

But if she still staying, mean she hope to stay, you better just improve a bit but maintain some space of your own ............ this is for a really long term patch back. ;)


Hope this can help :)

[DO_YOU_BJ]

ok i am out of here i got nthg to contribute n i dont want to see different opinions turning into unneccessary dispute especially when everybody's intention is for good n the attention is supposed to be on TS.(altho it was hot watching boss n bro-do-u-bj playing ping pong with each other;))

gdbye

Holy cow, wat happened to your pts woman???????
Boss man bully weak defenseless woman ah??????
Wahahahahaha
Pls clear your mailbox hor, baskit pm you buay sai leh

[shoei]

TS, u have not spoken about your kids. How old are they now & how much do u love them? How much time have you been spending with them?

Your wife, give her time. 6 months to over a year. She needs it & stop becoming a moron now when she starts talking to other men. U betrayed her & this is the price to pay. I suppose you are not sleeping with her now, not to mention getting close.

Take the family out & enjoy it, since she's in this for kids, she'll have to go along & act happy. Maybe she'll see your sincerity.

Does your parents including in-laws know? Come clean, family members help & show that you're 110% remorseful & 200% willing to make it up.

After 6 months-1 yr & if she still give you ice. I would suggest you heed boss advice. Get out & start clean BUT DON'T EVER get married again.

Good luck & take control, you're spinning....

Thanks bro for your concerns. My kids are very young, both less than 4 years old. We have been still going out as a family and she does enjoys the company in a family.

In fact, we do still make love to each other say once a week. But this confuses me. If she does not want to forgive me, why have sex with me? could there be other reasons to it?

My in laws knows about this and i have apologised to them and told them that i will change. They advise me to cool down and leave my wife alone for the time being. As a matter of fact, the affair was discovered 3 months ago. things have been going up and down... and yes i am spinning...

[benz180]

Thanks bro for your concerns. My kids are very young, both less than 4 years old. We have been still going out as a family and she does enjoys the company in a family.

In fact, we do still make love to each other say once a week. But this confuses me. If she does not want to forgive me, why have sex with me? could there be other reasons to it?

My in laws knows about this and i have apologised to them and told them that i will change. They advise me to cool down and leave my wife alone for the time being. As a matter of fact, the affair was discovered 3 months ago. things have been going up and down... and yes i am spinning...

TS,

If you are stilling have sex with your wife... you are in good shape. Stay on course with many family activities, you will see light pretty soon. As chinese saying, 不要钻牛角尖。

Good luck.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

In fact, we do still make love to each other say once a week. But this confuses me. If she does not want to forgive me, why have sex with me? could there be other reasons to it?

What you did to her has made her very angry and disappointed in you.
What you see in her display of anger and resentment is that of her anger side.
When she made love to you, she made love on the notion of being your wife.
This is a very healthy sign and you should thanks the lord that this is still possible.
If your wife is totally disgusted wif you, trust me, she wont even let you touch her, let alone penetrate her.

My in laws knows about this and i have apologised to them and told them that i will change. They advise me to cool down and leave my wife alone for the time being. As a matter of fact, the affair was discovered 3 months ago. things have been going up and down... and yes i am spinning...

Since its already an open secret, do not let any little signs sway your objective.
Remember, you can be intimate wif her now, after a while, she will have a mood swing!~~~~~~~did i hit the jackpot?
That why you spin & dunno what's wif her correct?
The tots of your betrayal will shoot straight back into her once she feels at peace during your intimacy, thus such a reaction.
Allow time to heal herself, and in the meantime, just focus on being a good daddy & hubby.......at the rate things are goin, it'll be fine soon.

Remember my fren, slow and steady wins the race!

[newyorker88]

Thanks bro for your concerns. My kids are very young, both less than 4 years old. We have been still going out as a family and she does enjoys the company in a family.

In fact, we do still make love to each other say once a week. But this confuses me. If she does not want to forgive me, why have sex with me? could there be other reasons to it?

My in laws knows about this and i have apologised to them and told them that i will change. They advise me to cool down and leave my wife alone for the time being. As a matter of fact, the affair was discovered 3 months ago. things have been going up and down... and yes i am spinning...

TS, glad to hear this... that your wife is still with you, being a mother to the kids... I guess, she still loves you and care for the kids, as she mention before, she is willing to stay for the kids. Wounds take time to heal, and remember not to do it again. Ongoing family outings and care for each other will help to make the recovery process faster.

Just be nice to her, and things will sort out eventually. Most importantly is the COMMUNICATION channel. Remember, once the communication stops, it is over. Keep on going, the conversations, daily, be it abou the kids, the house, some furniture, food she cook, or movies you all watch together, be it any topic..

Of cos, she may at times, get angry or emotional... But these are part and parcel of her releasing her vent up emotions, and anger... Just accept it, as if you want to mend the relationship... No bad things last forever... Eventually she will forgive you over time...

Stay strong and log in here... there are many kind brothers who are willing to give you support... in terms of encouragement and wise advice. Of cos, there are some who are nasty and crude... Again, it is up to you to choose and look to the brighter side of life.

[arsenal_84]

i think TS should be her punching bag in the meanwhile.

if verbal communication is not working for her, you can always sms her just to let her know that you still care about her...
no need to input too lengthly sentences, keep it short and simple.

is the actions you put in that is going to touch her, not words.

[shoei]

i think TS should be her punching bag in the meanwhile.

if verbal communication is not working for her, you can always sms her just to let her know that you still care about her...
no need to input too lengthly sentences, keep it short and simple.

is the actions you put in that is going to touch her, not words.

Thanks for the advice. True, words are limited. actions speak louder than words. I am trying to "date" her again, maybe a new love can occur with new mindset.

I need to keep a cool head.

[shoei]

What you did to her has made her very angry and disappointed in you.
What you see in her display of anger and resentment is that of her anger side.
When she made love to you, she made love on the notion of being your wife.
This is a very healthy sign and you should thanks the lord that this is still possible.
If your wife is totally disgusted wif you, trust me, she wont even let you touch her, let alone penetrate her.

Remember my fren, slow and steady wins the race!

Sometime she just ask me to keep quiet when having sex. Is this behaviour normal?

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Sometime she just ask me to keep quiet when having sex. Is this behaviour normal?

Basically like the bro said, action speaks louder than words.....
So action more bro tok less

[orneryjoe]

TS...

You probably shouldn't blame yourself too much because you cannot help doing what you did. None of us can.

Genetically, you have been made to want to couple with multiple partners. Given the right circumstances and opportunities, most men will do just that.

Monogamy is an acculturalised attitude that is not the only viable paradigm. It may be almost impossible for some people to think beyond the monogamy paradigm, but that cannot be helped either. Sometimes, though, a bit of reflection by all parties concerned, plus an exposure to alternative ways of thinking about relationships may lead to viewing things from a different and a broader perspective -- thus avoiding all the unnecessary hurt and angst that comes about when one partner discovers that he/she has been "cheated".

Good luck.

[porscheclub]

In fact, we do still make love to each other say once a week. But this confuses me.

Sometime she just ask me to keep quiet when having sex. Is this behaviour normal?

OK, case close. Stop logging in here & report again in 2~3months. Put your mind to organising a holiday camp. ;)

FYI, mine took more than 6 months to settle only to step on landmines again :eek: :D :(

[Canoneos]

What made her fall in love with you in the first place? Think about that. Are any of those qualities still in you or have you lost them?

[shoei]

OK, case close. Stop logging in here & report again in 2~3months. Put your mind to organising a holiday camp. ;)

FYI, mine took more than 6 months to settle only to step on landmines again :eek: :D :(

what mines? Care to share more?

[powerman61]

I've seen how my dad survive this kind of same situation. He just keep quiet n let my mom bitch n scold him n threaten him. He just carry on as per normal at home as a husband n father. Just grit his teeth n take the storm. Be the family man the woman wants u to be. U will never be forgiven not to mention forgetting yr past sins by yr wife. But rest be assured she will cont to love u but forever u will live under this shadow. It's been more than 30 yrs now between my mom n dad and even now at their age of 70, my mom will occasionally suspect n bring up this story n also still scold my dad. But deep down she can't live without him so TS, u still got chance. Just grit n bear it all in this storm. It works cos I've seen it.

[shoei]

I've seen how my dad survive this kind of same situation. He just keep quiet n let my mom bitch n scold him n threaten him. He just carry on as per normal at home as a husband n father. Just grit his teeth n take the storm. Be the family man the woman wants u to be. U will never be forgiven not to mention forgetting yr past sins by yr wife. But rest be assured she will cont to love u but forever u will live under this shadow. It's been more than 30 yrs now between my mom n dad and even now at their age of 70, my mom will occasionally suspect n bring up this story n also still scold my dad. But deep down she can't live without him so TS, u still got chance. Just grit n bear it all in this storm. It works cos I've seen it.

as a child, who told u about the affair ur father had? is ur father happy?

[newyorker88]

Sometime she just ask me to keep quiet when having sex. Is this behaviour normal?


Well, at least she still let you have it and not keep you from going out to find, since both need to have sex.

be tender, love making is not as erotic as you see in movies, just be what you use to be, and let her feel you still love her....

[shoei]

Well, at least she still let you have it and not keep you from going out to find, since both need to have sex.

be tender, love making is not as erotic as you see in movies, just be what you use to be, and let her feel you still love her....

thanks for your encouragement. We must learn from our own mistake and mistakes other people makes.

[trueno2008]

Hi TS,

Read your story and want tell u this... If your wife still making love with you, you definitely have chance. If she still willing to spend family time and include you, these are signs that she has not given up. Women always speaks the opposite and you should read her body language most importantly.

As for you, get an action plan. Go recall how u both started and what attracted her to you. Find those and redo them again with some innovation. Do things differently to mark that you have changed and for her to rediscover. Do things that don't need her response but noticeable by her. You find you got many things to do than to feel depressed and lost. Whenever i lost a relationship, other than feeling depressed i always take the opportunity to change myself. So what are you doing other than trying to seek encouragement and consolation from bros here. Don't waste your time anymore...

Lastly, i think this question most important which some bros asked. How do you see your relationship with your wife going forward in 20yrs time? Do you seriously want her back or it's just because a sudden lost? Give yourself time to think over, to get a responsible answer. Counselling or not, it's just your mindset after all.

All the best.

[shoei]

thanks bro.
Haven logged in for some time. Things have been going smooth at home so far. As long as i dun ask too many questions, she is still willing to be close to be to a certain extent.

But she seems super secertive on her hp, wakes up in the middle of the nite to sms/facebook/msn on her mobile and sets password lock on her phone. very often on the phone too. should i be over sensitive?

[arsenal_84]

But she seems super secertive on her hp, wakes up in the middle of the nite to sms/facebook/msn on her mobile and sets password lock on her phone. very often on the phone too. should i be over sensitive?

you should be but on the other hand, you can't ask her any questions cause you will just turn her defensive against you.
testing times ahead for you.
apart from trusting her, there's pretty much nothing you can do.

[goodpartner]

But she seems super secertive on her hp, wakes up in the middle of the nite to sms/facebook/msn on her mobile and sets password lock on her phone. very often on the phone too. should i be over sensitive?

Given your obvious intention to be forgiven and patch up, she still do this to you in the open means she is just waiting to take revenge. Perhaps the process now is part of the revenge, but I'll not be surprise that she is trying to be hooked. If the right one cums along, she'll bite - then she will have the last laugh. Now, she has not found "him" yet, so just holding on to you for the time being.

I say better trash it out with her before it's too late.
Doing nothing now is not the best idea, imho.

You know best lah. ;)

[arsenal_84]

Given your obvious intention to be forgiven and patch up, she still do this to you in the open means she is just waiting to take revenge. Perhaps the process now is part of the revenge, but I'll not be surprise that she is trying to be hooked. If the right one cums along, she'll bite - then she will have the last laugh. Now, she has not found "him" yet, so just holding on to you for the time being.


often when women think that they are equal to men, that's when they fall the hardest.

[edmund03]

TS, trust takes a long time to gain but secs to destroy hence give your wife sometime for her to observe and slowly gain back the trust.

[yang punk]

thanks bro.
Haven logged in for some time. Things have been going smooth at home so far. As long as i dun ask too many questions, she is still willing to be close to be to a certain extent.

But she seems super secertive on her hp, wakes up in the middle of the nite to sms/facebook/msn on her mobile and sets password lock on her phone. very often on the phone too. should i be over sensitive?

TS

Just stumbled onto this thread of yours...

Your children are very young and perhaps your wife is a very attractive woman for you to be so very much in love with her (maybe she is also a very good wife to you in the past). She is obviously NOT so unforgiving otherwise she would have kick you out of the house and start divorce proceedings.

Maybe she is getting a lot of moral support from friends and family to help her get over this difficult period of being cheated by you. Hence all the time she is spending on the phone. So if you trust her, prove it by giving her the space and privacy. Maybe she is out just to teach you a lesson...let you get a taste of jealousy (show of closeness with a male colleague. Btw why are you not the one fetching her to and from work?)

The fact that she is having regular sex with you means there is still a lot of hope to repair the relationship (btw pregnant women still can and enjoy sex even up to the final semester) Suggest you take more initiative now...more action and less talk! She sees your attempt at talking as just your way of making excuses for your own mistakes. Romance her like your courting days with flowers (no need expensive bouquets just a bunch from market flower stall and you decorate in vase for her), little thoughtful gifts (sexy stuffs like lingerie)...

Spend quality time with her and kids sharing in the household chores. It will take time and you will get your family back...but be warned...she may never be IN LOVE with you again.

[shoei]

TS

Just stumbled onto this thread of yours...

Your children are very young and perhaps your wife is a very attractive woman for you to be so very much in love with her (maybe she is also a very good wife to you in the past). She is obviously NOT so unforgiving otherwise she would have kick you out of the house and start divorce proceedings.

Maybe she is getting a lot of moral support from friends and family to help her get over this difficult period of being cheated by you. Hence all the time she is spending on the phone. So if you trust her, prove it by giving her the space and privacy. Maybe she is out just to teach you a lesson...let you get a taste of jealousy (show of closeness with a male colleague. Btw why are you not the one fetching her to and from work?)

The fact that she is having regular sex with you means there is still a lot of hope to repair the relationship (btw pregnant women still can and enjoy sex even up to the final semester) Suggest you take more initiative now...more action and less talk! She sees your attempt at talking as just your way of making excuses for your own mistakes. Romance her like your courting days with flowers (no need expensive bouquets just a bunch from market flower stall and you decorate in vase for her), little thoughtful gifts (sexy stuffs like lingerie)...

Spend quality time with her and kids sharing in the household chores. It will take time and you will get your family back...but be warned...she may never be IN LOVE with you again.

bro, thanks for ur prospective. your words really talked to my heart. I dun sent her to work because I need to send the kids and she wouldn't prefer me to send her too. I really have doubts sometimes if it will work well, but TRUE, maybe she will never love me again. I don't know if I should trust her.

[shoei]

you should be but on the other hand, you can't ask her any questions cause you will just turn her defensive against you.
testing times ahead for you.
apart from trusting her, there's pretty much nothing you can do.

my hands are tied and everytime I try to untie myself, I get cut.

[see see only]

I don't know if I should trust her.

Mate,

Of cos Trust her, and give her all the space and freedom ...

hahahaha ... unlike men, :cool: for women the more space & freedom you gave them the lesser they would want :D

They will stick to you more ... :D

[arsenal_84]

my hands are tied and everytime I try to untie myself, I get cut.

tulips is a good idea.

take it easy...try asking her out on dates.
no need to impress her, just treat it like a normal date.
hold her hands during walks, no need to say anything much.

[Max77]

It's easy to make mistake but extremely hard not to. So try very hard not to make anymore mistake(s) will be a good start.

The very first mistake that probably every man will make is, getting angry. Real man remain calm always, keep that in mind if u need some encouragement.

Nobody know wad the future will be. But u get to choose the path...at least

[hickeybites]

hi TS,
hang in there ok? not easy but must give it time... very trite to say that time is the best healer but it's true...时间会冲淡一切

just wondering.. are u now being completely transparent with her? as in not keeping any secrets or letting her know your whereabouts etc? i'm not saying that u have to report to her & like be a jailbird like that...but it may give her that sense of security.
in my case, my hubby was transparent as much as he could: on his own accord would show me phone records, keep me updated on where he's going, fill me in on things etc. pls don't get me wrong - i'm not saying u should grovel & be chained to ur wife. what matters is the intention behind the transparency: to let her know that u've nothing to hide and that she can slowly trust u again

can understand what u mean by "ur hands are tied". hubby said the same thing - it's like damn if he does & damn if he doesn't... my personal experience was that it took me couple of months to accept that he actually had an affair and nearly a year before I truly started to forgive him & forgive myself. (yah I was angry with myself as well - for not being a good wife/ for having LSD/ for having a kid/ for not seeing the signs.. things like that). and hubby's the type to want to get things done, act & have a solution & just do it.

not sure if ur wife feels this but it could be a possibility...my galfriends (who were also in same situation) & I also felt was immense wariness. reason is cos it felt like our trust was abused & us telling our hubbies our whereabouts/stuff provided them helped them have affairs on the sly... she may be having her defenses up & not really purposely out to take revenge on u. i believe she'll see ur sincerity in time

this is my own opinion only... it's much much better to really love than be "in love". being in love comes with all expectations, ideals, promises of "happily ever after"... if & when u both come out of this intact, you'll know it's love with full acceptance of each others' faults, weaknesses, idiosyncracies and continue to work at the relationship.
Take care

[blohsg]

yeah ... good luck ... it's a long and winding up slope ... you'll need to breathe and b positive ... whatever she puts out at you for what you've done you've got to accept responsibility / own up / be honest ... if this is what it takes to save your marriage, just do it. You want it to work again, you put yourself in it and take the shit ...

Imagine you have a box ... all the shit you're getting now is being put inside there ... once you think you can't take it anymore you find your own space/time and be alone ... imagine all that HATE/FRUSTRATIONS/ANGER in the box is being tipped over & emptied out ... pour out all the contents ... make sure it's empty and then you can start all over again filling it up again ... repeatedly ... as long as it takes ...

You can only trust now ... whoever she may message or tries to do ... you can only trust ... it may not work out eventually but you only can hang on to hope ... or console yourself at least that you've done all your best ...

[newyorker88]

bro, thanks for ur prospective. your words really talked to my heart. I dun sent her to work because I need to send the kids and she wouldn't prefer me to send her too. I really have doubts sometimes if it will work well, but TRUE, maybe she will never love me again. I don't know if I should trust her.

Dunt give up hope. If you have doubts in your heart that she MAY not love you anymore, then you lost the battle. There may be someone that is trying to woo her now....

It is a tiring time for both of you, while you tried to patch things up, and she is VERY HURT at the moment. If there is a 3rd party, ultimately, it will be her choice, to choose. Who to follow. If you continue to treat her well, and show repent, there is a chance she will stop the nonsense( if there is) with the other man, for she care for the family.

You mention she still care about the kids and so on.... and with constant effort from your side, you still can win her back. It will be a difficult time for her, as she is trying to put her life into place again.

Ultimately, communication and understanding will win her back. Not SEX between both of you that will save your marriage.

Just something for you to ponder, why you go opt for a extra affair? Is it becos there is something that you dont like about your wife? Or there is something stuck between both of you that both of you dont want to resolve? And now, becos of that matter, she is communicating with someone else too.... Trying to get someone to listen to her side of problem between both of you, we do not know who she is taking to... but I do suggest you start to face the sticking problems you had with her in the past.

Sad to say, even it hurts to bring out the unhappy thigns between yo and her, it is better for both of you to face it now than to drag it and let this reconsoliation stalemate.

[shoei]

Mate,

Of cos Trust her, and give her all the space and freedom ...

hahahaha ... unlike men, :cool: for women the more space & freedom you gave them the lesser they would want :D

They will stick to you more ... :D

is that really true generally for all women? i am worried that this route is a downhill route with no uphill at the end

[shoei]

hi TS,
hang in there ok? not easy but must give it time... very trite to say that time is the best healer but it's true...时间会冲淡一切

just wondering.. are u now being completely transparent with her? as in not keeping any secrets or letting her know your whereabouts etc? i'm not saying that u have to report to her & like be a jailbird like that...but it may give her that sense of security.
in my case, my hubby was transparent as much as he could: on his own accord would show me phone records, keep me updated on where he's going, fill me in on things etc. pls don't get me wrong - i'm not saying u should grovel & be chained to ur wife. what matters is the intention behind the transparency: to let her know that u've nothing to hide and that she can slowly trust u again

can understand what u mean by "ur hands are tied". hubby said the same thing - it's like damn if he does & damn if he doesn't... my personal experience was that it took me couple of months to accept that he actually had an affair and nearly a year before I truly started to forgive him & forgive myself. (yah I was angry with myself as well - for not being a good wife/ for having LSD/ for having a kid/ for not seeing the signs.. things like that). and hubby's the type to want to get things done, act & have a solution & just do it.

not sure if ur wife feels this but it could be a possibility...my galfriends (who were also in same situation) & I also felt was immense wariness. reason is cos it felt like our trust was abused & us telling our hubbies our whereabouts/stuff provided them helped them have affairs on the sly... she may be having her defenses up & not really purposely out to take revenge on u. i believe she'll see ur sincerity in time

this is my own opinion only... it's much much better to really love than be "in love". being in love comes with all expectations, ideals, promises of "happily ever after"... if & when u both come out of this intact, you'll know it's love with full acceptance of each others' faults, weaknesses, idiosyncracies and continue to work at the relationship.
Take care

tHanks for sharing. I heard of success stories esp online about recovery from adultery.

I have been truthfull with her every since the incident. I unlocked my phone and tell her wherever i go/end work. But she doesnt seems to appreciate it. Hopefully what she is doing is just plain defenses and not to take revenge. Love indeed is complicated and sometimes beyond what human can understand.

:eek:

[jonrai]

Bro, be patient... she need sometime to heal her wound. It might take months or years.. Take care!

[see see only]

tHanks for sharing. I heard of success stories esp online about recovery from adultery.

I have been truthfull with her every since the incident. I unlocked my phone and tell her wherever i go/end work. But she doesnt seems to appreciate it. Hopefully what she is doing is just plain defenses and not to take revenge. Love indeed is complicated and sometimes beyond what human can understand.

:eek:

is that really true generally for all women? i am worried that this route is a downhill route with no uphill at the end


TS, now i can see your problem


Ha .... they more you worry, the more you will lose your ground and when you lose your ground .... you will lose the position in her heart. :)

[shoei]

TS, now i can see your problem


Ha .... they more you worry, the more you will lose your ground and when you lose your ground .... you will lose the position in her heart. :)

i can't agree more with you. Indeed, my ground and foundation should be strong now. I need to be calm but its difficult. I am trying

[shoei]

yeah ... good luck ... it's a long and winding up slope ... you'll need to breathe and b positive ... whatever she puts out at you for what you've done you've got to accept responsibility / own up / be honest ... if this is what it takes to save your marriage, just do it. You want it to work again, you put yourself in it and take the shit ...

Imagine you have a box ... all the shit you're getting now is being put inside there ... once you think you can't take it anymore you find your own space/time and be alone ... imagine all that HATE/FRUSTRATIONS/ANGER in the box is being tipped over & emptied out ... pour out all the contents ... make sure it's empty and then you can start all over again filling it up again ... repeatedly ... as long as it takes ...

You can only trust now ... whoever she may message or tries to do ... you can only trust ... it may not work out eventually but you only can hang on to hope ... or console yourself at least that you've done all your best ...

DOes the box concept really exist n realistic?

[ktvking]

is that really true generally for all women? i am worried that this route is a downhill route with no uphill at the end

Bro, I think your biggest problem is that you worry too much. You seem to worry about this, worry about that. The more you worry, the more you lose your directions.

Stop worrying and stick to your plan and do what you need to do. Get on with life.

[ktvking]

tHanks for sharing. I heard of success stories esp online about recovery from adultery.

I have been truthfull with her every since the incident. I unlocked my phone and tell her wherever i go/end work. But she doesnt seems to appreciate it. Hopefully what she is doing is just plain defenses and not to take revenge. Love indeed is complicated and sometimes beyond what human can understand.

:eek:

Bro, you said "But she doesn't seems to appreciate it". Well, she doesn't "seem" to appreciate it. So, do you know for a fact that she does not appreciate it?

Now, ask yourself, if you were her, would you appreciate it and trust you so fast? May be she appreciates it but she still has doubts so she does not show her appreciation?

[ktvking]

i can't agree more with you. Indeed, my ground and foundation should be strong now. I need to be calm but its difficult. I am trying

Bro, ask yourself, what is the worst case scenario?

If you do nothing, she will never forgive you and never love you again.

If you keep on worrying and do the wrong things, she will never forgive you and never love you again.

If you stop worrying and do the right thing, she still does not forgive you and never love you agin.

If you stop worrying and do the right thing, you eventually win her heart and she forgives you and both of you pick up your life again.

In the first two cases, you screwed up again. Think and try again, bro.

In the third case ... well, no one is perfect. You have made a mistake and you learned from it and you do your best to change yourself and if she still does not forgive you, then she does not deserve you. Life goes on. Life is short, move on and find your own happiness.

In the last case, well, congratulations to both of you!

I hope you know what you need to do now. ;-)

[see see only]

I hope you know what you need to do now. ;-)

Very ture man, bro ktvking .... ;)


TS, mark your territory now since you guys are so-called restarting your relationship again ... :)

It is now or never :p

[shoei]

Very ture man, bro ktvking .... ;)


TS, mark your territory now since you guys are so-called restarting your relationship again ... :)

It is now or never :p

Mark territory?? :confused:

[shoei]

it has been about since 4 weeks since i updated the thread.
My wife is beginning to open up to me although sometimes we feel that our communcation is breaking down. She is going out with friends lesser now partly because of the kids and committment at home. I do enjoy and treasure this recovery period. I dont think wounds heal that fast and although time heals, time is infinite. I wonder how long it really take for her to truely forgive me.

To all bros, love and treasure ur co.

[teebs_darklord]

it has been about since 4 weeks since i updated the thread.
My wife is beginning to open up to me although sometimes we feel that our communcation is breaking down. She is going out with friends lesser now partly because of the kids and committment at home. I do enjoy and treasure this recovery period. I dont think wounds heal that fast and although time heals, time is infinite. I wonder how long it really take for her to truely forgive me.

To all bros, love and treasure ur co.

It may take forever or she might not forgive you totally...but if you can salvage the relationship for the sake of your children, that should be sufficient. Good luck...:D

[shoei]

It may take forever or she might not forgive you totally...but if you can salvage the relationship for the sake of your children, that should be sufficient. Good luck...:D

Thats the sad reality

[Boro]

just take things eazy, life still goes on

[shoei]

Starting to see some light. I think its better since we have kids and house. :)

[prccuntlover]

the PM say sorry
the rest as the elctorate say : Action speak louder than words

you need to take more effort and action to prove your sincerity

1) go for a second honeymoon to rekindle what make the 2 of you come together
2) care for the kids to pander to her maternistic instinct
3) work - home, work - home, to show good behaviour
4) another sure fire - pass all salary like hen pecked hubby and in return she issue allowance for meal and transport
5) make her laugh again

[magixskin]

Starting to see some light. I think its better since we have kids and house. :)

It's hard to beat a person who never gives up. :)

All the best..

[shoei]

thanks for all the encouragement. thanks bro. I hope this thread is able to help those who are in a similar situation as me. never give up.

[Simpleboy]

All the best :))