Love Feeling

[curiouswife]

wondering if its possible for hubby to get back lost feeling after married for 10 years? he lost feeling slowly after quarrelling over any issues every month..

[arsenal_84]

you guys have to start wooing back one another, have a HTH talk with him first.
in this case perhaps you would have to initiate courting him first like date him out and see whether he is still appreciative of you.

if all else fails, the last move is to seek a marriage councilor.

[hickeybites]

Dear sis...
Yes - can be done but it may take time. Don't expect the loving feeling to come back overnight. Gambatte!

my own personal 2c & experience...(not saying this is the absolute truth - just sharing)
- Easier to start with oneself & make changes on yourself, rather than expect the other person to change. Self-reflect: have I become naggier, more short-tempered, more curt etc etc over the years. Can start with making changes at own attitude & behaviour. Above all - be sincere. Our hubs can tell if we're just acting

- Don't sweat the small stuff & appreciate the man in your hubby. Our hubbies are not us and they shouldn't be. Thank him for the stuff that he's done for you/family & try not to criticize/nag when he seems to fall short on certain stuff. No one's perfect
E.g. In the past, I used to nag a bit when hubby speeds up rapidly in car & brakes super suddenly. Now if he jams brake or suddenly swerves to avoid sickening drivers, I'll take a deep breath, think positive & stroke his thigh/arm & praise him for his fast reaction/response & actually be thankful he's the one driving & not me!

- Really set time aside for him & put him above kids, house, career, parents, in-laws etc
This was quite tough for me as I liked to think I could balance everything & all can become my 1st priority. I'm not saying that our hubbies should be our one & only priority & we just become simpering mindless women with air between our ears. However it's important to our men that we value them - after all we chose each other as mates right?

- Remind him of the girl/lady that he used to date & chase
Very hard & this took me some time... so tough when we are swamped with all the chores, kids etc etc. But important to just take some time each day to "beautify" ourselves. Importantly it's not just surface looks but our personality, mannerisms etc. Again i'm not saying we revert to being SYTs or act blur blur/ goondu/ pretend to be virgins etc (hahah.. this cracked me up). Instead it's more about how I used to be so excited when I could meet up with him, how I would praise him, talk gently to him etc.
Familiarity breeds contempt unfortunately... relearning to see our close ones in new light does take effort but it's worth it.

Dates & special occasions do count but I also believe it's about the little thoughts & actions everyday that can make an impact.
I dunno the full situation behind your marriage but it's great that you are wondering if the loving feeling can be reclaimed. That at least is the first step

All the best!

[Uncertain]

That is absolutely right.... Everyone has their strength and weakness, the day you forgot about the strength and focus on ones weakness, then the relationship is heading to fail. Similarly for any other relationship... Embrace and appreciate are the keys to a healthy relationship, whether it's spouse, kids, in laws, friends, etc.

Love feeling can be recovered but not only time and effort. The situation that are created to arrive to this point and how to unravel is also important. It also depend on the characters of both party that over the years has developed. But to start from yourself is most important. Do things that creates relationship value, not just trying to cover volume or scope. What you always been doing may need changes as those proved to be not as effective, else the relationship would not turn downwards.




QUOTE=hickeybites;5890860]Dear sis...
Yes - can be done but it may take time. Don't expect the loving feeling to come back overnight. Gambatte!

my own personal 2c & experience...(not saying this is the absolute truth - just sharing)
- Easier to start with oneself & make changes on yourself, rather than expect the other person to change. Self-reflect: have I become naggier, more short-tempered, more curt etc etc over the years. Can start with making changes at own attitude & behaviour. Above all - be sincere. Our hubs can tell if we're just acting

- Don't sweat the small stuff & appreciate the man in your hubby. Our hubbies are not us and they shouldn't be. Thank him for the stuff that he's done for you/family & try not to criticize/nag when he seems to fall short on certain stuff. No one's perfect
E.g. In the past, I used to nag a bit when hubby speeds up rapidly in car & brakes super suddenly. Now if he jams brake or suddenly swerves to avoid sickening drivers, I'll take a deep breath, think positive & stroke his thigh/arm & praise him for his fast reaction/response & actually be thankful he's the one driving & not me!

- Really set time aside for him & put him above kids, house, career, parents, in-laws etc
This was quite tough for me as I liked to think I could balance everything & all can become my 1st priority. I'm not saying that our hubbies should be our one & only priority & we just become simpering mindless women with air between our ears. However it's important to our men that we value them - after all we chose each other as mates right?

- Remind him of the girl/lady that he used to date & chase
Very hard & this took me some time... so tough when we are swamped with all the chores, kids etc etc. But important to just take some time each day to "beautify" ourselves. Importantly it's not just surface looks but our personality, mannerisms etc. Again i'm not saying we revert to being SYTs or act blur blur/ goondu/ pretend to be virgins etc (hahah.. this cracked me up). Instead it's more about how I used to be so excited when I could meet up with him, how I would praise him, talk gently to him etc.
Familiarity breeds contempt unfortunately... relearning to see our close ones in new light does take effort but it's worth it.

Dates & special occasions do count but I also believe it's about the little thoughts & actions everyday that can make an impact.
I dunno the full situation behind your marriage but it's great that you are wondering if the loving feeling can be reclaimed. That at least is the first step

All the best![/QUOTE]

[arsenal_84]

Familiarity breeds contempt unfortunately...

yup, this is one phrase that many couples fail to heed...is never easy trying to keep a rs going.

[Reoxy]

It is a right move to come to SBF to seek advice.

There are many different reasons why married men like us like to come in here, one of which, is the one you have brought up.

I am not able to offer you any useful advice since I am not in this situation yet.

[curiouswife]

oh well... I am posting this thread as I need help and try to understand my hubby's feeling. In fact, I suddenly dunno my hubby well after he started his lifestyle recently.. We were married for 11 years but only stayed together for 3 years.

He did not like me to harp on past often whatever we quarrelled over many issues - his parents, kids' upbridging, housechord sharing, my past over 2 affairs, and recently his girl collegue who sent him nothing-sweet smses.

My hubby is a forgiving guy (did forgive my 2 affairs after i admitted my wrongdoings even though i do not do on purpose), tolerant with my character for many years, always come home after work. Yet, I failed to appreciate him. I only realised after he poured out his hurtful feelings to me and even thinking of filing a separation file (his collegues advised him to file for separation if we did not resolve our problem as they were once divorced before and now re-married happily with a baby not long).

I really regret my action many years ago as anger got the better ahead of me.. I walked out on him twice after my 2 kids were born as I really could not stay longer with his parents under the same roof. He was feeling hurt and alone, begged me to come home with kids but I refused unless we wanted to buy own home. He asked me to wait for a while more to earn enough money but I need to know how long we need to buy own home. The only solution for us is that I would go over his parents' place with kids every weekend and of cos, we had a good sex.. We really missed each other when we stayed apart too long liao.

Till we got our own home 3 years ago, he began to lose love feeling for me after i started picking a quarrel with him over small thing like those nothing-sweet sms from his girl collegue. He tried to convince me that he sees her as a collegue only. Suddenly i started harping on the past that pushed him away from me. Till the first week of April, he exploded out all his hurtful feelings and then I kept quiet and did not know what to do.. He admited that he lose his love feeling for me a few years but he tried to do something to keep us happy. But it did not work well for him. Thats why he started thinking of filing a separation file but in confusion mind.

I had to cool my head first and started sorting my thinking till very late night outside. This time, I did not bring my hp along, he began to worry about me and waited for me to come home.. I then asked him for a chance to let us repair the gap between us and need more time to put the past behind us.. He agreed, we move forward and then had a sex together.

But...a few days later, I got angry for nothing when i accidently saw same message frm his gal collegue...and also he started smoking on my birthday ( he is non-smoker after we got married). We had a big fight over smoking. (But i dun mind if he drinks beer) He said that he hates looking at my face as I kept reminding him of the past. I gently reminded him that I no longer dwell on the past and thought that we have to move forward for our future. He said that he is trying to.. I gave him more time and meanwhile, i started touching him n his little brother.. His little brother did respond but control himself well for not having sex with me.. He came up with excuses - tired, drinking made him sleepy when I need one from him. I tried very hard to change my short temper and doing ways to get back his lost love feeling for me.. wondering how long our love feeling can be rekindled..

Need opinions - will having another 3rd baby help to close our marriage gap? He was hurtful when he did not have a chance to take care of our kids when they were a baby. I suggested to him for having one more baby but he dun want, fearing that history will repeat itself again. I assumed that I will not do it again since we got our own home. a few friends of mine encouraged me to bear one more baby by accident as they feel that one more baby will help and who knows that things for us will get better... I am not so sure...

sorry for the long post... i need to steam off and feel better after this.. I need some knocking sense from you and need encouragement to change myself first...

[bloopz]

hi sis, i've just got married for one n a half years so i'm not really able to tell u from my own experience. but from observing my family members, i realized tat the main reason for quarrels is due to being taken for granted. no one likes to be taken for granted so do make sure u r not taking ur hubby for granted. :)

also, i realized it seems tat men looks for solace out of their home when their needs r not fulfilled or at least they try to rationalize it by giving the following reasons. this includes mental and physical needs.
mental needs: ability to engage with him in chats other then children, housework etc. read some news papers, take some courses if u r a housewife. ensure that u stay positive and happy. he can feel it too!
physical needs: some wives tend to neglect this after giving birth. do note that if he is not getting enough sex at home, he might turn to alternatives sooner or later..

bros, do let me know if the above applies to u or not? its from my observations so please dun flame me if its not accurate.. :P

[see see only]

Sincerely do not know how to advise you :o


But suddenly your posts reminded me of myself .... before i become "marrieded" i spend my fair bit of effort in wooing my ex-wife, put in a lot of effort to save up the money to arrange a wedding almost near to her reasonably high expectation ... given her parents 15 tables and some $$$$ for .... etc etc

Me also stay home most of the time so that she can be sure i no steal eat outside (instead she confessed she have 3), also say farewell to my drinking buddies and almost weekly soccer got to stop too .... :D sincerely did not know marriage life is so boringly demanding .....

However in the first place me indeed thought she will relax a bit in your demanding regulations after signing the certificate :rolleyes: hahahahahahaahaha ...
me wrong

And instead her regulation became much stricter ......... worst of all, eventually she dumped me after my business failed with lot of debts tat time .


Sis, i read your post .... you want to win your hubby heart back ... firstly you must go find out what he is thinking deep inside and what his expected marriage life like ...

Go fulfill his ideal marriage life from now instead of basing on your own ... :)

[Uncertain]

You are spot on....



.... you want to win your hubby heart back ... firstly you must go find out what he is thinking deep inside and what his expected marriage life like ...

Go fulfill his ideal marriage life from now instead of basing on your own ... :)[/QUOTE]

[see see only]

You are spot on....

.... you want to win your hubby heart back ... firstly you must go find out what he is thinking deep inside and what his expected marriage life like ...

Go fulfill his ideal marriage life from now instead of basing on your own ... :)

Sis ... :)

I wish you all the best and best of luck ... btw most of the time a small little thing: like light up a cigarette for him and follow with some small talk .... could means a lot :cool:

Nevertheless watch out for his little reaction though :)

[arsenal_84]

He did not like me to harp on past often whatever we quarrelled over many issues - his parents, kids' upbridging, housechord sharing, my past over 2 affairs, and recently his girl collegue who sent him nothing-sweet smses.


no forgiving man would like to be constantly reminded or mind fark (sorry for being crude) by his own wife and most especially reminding him about your very own wrong doings.
any sane man would have gone crazy by your treatment...

an example would be, i had an ex that kept harping on the word "break up" during every other argument and guess what ?
we did break up eventually.
some words are like poison in a rs, do take note that constant usage of the same lines will eventually have a corroding effect on your rs, just like verbal abuse.

for ppl at his workplace to advise him about filing for separation, i presumed that those bottled up feelings must have kept in his heart for a long period of time and he may have went drinking often.
how can a man work peacefully when he knows that his private life is in a mess ?

given the fact that your rs with your hubby now is pretty unstable, having another kid with him is probably not going to solve the issues at hand.

[Reoxy]

Suddenly all become very clear.

Your husband is fed-up with you.

You had 2 affairs and there are no such things as accidental affairs. You mean you and the guy fall over and both of you accidentally had sex? No such thing.

Your husband is very tolerant of you.

Pls just suck it up. Let him do whatever he wants and keep quiet. Stay together for the sake of your kids. Appear as loving parents regardless of whether there is still love between you both.

[ATAP]

Sis, let you give you my point of view. The Man's point of view. I had a similar situation as you and my wife is a bit similar to you. If I get angry over small matters and did not give in when we quarrel, it means that have a resource and I don't need you anymore. I do not need to give in your your shit anymore. So, if you not happy, just leave. Don't use another baby as your weapon to tied your man. If he wants to leave you nothing could stop him. For my advice, do not get angry over small matters or even big matters. Give in everytime you quarrel. This might work if your husband is a responsible man. And there might still be some feelings for you. If you quarrel with him, definately he will find this as an excuse to separate with you. I am living in a live experience now. Hope it will help you. My GF is not the sticky type. She even advise me to go back to my wife. I know she is a good gal. That is why I am now living in misery that I have to leave her. God bless us all.

[innuendo]

Suddenly all become very clear.

Your husband is fed-up with you.

You had 2 affairs and there are no such things as accidental affairs. You mean you and the guy fall over and both of you accidentally had sex? No such thing.

Your husband is very tolerant of you.

Pls just suck it up. Let him do whatever he wants and keep quiet. Stay together for the sake of your kids. Appear as loving parents regardless of whether there is still love between you both.

Well put. OP, you really don't need to look any further to realise that changes will have to start from within. And if you don't think you can do anything, it's because the straw's already broken the camel's back. That doesn't give him reason for infidelity, however, as two wrongs never make a right.

Think of the kids. And don't have another one.

[2centsworth]

Find this contradicting. You said you really regret what you did. You also say you got angry over nothing. Letting him be a weekend father is also your idea. The one having an affair is also you. Everything also you say and decide ah. Your husband is just a cock that brings kids into this world and satisfy you in bed on weekends, is it? Why did u cheat on him twice (ACCIDENTALLY twice... you want to bluff who? a penis suddenly drop into your vagina right?)

Come on lah... You want to come to a forum and tell us the problem behind the safety of your computer screen, at least do us a favour and tell it like it is without giving yourself excuses. Using a 3rd child as an additional bargaining chip to hold onto your husband is really cunning. Why bring a child into this world under such circumstances...

I think your husband is only staying on in the marriage because of your 2 kids. He has missed out on their childhood and won't want to miss out on their growth further. Whether you have sex with him or not, I doubt it's important to him anymore. Over the past 8 years when he only sees you on weekends, I really pity him if he only DIY to satisfy himself. He's also blind to marry you. Not understanding, cheats on him, demanding.

What's the point of coming into a forum to ask for help when you don't change for the better as a person? You seem to want us to give you miracle solutions where you can continue to remain as the selfish you and yet your husband can give up his idea to leave the marriage... Do you even realise that it's very difficult for a woman to forgive her husband if he cheats on her twice? It's even harder for a man to do the same, cos man got bigger pride and egos. If I were you, I will leave him alone to decide and respect his final decision.

[blohsg]

2centsworth : she's asking for a little advice ... no need harsh lecturing ... but you may have a poin

[BPITA]

Honestly ...... Forgiving is easy BUT Forgetting is HARD . Good Luck TS ! you will need lots of it .

[arsenal_84]

Using a 3rd child as an additional bargaining chip to hold onto your husband is really cunning. Why bring a child into this world under such circumstances...


sorry can't help it but have to agree with this statement.
sad to say, i feel TS is just taking her hubby for granted...what he needs now is to spend more time with his 2 children instead.

“All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.”
Winston Churchill

[hickeybites]

Dear Sis,
more clarity now after ur 2nd post.. altho I do feel that perhaps u're probably not in the clearest of thoughts & best emotional state as u've crammed a lot of stuff/history/baggage in one post. I feel some empathy towards u ~ seriously which married lady would want to post in a male-oriented forum & admit that she has had 2 affairs & kena cyber-stoned right?
Sure - u're anonymous & safe behind the computer screen but words can still sting...

Honestly none of our posts/advice will be able to help u understand ur hubby's feelings right now... there's so so much stuff/factors/history that none of us are privy to. With your admission of ur past transgressions & bad temper, it's easy for any of us to jump up & beat u down. Have you both seen a marriage counsellor? If not, please go - spend the money to go see a good one. In this case, I would suggest that you be the one to make the appointment & pay for the counselling sessions ~ sign of your sincerity to mend bridges.

I also got to say this - please don't listen to your friends abt having another baby - that has got to be one of the worst advice I've come across for some time. U're right to be not so sure... Our kids are innocent and deserve to grow up in a loving, secure environment. With things being rough btwn u & hubby, the baby may complicate things further & worse - suffer as a result. What about your 2 kids now? Are they honestly having the best of times right now? I believe that children subconsciously suffer from stress & anxiety when things between parents are rough ~ I've seen my own kid break down before.

I'm guessing that you may be in your 30s (?) - u can still change urself and make those changes permanent. Ok, I'm probably going to get zapped till kingdom come by feminists for what I'm going to say: my personal belief is that we as wives have got to respect & value our husbands as 1st and submit to them. And that includes things to do with in-laws ~ it's terrible for a man to feel sandwiched between his wife & his parents. U say that u really regret walking out with ur 2 kids from ur in-law's place ~ have u done anything to show ur remorse for those past actions? Are u close & loving with your in-laws now? If not, you should try to sincerely love them like your own parents.
U yourself say that those sweet-nothing sms-es from colleague is a small thing, so please refrain from picking on them. Also stop begrudging him over small stuff like smoking. In the larger context, they are honestly really insignificant. Honestly sometimes we women have the bad habit of going "You don't do XXX", "Why can you xxxxx" - I'm guilty of that myself...:(

Your hubby is really a rare find & he's fantastic for being such a forgiving & tolerant man - and you know it.
Get thee both to counselling ~ professional help may be the best course of action at this stage.

[2centsworth]

2centsworth : she's asking for a little advice ... no need harsh lecturing ... but you may have a poin

Well I do apologise if I sounded harsh. Sometimes harsh words cut straight to the point though. Be fair lah. He didn't complain about your 2 affairs but you complain about his parents.

1. I'm not against people having affairs. I'm no angel myself but whatever your reason for having an affair is, we are all adults. We are responsible for our own actions. We did it knowing fully well the facts and consequences. It's difficult to say I had 2 affairs but I didn't do it on purpose. What does that mean?

2. From what she said, they only managed to get a house 8 years after marriage due to financial reasons. Is it wise then to have 3 kids when money is tight and is it fair to have the 3rd kid because you wish to 'tie' your husband down with more responsibilities? This kid damn poor thing.

If I were you, this is what I will do.

Short-term: I will bring my kids out for a family day with the husband. Say to the zoo. Make sure the kids have fun. Don't know how old your kids are but if they can play at the water playground, that always bring the joy out in kids. Let them go 'Daddy... Mummy...' Ah... Perfect family picture. Subtly let your husband see that the kids deserve to have their father and mother at the same time. Hopefully, this will make him think harder about leaving.

Long-term: Make a change to be a better person and wife. Control that temper of yours. No point you flare up like a mad woman and then regret the things you have done when you have calmed down. Can I slap you when I'm angry and apologise to you when I'm calm? Show him you are changing for the better. So say (if he smokes again) tell him 'Last time if I see you smoke or (whatever XXX), I will quarrel with you immediately. Now I try to be a better wife, I will XXXXX and not scream without reason anymore.' Let him know and appreciate the changes in you. We men are sometimes quite dumb. If you don't point out how you have changed for the better, we might really not notice.

Sister... everyone is getting old every day. How many 11 years of your life can you forgo? Is it fair for the 2 young kids to choose between either having a daddy or a mummy but never the two of you at the same time? Hope this helps...

[alan0338]

OMFG affair twice and ur husband can still forgive u??!! :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Reoxy]

Dear All,

After reading through again from 1st to last posting, I have to highlight certain points so that fellow caring samsters do not shoot the flaming arrows at the wrong person.

So far, judging from the level of explanatory skill displayed by TS, we need to verify what she meant by her 2 affairs. Maybe there were mutual likings and in-depth emotional attachments but with rather superficial physical intimacy. To put things bluntly, we have to determine if the affairs were of "penetrating" nature because of the blunt but rather apt comments by 2cents "dick drop into vagina".

Maybe we all mis-understood her.

Anyway, I hope feloow samsters will continue to contribute selflessly towards saving this marriage and family as I will no longer be able to engage in such activity.

[arsenal_84]

a good article for sharing:
http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

[see see only]

OMFG affair twice and ur husband can still forgive u??!! :eek: :eek:

Nothing wrong lah ... me forgiven my ex-wife 3 fcuking times though cant forget ... and somemore got 1 case - the guy's gf came ask me "you not angry meh??"

I guess me kana "love spell" ba tat time :D:D

[Stud00]

TS,

i am sorry to say this, but you are the reason why some guys shun marriage.

I respect your husband, two affairs and he's still with you. DO NOT take him for granted. if you have an anger problem, seek help. And same thing for your marriage, go for counselling together, and please please do not have a 3rd kid, to have a 3rd kid in order to try "save" the relationship is utter bullshit. Work on yourself first and then your marriage. Communicate, talk with him.. TALK.. not shout or nag..

Good luck!

[curiouswife]

Dear Sis,
I'm guessing that you may be in your 30s (?) - u can still change urself and make those changes permanent. Ok, I'm probably going to get zapped till kingdom come by feminists for what I'm going to say: my personal belief is that we as wives have got to respect & value our husbands as 1st and submit to them. And that includes things to do with in-laws ~ it's terrible for a man to feel sandwiched between his wife & his parents. U say that u really regret walking out with ur 2 kids from ur in-law's place ~ have u done anything to show ur remorse for those past actions? Are u close & loving with your in-laws now? If not, you should try to sincerely love them like your own parents.
U yourself say that those sweet-nothing sms-es from colleague is a small thing, so please refrain from picking on them. Also stop begrudging him over small stuff like smoking. In the larger context, they are honestly really insignificant. Honestly sometimes we women have the bad habit of going "You don't do XXX", "Why can you xxxxx" - I'm guilty of that myself...

Your hubby is really a rare find & he's fantastic for being such a forgiving & tolerant man - and you know it.
Get thee both to counselling ~ professional help may be the best course of action at this stage.


Yes, in 30s now. Currently undergoing for counselling on my own. Trying to be a better wife and control my anger. But do not know if I can be successful, often feeling helpless when doing things to please my hubby.

To show my remorseful for my action, i moved back home but was feeling humliated in the front of his parents. Really did not feel good at all.

The things between his parents and me is back to normal after i started staying on my own. they are much nicer to me and I am doing the same to them too.

I am aware that my hubby is a rare find, I do treasure him more, but beyond my tolerance limits getting me breakdown nerves often. That's why I chose to walk out on him since he wanted to be a filial son to his parents.



1. I'm not against people having affairs. I'm no angel myself but whatever your reason for having an affair is, we are all adults. We are responsible for our own actions. We did it knowing fully well the facts and consequences. It's difficult to say I had 2 affairs but I didn't do it on purpose. What does that mean?

2. From what she said, they only managed to get a house 8 years after marriage due to financial reasons. Is it wise then to have 3 kids when money is tight and is it fair to have the 3rd kid because you wish to 'tie' your husband down with more responsibilities? This kid damn poor thing.


Its drunken state, leading me to commit 2 affairs. I really felt guilty after it was over. Frankly, it took me courage to admit them a few months later with the help of my marriage counsellor. I was depressed this time, and went for drinking to numb myself.

This time, i was a student, doing my diploma and my hubby was earning not much. (only entitled to renting a home but he did not want to settle rented home for time being to avoid the friction between his parents and me.) Thinking that it would be a better for us this way if we can visit his parents often, rather than staying together with them under one roof too long.

-----
Oh well, frankly I had no choice to marry my hubby cuz of the unborn baby at 21 after we knew each other for less than 1 year. You can say that its a shotgun marriage. I got to know him through IRC. This time I saw him as a friend only and needed his help with the school course. After a few meetings, he started chasing me even though I did make clear to him that I had a wonderful boyfriend of 2 years++. He did not care and wanted me badly for himself. I could not resist tempation of having sex with him when we were alone. I took pre-cautious measures to avoid pregnancy but he did shoot me inside, thinking that I could give up my boyfriend and marry him instead. May sound as it was silly.

I found out that I was pregnant after 2 months. Really confused and dare not ask anyone for help. (i don't know that there are forums online this time.) I told my hubby about it but he was very happy to hear it. (i was his first girlfriend.) But I told him I really feel nothing for him, why let this baby suffer with us. He said that its ok but need time to grow love for him. I did thought of aborbing it but he really went to jump off from my mom's place and hurted himself. Managed to stop him from doing silly things. This was giving me stress and I was really lost. I did talk to my ex-boyfriend about it but he was badly hurt and asked me to keep baby.. He asked me to make a choice between him n my hubby, can you imagine that it was difficult for me to make decision.

Finally I chose to marry my hubby. He was much happier while I was feeling miserable inside my heart for the sake of baby. On the eve of the wedding, i cried a lot and asked myself if I really want to marry him, and it would be good for us in the long term. I closed one eye and married him.

A month later after being married to him, my friends (including my ex-bf) came to my PIL's home to celebrate my 21st birthday. He really showed me the concern but my hubby was not happy. He started controlling me and I had to ensure it for the sake of baby.

Once the baby was born, it did forget my pain and miserable feeling. Taught me to love my hubby slowly. But his parents suddenly stepped in to bring him with them to their bed and even outings, leaving me at home to do shits for them and made me lose motherly feeling. Do not have a chance to take care of him as a baby together with my hubby. My hubby found it normal and let them take care of him. He wanted us to spend time together alone outside, but the quarrel took place. I really wanted 3 of us to have a family time. Till my tolerance has reached its limit, I walked out on him and took my baby with me to my mom's place without thinking twice. I was much persuaded by my maternal aunt to go back home with the baby. I agreed. Two years later, i got another baby by chance too. The history repeats itself... My hubby persuaded me to go back home, and asked me to spare a thought of him n unborn baby too but i refused. I was afraid that it would happen to me again. But shortly, I found out that he was seeing another girl behind (only started), thats why i forced myself to move back home and be a good wife. I caught myself depressed and went for drinking to numb myself. This is how the 2 affairs started.

Even though i admitted my 2 affairs to him, i was surprised that he forgave me and made me promise him that I won't do it again. I kept my promise. I agreed with somebody's saying "easy to forgive but not forgetting".

But now I don't know what changes him. I know that he hates me harping on my past. I tried to stop harping and trying to put the past behind me.. Seems painful for me and I sometimes think of it when quarrelling often. I was not so bad tempered before but my temper grew whatever he kept disagreeing and after a while, he gave in to me. (or maybe i feel not used to staying at home after quitting my job 2 month ago, temper grew). I did have a HTH with him but in the end quarrel took place. He said that he was only thinking of filing a separation but he thought why he married me from the 1st place. He felt it was not fair to me that he made me clinged to him for many years. He is now confused and I told him to give ourselves more time to rekindle our love feeling and not dwell on the past anymore. Filing for separation is not a good solution for us, and for kids' welfare. He agreed and we move forward to a better years ahead of us..

The reason of having another baby is that we wanted to re-build our parenting from the start since we have our own home, even though our kids are now big and do not need us sometimes. Our finanical is more stable now. But my hubby does not wish for it now and sees it as a "threathening" for him. I am still considering for the advantages n disadvantages of having another baby and meanwhile i have the bonds with my kids now.. Will see how thing goes first.

Now I am trying to be a better wife. But I dunno where to start to rekindle our love feeling. Everyday, I gave him a hug n kiss from behind after work but he said "ok can", unlike during our time, he would say "he feel good, touch me here and there. I need it now." Now feeling is totally different. I know that it requires a lot of time to get back lost feeling.

[arsenal_84]

having a shotgun marriage (where love was never mutual in the first place) is really shakey foundation to build a relationship upon.

[hickeybites]

Dear sis,
even more clarity now.. In a way I can empathize. Both ur hubby & u did not have it easy. It's no joke raising kids especially at a young age and when both of you were not ready & prepared. I got married later & had only one kid in 30s; & I still find it a huge (but so wonderful) endeavour. So my hats off to u & ur hubby & family.

It's good that u've been attending individual counselling... have u both considered going counselling together? It looks like u're undergoing a few changes (staying at home etc) & perhaps ur hubby is adjusting as well. Like I mentioned earlier - there are so many factors/history that none of us forummers know & honestly even u & ur hubby may not have the full picture as well. Going for joint counselling may perhaps bridge those gaps. Importantly, things that have happened in the past are in the past. We cannot rewrite our history & bemoan what could have been... Your marriage is indeed shaped by all that you have recounted, but how u both move forward would depend on your actions & intentions of today.

From what I'm reading (do correct me if I'm wrong) u do seem to equate the "loving feeling" to sexual advances/ lusty overtures (i.e. "touch me here & there. I need it now"). That kinda got me confused a bit... cos I think I was thinking along the lines of lovey-dovey-ness + sexual initiatives. In any case, mutual sexual longing between a couple is always good :D

My view is this: be it loving or lusty feelings, they cannot be forced or hurried. Just like our search for bf/gf/fb etc, many a time it all seems so elusive when we hanker & search for it... only to find that he/she appears when we least expect so. If I may liken the loving/lusty feeling to a plant - you plant the seeds, provide it the best soil/water/fertilizer/sunlight etc. In its own time, it'll grow & blossom ... but if u are to constantly stare at it & impatient for plant to bloom - it'll just never seems to reciprocate your efforts.
Basically what I'm trying to say is perhaps u can consider not being so impatient. To relax.. of course to continue being loving to your hubby (when I say loving, it's loving in ALL aspects & not just in bed). Take it easy & not keep wondering "why today no groping? how come he didn't pounce on me? etc"...

Having a 3rd kid honestly may make things worse.. and last thing u want is ur hubby to be feel trapped. Parenting is a wonderful responsibility but I feel love between husband & wife should come first... Not wise to put cart before the horse.
Take care