Blackdevil Jokes

[sgblackdevil]

Little Billy

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. "I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is," she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, "What flavor is that?"

The whole class answers "Mmm, that's cherry."

"Very good," the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, "Mmm, that's grape."

"Very good," she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says "OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other."

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, "Spit them out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!"

[sgblackdevil]

TRAINING TO PEE

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:

1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up

She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking he did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5, 3-5, 3-5...

[sgblackdevil]

THE UGLY KID

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

[sgblackdevil]

POLITICIANS

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicians, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said, "I buried them all... out back." The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."

[sgblackdevil]

WHALE

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...

[sgblackdevil]

DUCK HUNTER

A duck hunter, proud of his marksmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by.

"Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired.

The duck flew serenely on.

"My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck."

[sgblackdevil]

CONDOM SIZE

Two old women are walking one day and it starts to rain. One of the women takes a condom out of her pocket.

The other woman says "what do you have that for?" And, the first woman says "well, when it rains I use condoms to cover my cigarettes so they don't get wet."

The other woman says, "Oh that is a good idea!" So she goes to the pharmacy. While there she asks a clerk "where are the condoms?" and the clerk says "are you sure YOU want condoms?" And she says "Yes."

So the clerk asks her "what size do you want?" And she replies "Um, big enough to fit over a camel."

[sgblackdevil]

BREASTSTROKE

3 girls, a blonde, brunette and a redhead decided to compete in 50m breaststroke. So they jumped into the pool and swam.

The redhead reached the other side and got out of the pool in 30mins. Fair enough.

The brunette got out of the pool in 45mins. But the blonde was nowhere to be seen.

Finally after 5 hours, she got out of the pool and they asked her why she took such a long time. "It's not fair! You all used hands!"

[sgblackdevil]

CROWDED IN HEAVEN

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[sgblackdevil]

TOOTHBRUSH

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks. "Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

[sgblackdevil]

SOAP DISPENSER

A man and a woman made passionate love in the back seat of his car, in the process they managed to throw all of the clothes out the window and down a steep cliff.

After the sex the woman asked for a pack of cigarettes, the guy said but I? naked and all of my clothes are at the bottom of the cliff.

She convinced the man to get the cigarettes, and to act like a statue when some comes near him. So the man got two packs of cigarettes when a car of three nuns pulled up.

He freeze like a statue like the woman said. The first nun came up to the man and pulled on his penis until he dropped a pack of cigarettes then said, "Oh! A cigarette dispenser."

Then the second nun comes up to the man and pulled on his penis which made him drop the second pack of cigarettes the nun said, "Oh! A cigarette dispenser."

The last nun came up to the man and pulled on his penis, and pulled, and pulled then she said, "Oh! A soap dispenser."

[sgblackdevil]

BAD JEEVES

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" (And what was YOUR dirty mind thinking!)

[sgblackdevil]

SANTA AND THE BLONDE

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I got to go, got to go! I got to deliver these toys to the children, you know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I got to go, got to go! I got to deliver these toys to the children, you know!"

She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I got to stay, got to stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[sgblackdevil]

EGG IN THE BOX

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. "But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked. "Every time I got a dozen, I sold it."

[sgblackdevil]

TWO PRIESTS GO TO THE BEACH

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

[sgblackdevil]

PARROT

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one cost 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

[sgblackdevil]

THE BIG SHAKE-UP

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy".

[sgblackdevil]

A DOG NAME BREAST

There was this blonde who owns a Dog name Breast. One day the blonde went out, leaving only breast at home.

Moments later a thief broke into her house. The 1st thing the thief did was to go straight to the blonde's room.

Inside her room, he started to take out all the clothes in her closet.

When he found nothing, he went to the kitchen for a drink. Breast saw him and started barking. To stop Breast from barking, he went over and gave Breast a good squeezed. Finishing with that, he went over to the fridge, open it, found a bottle of milk, drank all of it and left.

When the blonde returned, she made a police report on seeing the mess. When the police arrived, they ask for an account on what had happen.

This is what the blonde told them.

"A thief broke in, took off all my clothes, squeezed my breast and drank all my milk."

[sgblackdevil]

CHINA PIGGY BANK

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."

[sgblackdevil]

THE TEST

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in. But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[sgblackdevil]

HIGHLY TRAINED PARROT

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French. If you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shopkeeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

"I fall off my perch you fool!" screeches the parrot.

[sgblackdevil]

DUMB AND DUMBER

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that many of the ladies had breasts larger than his mother's, so he told his mother just that. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the beach but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "things" than his dad does. His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy return to the beach to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother that, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!"

[sgblackdevil]

DISSUASION

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, "Don't reject the guy outright." So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut."

[sgblackdevil]

UNZIPPED MY FLY

In a crowded city, at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it become her turn to get on, she become aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her legs to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more for a second time. Attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt a little more slack and again was unable to make a step.

About this time, the Texan that was behind her in the line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we are friends!"

[sgblackdevil]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING?

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

[sgblackdevil]

SHARING HOTEL ROOMS

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[sgblackdevil]

AN UNREASONABLE WISH REQUEST

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish."

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel. No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing', know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[sgblackdevil]

ANCIENT TECHNOLOGY

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed, they ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Irish scientists were outraged, they dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

[sgblackdevil]

THE DEFENSE RESTS

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[sgblackdevil]

A BUNNY'S WISH

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone.

The pair agreed.

The bear said he would go first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish.

The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish.

The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.

The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish that all the bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

[sgblackdevil]

4 NEW FATHERS

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job."

[sgblackdevil]

WHAT HAPPENED IN TEXAS

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm going to have another beer and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm going to do what I do back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I do back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

[sgblackdevil]

TO NEW YORK

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class. I'm afraid you'll have to move."

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model." Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back." The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" - and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.

Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed. What did you say to her?"

The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."

[sgblackdevil]

MY WIFE DOESN'T USE IT

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now."

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

[sgblackdevil]

THE "REAL" THING

A guy went to Vegas for the first time in his life. He was very curious about the sex services offered there. Thru a bell boy, he found the best in town.

When the lady came, he asked: "How much is your service?" The lady said: "$100 for a hand job." "What? Why so expensive?" the guy asked in amazement.

The lady pulled the guy to the window and asked him: "Do you see that shiny red Porsche down there? That's what I earned by my hand!" The guy was convinced and decided to try her service. It was great! So he asked, "What else can you do?"

The lady said: "For $200 I'll give you a blowjob." "What? That's way too expensive for a blow job!" he replied.

The lady brought him to the window again, and said: "Do you see the restaurant down there? That's what I've earned with my mouth!"

So the guy decided to go for it and gave her $200. It was unbelievable! So he decided he wanted to try the "real" thing. So he asked: "How much for real intercourse?"

The lady pulled him over to the window again, and said: "Do you see that skyscraper there? It would have been mine a long time ago if I had a pussy!"

[sgblackdevil]

SUPERMAN

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I got to try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

[sgblackdevil]

STRICT NURSING HOME

After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[sgblackdevil]

WHO THINKS YOU'RE STUPID?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started by saying, "Everyone who thinks you?e stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you?e stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[sgblackdevil]

BAD PARROT

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad, says "OK, for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches.

When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[sgblackdevil]

BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE THINKING

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None." replied Johnny, "Because the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's rounded, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."

"Now, for the second: It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking."

"Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "It's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: "It is round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking."

[sgblackdevil]

DON'T LAUGH

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

[sgblackdevil]

GENIE WITH HEARING PROBLEM

One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.

One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."

So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.

The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"

The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"

[sgblackdevil]

CONDOMS

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condom because I think tonight is the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm going to get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[sgblackdevil]

DEAD GOLDFISH

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

[sgblackdevil]

STORY OF THE AXE

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" God asked.

The woodcutter said "No".

God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.

The woodcutter said "No".

God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.

The woodcutter said, "Yes".

God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes.

The woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"My wife has fallen into water."

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" God asked.

"Yes", he said.

God was furious, "YOU CHEAT! Now I am going to curse you."

The woodcutter quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord." It is a misunderstanding. If I say "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say "No" to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say, "Yes". Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that's why I've to say "Yes".

[sgblackdevil]

FASCINATE

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I want the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good", but I want the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was known for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

[sgblackdevil]

DUMB VS ATTRACTIVE

A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"

To which God replies: "So that you would find them attractive".

Then the man asks: "God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?"

To which God replies: "So that they would find you attractive!"

[sgblackdevil]

LEG TEST

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.

He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

[sgblackdevil]

PIG FARMER

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud.

"No," she says, "They're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[sgblackdevil]

TWO DRUNKS AND A SAUSAGE

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents, how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar."

"What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing.

"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it." "Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"

[sgblackdevil]

LOSING DATA

A secretary in our office was trying to save her data on a floppy. She kept complaining that the (single sided) 5 & 1/4 was losing her data. Well, I was asked to investigate. I unwilling approached the gallows.

I asked her to show me what she did when she saved her data. She took out a new disk, inserted it into the drive, formatted it, saved her data, and removed the diskette without a hitch. She then proceeded to peel off a new label, and carefully applied it to the disk.

No problems so far.

She then took the disk, inserted it into the typewriter, scrolled it through the roller, and neatly typed her label.

I found the problem on the first try.

[sgblackdevil]

HE'S STUCK

A bloke has a new sports car and takes his girlie out for a drive. She says that if he gets up to 200 km/h she'll take all her clothes off. So he puts his foot down and gets to 200 km/h and she takes all her clothes off!

Anyway, this distracts him and he crashes the car. She gets thrown clear but he's trapped. So he shouts "Get some help" and she says "But I'm naked!" So he chucks her his shoe and tells her to use that to cover herself up.

She puts it over her crotch and off she goes to a garage, and says to the guy behind the counter "Help, my boyfriend's stuck!" He looks at the shoe and says "Sorry, he's in too far, there's nothing I can do."

[sgblackdevil]

3 GUYS AND A GIRL IN A PRISON

One night, a girl was sent to jail for a felony charge. While waiting for the court summons, she became desperate and wanted to go escape. So, she asks the 3 guys in the jail with her on how to escape.

Girl: "How do I escape?" 1st guy: "Spend with me one night then I'll show you how to escape."

They spent a night and the next morning the 1st guy disappeared. So the girl asks the second guy.

Girl: "How do I escape?" 2nd guy: "Spend with me one night and I'll teach you how to escape."

They spent a night but the guy disappeared the next morning. Becoming more desperate than usual, she turned to the last guy.

Girl: "Please, teach me how to escape and don't disappear from me!" Last guy: "Sure. Spend with me one night and I'll bring you to a place where you can escape."

They spent a night together and the next morning they disappeared. Why?



Answer: Spend with me one night and I'll tell you the answer.

[sgblackdevil]

SEIZE HIM

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature. Receiving no response at the front door, he went around to the back door and knocked.

A high pitched voice from inside said, "Come in." Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by a large ferocious German shepherd. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall.

The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off your dog before he eats me alive." That same high pitched voice came from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the next room. It was empty, except for a parrot in a cage.

After being terrified by the huge dog, the mail carrier was furious and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides come in?"

Without hesitation the parrot said, "Seize him!"

[sgblackdevil]

SCHOOL'S OVER

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"

This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up.

This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[sgblackdevil]

ONE, TWO, THREE

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say one, two, three and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say one, two, three, and four and it will disappear for 12 months."

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say one, two, three for?"

[sgblackdevil]

I'D LOSE MY SIREN

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. The boy had his little red wagon. He had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat.

He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren."

[sgblackdevil]

WEE-WEE

For many years a guy is looking for a pure and innocent girl to marry.

Finally, he meets a really nice girl, but to be sure he brings her up to his place and after some drinks he drops his pant, holds his penis in his hand and asks her "What is this?" She says "That's a wee-wee."

So convinced of her purity he marries her. He's about to get into bed with her on their honeymoon night when he drops his pajamas and holding his penis in his hand once more, he asks "What's this?" She replies "I told you that's a wee-wee." He says, "No, this is really called a cock." She says "No, a cock is about eight inches long and two inches wide, yours is a wee-wee."

[sgblackdevil]

ELEPHANT'S TRUNK GLANDS

An old man and a young woman fall in love, but after trying to have sex a number of times the old man cannot stay erect.

They finally go to the doctor and he convinces the old man to have a new experimental procedure, in which an elephant's trunk glands are inserted into his dick, so he can stay erect when they make love.

He loves her, so he decides to try it, and it works! So they plan to get married, and he's invited over to her mother's house for dinner.

At the dinner table when her mother is in the kitchen the girl get horny and reaches under the table and opens the old man's pants and takes his dick out to play with it, but she quickly removes her hand when her mom returns from the kitchen with the food.

But, just as the mother puts the old man's plate down in front of him, the man's unzipped elephant dick suddenly reaches out, over the table and grabs a potato from his plate and pulls it quickly back under the table.

The astonished and dumbfounded mother finally says to the old man, "I can't believe what I just saw, can you do that again?" And the man says, "I'm sure I could, but I don't think I have room in my ass for another potato!"

[sgblackdevil]

INVENTING A WOMAN

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention. The assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the throne room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:"

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Humm," replies God, "Hold on a minute."

God goes over to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "You are 100% correct, my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[sgblackdevil]

CAMEL GEAR

Baby Camel: "Mum, why do we have such a huge hump?"

Mum Camel: "They're for storing fat in out in the desert."

Baby Camel: "Why do we have hooves, then?"

Mum Camel: "So our feet don't sink into the hot sand."

Baby Camel: "Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes?"

Mum Camel: "To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm."

A moment later...

Baby Camel: "Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?"

[sgblackdevil]

JOB INTERVIEW

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. "So, Miss," the interviewer asks, "Can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Um... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head, checks the measurement, and announces, "Five foot two."

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Just to confirm our records, what is your name, please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something to herself, before replying, "Jenny."

The interviewer is completely baffled, so he asks, "What did you do when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song, you know: 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

[sgblackdevil]

A DIRTY FORK

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly bring him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[sgblackdevil]

TALKING DOG

A man goes into a bar with a dog and sits down at the counter and places the dog on the next stool. "Let me have a beer" says the man, and the dog says "I'll have one too!" The bartender laughs and says "what are you a ventriloquist or something?" The man says "No, he is a talking dog," and the dog says "That's right, where's my beer?"

Well the bartender gives them a beer and after talking to them for a while he realizes this is for real. Finally, being out of cigarettes he asks the owner if his dog can get him some butts down the street. The owner says he never has, but I'm sure he can. So the bartender gives the dog ten dollars for a carton of cigarettes and sends the dog on its way.

Half an hour later when the dog doesn't return the two men get worried and go out looking for the dog. Finally, they pass an alley and there's his dog screwing another dog. The owner says to his dog, "I don't understand, you never did this before." And the dog says "I never had ten dollars before!"

[sgblackdevil]

WHAT IS POLITICS?

A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[sgblackdevil]

JOHNNY'S GAMBLING PROBLEM

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole, and took his ten dollars."

"Damn!" the father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

[sgblackdevil]

LIVER AND CHEESE

Once, there were three male dogs that set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence."

Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese."

"No imagination at all," said the poodle.

Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese."

"That's worse than the Lab," she replied.

Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

[sgblackdevil]

LITTLE BOY AND GIRL

There was once this little boy, and everyday he walked home from school past a little girl's house.

One day this little girl was playing outside, so the little boy walked up to her with his brand new football and said "See this football? This is a boy's toy and only boys can play with this." So the little girl got angry and ran inside to tell her mother.

The very next day the little girl showed her brand new football to the little boy, who got angry and ran home. The next day, the boy showed up with a new boy's bike and said, "See this bike? This is a boy's toy and only boys can play with it."

So the little girl got angry and ran inside to tell her mother, and the very next day had a brand new boy's bike.

The little boy got so angry that he pulled down his pants and said, "You see this, only boys can have this, girls can't."

And again the little girl ran inside to tell her mother.

The next day, the boy came back and asked here if she got one.

The little girl pulled up her shirt and said, "My mommy says as long I have a pair of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

[sgblackdevil]

MY GOOD OLD BOAT

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.

[sgblackdevil]

STAND STILL SOLDIER

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.

"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter" - that did it.

[sgblackdevil]

DRAW THE LINE

A guy and girl meet at a bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in, starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it and says, "What's this for? Are you some kind of pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kind of sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his Johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "You are going to have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[sgblackdevil]

LENGTH OR HEIGHT

A group of mangers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and a measuring tape. They keep falling off the ladder, dropping the tape and the whole thing in mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and gives the measurement to one of the manager and walk away.

After the engineer left, one of the manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length."

[sgblackdevil]

BREAKING OFF

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary, I cannot remember which one is you. Please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

[sgblackdevil]

FORBIDDEN ROOM

Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden!

Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of then men goes into the room. He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all over the walls. She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living. He tells her that he was a meat grinder so she pulls out a meat grinder and grinds up his dick he runs out screaming.

The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says, "My father was a butcher." So she chops it off and he runs out screaming.

Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens. But when she asks what his father did, he says, "He was a lollipop tester, so get down and start sucking!"

[sgblackdevil]

COMFORTABLE

A blonde and a brunette purchased a farm in Louisiana, but they needed a bull. It was decided that the brunette would take $200 and go to Chicago to buy the bull. She purchased the bull for $197 and went to send her friend a telegram. The clerk told her the telegram would cost three dollars per word to Louisiana. The brunette thought for a moment, then decided to send one word: "Comfortable."

The clerk was puzzled and asked, "How will your friend know what you mean?"

The brunette replied, "Well, you see, my friend is a little slow, so when she gets this, she'll read: 'Com-for-da-bul.'"

[sgblackdevil]

NEIGHBOR'S PET

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

[sgblackdevil]

BLONDE DECTECTIVE TRAINING

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well, that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmm... The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

[sgblackdevil]

COMPLETELY USELESS ANSWER

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[sgblackdevil]

6 DOUBLE VODKAS

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife."

[sgblackdevil]

TAKE OFF THE BRA BABY

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learns "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, "Mommy, I learned new words today." She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, "Takeoffzebrababy! (Take off the bra baby)"

[sgblackdevil]

I'M THE GOAL KEEPER

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goal keeper!"

[sgblackdevil]

YOU'RE NEXT

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, "Shut up! You're next!"

[sgblackdevil]

INTERESTING CONVERSATION

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.

The brunette said, "I went in my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes, I didn't even know she smoked!"

The red head said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even know she drank!"

Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even know she had a penis!"

[sgblackdevil]

SECOND OPINION

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer, dear?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[sgblackdevil]

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Here are five funny phone answering machine messages:

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

2. Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

3. Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

4. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

5. (Sexy female voice with heavy panting). Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in. (Sigh) Oh no, he's out. (Aah) Yes, he's in again. (Ooh) No he's out. (Aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he comes.

[sgblackdevil]

WOMAN WANTED

Seen in the want ads:

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

[sgblackdevil]

CINDERELLA AND ALAN

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied: "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again."

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

[sgblackdevil]

HITMAN

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."

About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replies, "Sure."

So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?" The hitman replies, "Relax. I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

[sgblackdevil]

DRUNKEN DUCK

A duck walks into a drugstore, and asks the cashier if he has any beer. The man says "No, this is a drugstore, we don't sell beer here."

The duck leaves, and returns home. The next day, he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. The man then replies, "I told you yesterday! We don't sell beer here! If you ask me one more time, I am going to nail your feet to the floor!"

The ducks leaves again. One final time the duck enters the store the next day, and this time says, "Do you have any nails?" The Man replies, "No." The duck then says, "Do you have any beer?"

[sgblackdevil]

FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[sgblackdevil]

DONATIONS

A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money.

The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps.

The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.

The blonde throws up her money, and yells, "God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."

[sgblackdevil]

SEXUAL EXHAUSTION

A high school teacher was giving his class a difficult assignment, he stressed the importance of this particular assignment.

He said that no excuses would be accepted, unless there was an illness with a doctor's note, or a death in the family with a death certificate.

One of his smart ass students pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds, "Well, I guess in that event, you'll have to figure out how to write your assignment with your other hand."

[sgblackdevil]

NAMING

A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal.

He says to his pal, "Hey! That's Jurassic Park director, Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over to say hi."

Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose.

"Hey! What's that for?"

"You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!"

"I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

"Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!"

Spielberg walks back.

The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch on the face.

"What...?"

"YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!"

"No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"

"Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"

[sgblackdevil]

SLEEPING AT CHURCH

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, "Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, "And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

[sgblackdevil]

PANDA

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a coke please." The barman took his order and the panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! Shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: "Argh! You just shot my friend!"

The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of course I do," the barman answered, "You're a panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "Now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition.

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

[sgblackdevil]

BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG

A blind man was walking across 7 freeways with a seeing eye dog and almost got killed.

When he got to the other side a man asked, "Why are you petting your dog." And the blind man said, "I'm not. I'm feeling for his tail so i can kick him in the ass."

[sgblackdevil]

THE GAME

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5 and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catch the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What is the distance from earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pull out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "OK," says the lawyer, "You turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and come down with four legs?" The lawyer puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his reference, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hand her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you!" And turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well. what was the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hand the lawyer $5, and go to sleep.

[sgblackdevil]

10 BLONDES 1 BRUNETTE

There were 10 blondes and one brunette hanging on a rope off of Mount Everest.

The rope couldnt hold all of them so one person would have to fall on to the cliff below and sacrifice her life so the rest could live.

The brunette gives a touching story of how she will sacrifice her life for the rest of them to live, and she will let go and die and after she does this touching speech all the blondes applauded her.

[sgblackdevil]

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU

A middle age woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operation table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone to come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital, after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[sgblackdevil]

UPGRADING TO HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

-- Desperate

***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

[sgblackdevil]

THE TIGER PUZZLE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[sgblackdevil]

MOMMY BALLOONS

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

[sgblackdevil]

NO ELECTRICITY

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this up!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.

The salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"

[sgblackdevil]

GREEN MAN

There was once a green man who lived in a green house, and everything in his house were green. Green TV, green utensils, green sofa etc.

One day, he was bathing in his green bathroom and suddenly a woman rang his green doorbell. The green man quickly wrapped himself up with his green towel and opened his green door. Suddenly, the green man dropped his green towel and the woman saw him naked! Immediately, the woman ran away and she got knocked over by a car.

So what is the moral of the story?

The answer is "Don't run when the GREEN MAN is flashing!"

[sgblackdevil]

SKILLED SAMURAI WARRIORS

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead is easy." replied the Jewish Samurai. "Circumcision. Now that takes skill!"

[sgblackdevil]

FIVE FLOORS

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, 'For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thin.'

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, 'All the men here have it long and thin.'

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'

[sgblackdevil]

COMMUNICATION ERRORS

1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as, "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was, "I wish you were her."

3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake.

The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, "Put getting older but you are getting better."

The salesman asked, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man said, "Well. Put 'You are getting older' at the top and 'But you are getting better' at the bottom."

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.

It read, "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom."


Moral of the Story

1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.

[sgblackdevil]

IT HURTS!

A man goes to the doctor and says, "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And here" (his leg) "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms).

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!"

[sgblackdevil]

LATE FOR THE EXAM

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in.

All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

[sgblackdevil]

75 STORY SKYSCRAPER

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story skyscraper.

After a long day of meeting, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell us sad stories for the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."

[sgblackdevil]

A TIFF WITH YOUR SPOUSE

It's 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around.

There's no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. The guy reckons "screw it" and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.

Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.

As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks, "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You're not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them any where."

"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She whips out her tampon and says "I'll pay you back in monthly installments."

[sgblackdevil]

GRANDMA'S DEAF!

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

[sgblackdevil]

FIRING SQUAD

Once upon a time a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were in front of a firing squad. The redhead was asked if she had any last words before she died. "Yes," she replied and screamed, "TORNADO!" The squad was distracted, and she got away.

Next, the brunette was asked if she had any last words before she died. "Yes," she replied, and hollered, "HURRICANE!" The squad was distracted again, and the brunette got away.

Finally the blonde was asked if she had any last words before she died. "Yes!" the blonde replied, then yelled, "FIRE!"

[sgblackdevil]

SHARKS VS CROCODILES

When my friend and I went for a swim near the mouth of Zambezi River, I asked a young boy, who was fishing nearby, whether there were sharks in the water.

"No." he answered.

My friend and I jumped into the water and started swimming. After several minutes, I called out the boy, "Are you sure there are no sharks here?"

"No sharks." he replied. "Sharks are afraid of crocodiles."

[sgblackdevil]

NICE BUTT

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!"

[sgblackdevil]

WHY, HOW, AND IFS

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

[sgblackdevil]

POTATOES

There was a red head, a blond, and a brunette running from the cops, and they come across an old abandon house. They run inside, and the brunette sees 3 burlap sacks.

She picks it up and puts it on over her head, huddles in the corner, and says meow, meow, meow. So the cops come in the house and go up to the bag, and kicked it, and say, "It must be a bag of kittens", and they move on.

The red head grabs another one of the sacks pulls it over her head, huddles in the corner, and says woof, woof, woof. The cops walk by, and shine the flashlight on them, kicked the bag, and say, "It must be a bag of puppies." They move on.

The blond grabs the last sack, puts it over her head, and huddles in the corner. She starts saying potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.

[sgblackdevil]

ARMY VS MARINES

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[sgblackdevil]

CLOCK IS BUSTED

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh Shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[sgblackdevil]

TELL ME

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says. "You."

[sgblackdevil]

3 MEN AND WHAT THEY THREW AWAY

3 men were sitting on a building, they were ordered to throw something away.

The 1st man threw his gold, 2nd, his wine, 3rd, a bomb.

They were walking one day, and the 1st person saw a girl crying, he asked why she was crying, she said a piece of gold hit her. "Sorry that was me," he said.

Same thing with the next girl, but she had wine on her head, which dyed her hair purple.

The 3rd person saw a girl laughing hysterically, he asked what was so funny. She said, "Daddy farted and the whole house blew up!"

[sgblackdevil]

JOB APPLICATION FORM

A man was filling out a job application form. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was, "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway, "Never got caught."

[sgblackdevil]

THE PAPER SHREDDER

The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" A secretary walking by asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How do you work this thing?"

"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.

"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?"

[sgblackdevil]

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!"

[sgblackdevil]

F IN ARITHMETIC

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said, "6."

"But that's right!"

Then she asked me, "How much is 3x2?"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's exactly what I said."

[sgblackdevil]

STRETCHING A DIME

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.

He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"

[sgblackdevil]

EXPECTING CHILD

For weeks a little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[sgblackdevil]

CHICKEN FARMER

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she need to files her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc and asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a Whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. This is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minutes, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5000 cocks last year!"

[sgblackdevil]

MY SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL

Four women are in a retirement home talking about their sons and playing bridge.

The first one say her son's a lawyer and he's so rich, he bought Porsches, one for himself, and one for his best friend.

The second woman says her son is a doctor and is so rich, he bought two speedboat, one for himself, and one for his best friend.

The third says her son is the CEO of a computer company and is so rich that he bought two mansion, one for himself and one for his best friend. Then all three of the woman turn to Edna, the last one.

Edna says, "My son is a homosexual and doesn't have to do anything because his boyfriends give him a Porsche, speedboat and a mansion."

[sgblackdevil]

MAC'S FLOPPY DRIVE

A user came up and wanted to know why their 3.5 inch disk wouldn't go into the Mac's floppy drive. I check out the disk, noted that it was okay, and then walked over to the offending machine, suspecting a hardware problem with the disk mechanism.

As I moved to insert the disk into the drive to test things out, the user interrupted me: "No! Not that drive. *this* one."

"This" drive, of course, turned out to be a CD-ROM.

[sgblackdevil]

I WANT A DIVORCE

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the steering wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph. "I've got the airbag!"

[sgblackdevil]

DONATING CENTER

There is a man and a woman in a elevator in a donating center. The man looks at the woman and says, "Why, hi there, what are you here for?"

The woman replies, "I'm here to donate blood."

"How much do you get for that?" The man asked.

"About 200 dollars." The woman replies. "What are you here for?" She asked.

The man replies, "I'm here to donate some sperm."

The woman asks, "How much do you get for that?"

"About 500 dollars." The man replies.

A few weeks later they meet in the elevator once again.

"Oh, hey there again." The man says to the woman. "Are you here to donate some more blood?" He asked.

The woman looked at him pointing at her mouth which was really puffy and shaking her head no.

[sgblackdevil]

RETIREMENT DAY

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said. "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!"

[sgblackdevil]

THE FROG

A woman walked into a pet store one day to get some supplies. She went up to the cash register to pay for them and she saw a sign next to a small fish tank that said, "Pussy eating frogs - $2.00" So not to be embarrassed she whispered to the cashier, "I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "Ok, now here are some instructions. Take them home and do every thing they say, in order."

The woman went home and did every thing the instructions said. She first took a bath, then she put on some perfume, then she put on a sexy nightgown, then she laid on the bed with the frog between her legs. She waited and waited and nothing happened. She thought maybe she did something wrong, so she did everything over again and still nothing. She called the pet store and told the manager, "Look, I've done everything the instructions said and this frog won't do anything." The manager said, "I'll be right there."

The manager arrived and the woman showed him again every thing she had done. The man picked up the frog and said, "I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[sgblackdevil]

DENTIST APPOINTMENT

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[sgblackdevil]

PHYSICAL THERAPIST

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explain that she was a physical therapist, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!" She told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnoooo, I'll be all right. I'll will be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hand inside. After a short massage, she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[sgblackdevil]

I WOULD WANT SILICON

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she talks about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Steve raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because it is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nod and called on Jane. Little Jane said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom had two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[sgblackdevil]

CAN'T GET ONE BY MOM

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than meets the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

[sgblackdevil]

A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[sgblackdevil]

FIFTY CENTS

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"

"I have only fifty cents!"

[sgblackdevil]

REAL PEARLS, REAL TEETH

Two elderly women who hated each other met at a party. The first woman asked, "Oh my, are those real pearls?"

The other lady answered, "Why, yes!"

"There are so many fakes these days, the only way I could tell if they were real is if I could bite them," sneered the first lady.

The second responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

[sgblackdevil]

PLAYING WITH VIBRATOR

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the Mom.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

[sgblackdevil]

I'M A BUG MAN

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."

"What are you doing in there?"

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

[sgblackdevil]

QUICK THINKING

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

[sgblackdevil]

MY VERY FIRST TIME

The night was young, the moon was high,

We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,

I knew just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spine.

I don't know how but I tried my best,

As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,

And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever milking a cow! (And what were YOU thinking about?)

[sgblackdevil]

ORANGE

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let Grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old. How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[sgblackdevil]

YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is. My stupid computer keeps saying, You've got mail!"

[sgblackdevil]

USE A CANDLE

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma?"

"Yes. Speaking."

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files. HOW?"

"Yes. We have a system of finding out who's overdue."

"GOD! This is too much."

"Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue."

"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow."

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[sgblackdevil]

UPGRADE TO WIFE 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.


Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

[sgblackdevil]

SMARTEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out on a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. Despite of the best efforts of the pilot.

The plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live." and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!" he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."

[sgblackdevil]

WORK VS PRISON

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers!

[sgblackdevil]

20 YEARS

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do." she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have got free today".

[sgblackdevil]

THE FARMER

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?" "Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?" "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp and steak. Why?" "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes, "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

[sgblackdevil]

THE HONEYMOON'S OVER

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma. As soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mamma!"

"Now $$$$$." Her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." Wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma. Words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

[sgblackdevil]

HIT WOMAN

This man wants to hire a hit man to take care of one of his enemies. He spreads the word that the tryouts would be the next day. The next day two guys and a woman show up.

He tells the first man, "Here's a gun. Go into the room and shoot whoever is in there." So he goes in and it's his wife. He comes out and he says, "I can't do it. I just can't shoot my wife."

So he calls in the next guy and tells him, "Here is a gun. Go shoot whoever is in that room." So he goes in there and it's his wife and he just can't shoot her.

Finally he calls in the woman. She comes in and the guy says, "Here is a gun. Go shoot the person in that room." So she goes in and it's her husband.

All of a sudden they here this Bang! Bang! Bang! Then they here this loud rustling. Eventually she comes out and says, "You didn't tell me the gun was full of blanks. I had to beat him to death with a chair!"

[sgblackdevil]

MENTAL PATIENTS

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[sgblackdevil]

A BEAR AND A RABBIT

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with it.

[sgblackdevil]

SMARTER THAN WE THINK

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt is riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[sgblackdevil]

SURGEON'S CHAT

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".

"I think librarians are the easiest." said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

[sgblackdevil]

SEX THERAPY

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[sgblackdevil]

ONE BIG DUDE

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

[sgblackdevil]

CAR ACCIDENT

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their car are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman say, "So you are a man and that is interesting. I am a woman. Wow, just look at our car! There is nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from god that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied. "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, the man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and than hands it back to the woman, The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[sgblackdevil]

BIOLOGY CLASS

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is that during childhood, girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

A student replied, "That's because guys have 'balls' and that weighs them down."

Teacher, "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"

Student: "That's because girls have breasts and they are heavier than the guys 'balls'."

Teacher FAINTED.

[sgblackdevil]

LET ME THROUGH

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

[sgblackdevil]

PORTRAIT

A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[sgblackdevil]

WAITER'S THUMB

A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup.

Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee.

Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food. The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm." The customer says, "Why don't you stick it up your ass!"

The waiter says, "I do that in the kitchen!"

[sgblackdevil]

JOB AT THE ZOO

Times were tough so when a job came up at the zoo, Jon was the first one there. On arrival he was told that the gorilla had just died and he was to wear a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla until another one could be found.

Jon loved his job - eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining visitors, lying about in the sun. Then one day he swung a bit too far and ended up in the lion enclosure. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely and ran to the fence and screamed for help.

Then as he turned back to face the lions one said, "If you don't stop screaming and shouting we'll all lose our bloody jobs!"

[sgblackdevil]

OUT WITH THE BOYS

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem. "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently slide down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

"How did you get in here so fast?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!" She replied, "You'll wake up my mother!"

[sgblackdevil]

PERIOD

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time comes for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period." Reported Johnnie.

"Well, I can see that." She said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned. If I know." Said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"