Cheating Spouse - To forgive or not?

[dion8et]

I’m shaken by my discovery 2weeks back when my hub of 4years (>15years togetherness) cheated on me. He has been slping in separate room mths ago on the reason that our bed is too squeezy with a cosleeping toddler.

I found photos and msgs that he cheated on me for the past 1y with a SYT(>10years age gap) subordinate at work. The intimacy and how she made him feels “young” again; the activities they had during this courtship, the intimacies etc. I was broken.

Since our firstborn came along, I know it’s impt to keep up with the flame but I am really burnt out being a working mom and rushing chores after the kid is asleep. He works long hours so usually is out early back late, so i’m on my own to manage the kid, household and whatnot. So yes, intimaticies are lacking.

I have to keep a clear mind albeit a broken heart. I confronted him days later and he said he was sorry and wanted to repent. He felt neglected ever since the kid came along and when this SYT joined his company and I guess she was all innocent yet poor thing with a family and financial background that eventually his sympathy to help her slowly develop into feelings over the year, and they progressed in the dark. I saw their chat history and he was one luring and bringing her into this forbidden relationship (she does have doubts at times whether if it is correct etc.) and upon the confrontation when he asks for forgiveness, I requested if he is willing to text this SYT for a clean breakup; he didnt at that point of time, that he fears she will suicide etc. Fast forward: 72hours after the expose he comes saying tt he will text her in front of me (in between he told me he had spoken f2f with her, and she walked away in tears etc.).

Honestly I have my reservation because actions taken after that 3days makes me wonder what conversation they have in between, if things were plotted etc. Obviously there were no response to his msg and that's about it.

Deep within me I am prepared to forgive him, and this 2 wks he is showing more concern towards me and family, chores, and making efforts to return home slightly earlier (previously he stayed almost till really late to claim taxi and send her back; quality time etc.) are making me gg soft. After all, it was a more than a decade of relationship and the emotional attachment to this man is really strong; I gave my all wholeheartedly to him and to uphold our home. I am not financially dependent on him, and I don’t believe in staying together just to give the kid a whole family. This is purely just out of the love I have for this man, kid or no kid.

I am caught in between this emotional attachment, yet I have nothing to build on my trust for him, it’s all based on what he tells me. Part of me is fearful that he will cheat on me again and be more vigilant nx time, and another part of me says just take the leap of faith - out of love. This is such a common yet deep topic, and I really don't know what to do.

[hccheonger]

I am sure his love for you is true and deep. Relationship of more than a decade is important to keep and cherish.

However, it is "quite" common for married guys like us to find fun outside the mundane work and family life. More so when we can find a younger female to shower us with praise, sex, etc.

Just my own opinion: Forgive :)

[igal]

My bet is that he will cheat again as the temptation is so great. A simple comparison here: SYT@work where he spent more than 3/4 of his waking hours with vs 1/4 at home with "family responsibilities". The odds of him succumbing to the dark side is great.

Now question is if you manage to catch him again, are you willing to close an eye like the olden time woman and keep this marriage? If not, the cycle of forgiveness and betrayal goes on.

Only you will be able to answer these questions yourself, do you love him enough to share him with another woman or does he love you enough to really take up the family responsibilities and forsake man's "natural" desire to fuck around?

[demonhunter]

Forgive and move on

BUT with a warning , if you catch him one more time , you will be hosting a Gang Bang session with the bros here ...

I'm sure he wont .

:D

[hccheonger]

Count me in :D

Forgive and move on

BUT with a warning , if you catch him one more time , you will be hosting a Gang Bang session with the bros here ...

I'm sure he wont .

:D

[dion8et]

I am sure his love for you is true and deep. Relationship of more than a decade is important to keep and cherish.

However, it is "quite" common for married guys like us to find fun outside the mundane work and family life. More so when we can find a younger female to shower us with praise, sex, etc.

Just my own opinion: Forgive :)

thanks bro for the honest input. it is precisely the duration of our relationship, the ups and downs, that I value it more than anything, that I fail to understand y he doesn't see it this way and if this is just the interim to fill what he is missing out on, were those sweet-nothings and his overflowing care and concern for her I saw on their chat means anything at all?

he confessed throughout this 1y some feelings have developed for this SYT, but he sort out his thoughts and said those were foolish act of his and he decided to "come home". :(

[dion8et]

My bet is that he will cheat again as the temptation is so great. A simple comparison here: SYT@work where he spent more than 3/4 of his waking hours with vs 1/4 at home with "family responsibilities". The odds of him succumbing to the dark side is great.

Now question is if you manage to catch him again, are you willing to close an eye like the olden time woman and keep this marriage? If not, the cycle of forgiveness and betrayal goes on.

Only you will be able to answer these questions yourself, do you love him enough to share him with another woman or does he love you enough to really take up the family responsibilities and forsake man's "natural" desire to fuck around?

thanks igal! this was my exact sentiment, afterall who would stand them still working under the same roof. his take was it took him so much to get to where he is today (he recently just got promoted there) and should he moves on, god knows when he can secure any similar paying job in this bad market nowadays. he cannot vouch for her departure too because he cannot do a unfair dismissal over non-work related. but he did 'says' that she has informed that she will be looking out for another job to move on. *shrugs*

I love him enough to forgive his act of foolishness, but I will not condone if he ever gets caught again, there and then out he will go.

[dion8et]

Forgive and move on

BUT with a warning , if you catch him one more time , you will be hosting a Gang Bang session with the bros here ...

I'm sure he wont .

:D

if I catch him one more time, out he goes and my wings shall soar LOL.

[MoeLanYong]

What doesn't cost him, he will try again. After all, you are so easy to cajole. A little act, a little pretense, and he got you hook, line and sinker. Easy piecey. I assume his fling is still seeing him in the office everyday? What a deal! Fxxking 2 women.

If I were you, I will drag him through hell and back. Not so much for revenge. But for the sheer fact he has to pay a heavy price. Else he will cheat again. I would. Men have poor memory when it comes to pleasuring themselves.

Throw some tantrum, be unreasonable, serve him a lawyer's letter for divorce. Let your lawyer spell out the terms in his face. This is when he realizes shit hits the ceiling - there are consequences for his philandering. He has to move out etc. Then forgive. In short, make him work hard to earn your trust. It is a once-in-a-lifetime olive branch not to be abused or taken for granted. Ever.

Remember to fly your kite properly. Dun pull too hard lest it snaps. Dun let go too easily lest it flies away.....into the arms of another woman. Keep your kite string taut. Good luck sis :)

[samdiy]

if I catch him one more time, out he goes and my wings shall soar LOL.
Let us soar together lol

[Jessie]

What doesn't cost him, he will try again. After all, you are so easy to cajole. A little act, a little pretense, and he got you hook, line and sinker. Easy piecey. I assume his fling is still seeing him in the office everyday? What a deal! Fxxking 2 women.

If I were you, I will drag him through hell and back. Not so much for revenge. But for the sheer fact he has to pay a heavy price. Else he will cheat again. I would. Men have poor memory when it comes to pleasuring themselves.

Throw some tantrum, be unreasonable, serve him a lawyer's letter for divorce. Let your lawyer spell out the terms in his face. This is when he realizes shit hits the ceiling - there are consequences for his philandering. He has to move out etc. Then forgive. In short, make him work hard to earn your trust. It is a once-in-a-lifetime olive branch not to be abused or taken for granted. Ever.

Remember to fly your kite properly. Dun pull too hard lest it snaps. Dun let go too easily lest it flies away.....into the arms of another woman. Keep your kite string taut. Good luck sis :)

Why would a man cheat in the 1st place? Making yourself difficult will only pushed him further away when the other competition is so accepting and tolerating.
A woman charm is forgiveness and then can only hope for the man to turn back.

My 2 cents

[Stimsia]

From a man's perspective, he won't change as the temptation is strong... if not the office syt, there may be potentially others一日不忠 白日不用。。
I know one guy who stay with his wife but has a long term fling whom he said he love most....
The heart is no longer there...
Reality is harsh... it's close eye, if not you need to decide what kind of tolerance, for the kid...(btw, the guy i know have no kid)...
Can try marriage counsellor...

[dion8et]

thanks everyone for the kind inputs, it does help to sort my mind abit clearer. yes it hurts so bad seeing he fall into temptation so easily and having know me for so long, he probably knew I am easy to cajole. I am depressed because I read how far and serious he is willing to progressed with her behind my back, to the extend of lying abt work trip so that he can plan their escapade; him setting up a small biz and letting her running it etc., which made me lost it. idk, if its just fling and all and home is still where the heart is, would he not have said all those?

[MoeLanYong]

A fling is a one night stand. Or maybe hot sex for 2 weeks. Just bodily lust and no emotions. But when he has slept with her for 1 year, he grew a relationship. There is love. The same way he loves you. He makes plans for her, including worrying for her suicide (I do read details). Hence I am not surprised he planned to set up a biz for her. He is hiding under the definition of a "fling". It is no longer one.

I can understand you are depressed. I do not accept you should suffer in silence. You are not competing on the same ground as sis Jessie suggested. You are his legally wedded wife. You have legal rights to protect yourself, your child and your family. His affair is not your fault. His explanation you neglected him over your pregnancy is an excuse. You mean to say every woman that births a child should be cheated upon just bec they were not in the mood to pleasure their husbands??

Come on. Don't be silly.

Read the threads here. Most men will tell you he is likely to re-offend. We know. Bec we are guys ourselves.

Forgive, yes. Make him pay a heavy price for his mistake. Else there is no learning. And then work on reconciling both your issues. Anything less becomes your fault for misjudging the situation.

One more thing. We guys. We want the ones that got away. Not treasure the ones we have. I know, its kinda sad. So "making yourself difficult" is not pushing him away. On the contrary, it will pique his interest. In you. Its a male conquest thingy.

[JieJieJiaoWo]

If I were you, I will drag him through hell and back. Not so much for revenge. But for the sheer fact he has to pay a heavy price. Else he will cheat again. I would. Men have poor memory when it comes to pleasuring themselves.

so fierce, but i think you are right. :o

if he is easily forgiven, he will think that he will be easily forgiven again the next time his sperm rush to his brain. of course it wont be a one time thing. as many male has said, every day eat chicken someday also want to eat pork.

if you love him so much, the best you can do to help him keep eating chicken everyday is to cook the chicken in different ways. of course it isnt fair to push the responsibility of making the chicken onto you alone. discuss how you guys like the chicken and experiment with different ways of making the chicken will help spice up your meals.

another way is to do pot luck with other couples.

chinese got a saying 一次不忠，百次不容, the first time, will decide their next hundred times.

a question to think about, if you were the one who cheated, will he forgive you?

[dion8et]

so fierce, but i think you are right. :o

if he is easily forgiven, he will think that he will be easily forgiven again the next time his sperm rush to his brain. of course it wont be a one time thing. as many male has said, every day eat chicken someday also want to eat pork.

if you love him so much, the best you can do to help him keep eating chicken everyday is to cook the chicken in different ways. of course it isnt fair to push the responsibility of making the chicken onto you alone. discuss how you guys like the chicken and experiment with different ways of making the chicken will help spice up your meals.

another way is to do pot luck with other couples.

chinese got a saying 一次不忠，百次不容, the first time, will decide their next hundred times.

a question to think about, if you were the one who cheated, will he forgive you?

when I thrashed out with him, he did said if tables turned around and I am the one, he will not hesitate to divorce right away without any ding dong, given his characters.

[dion8et]

A fling is a one night stand. Or maybe hot sex for 2 weeks. Just bodily lust and no emotions. But when he has slept with her for 1 year, he grew a relationship. There is love. The same way he loves you. He makes plans for her, including worrying for her suicide (I do read details). Hence I am not surprised he planned to set up a biz for her. He is hiding under the definition of a "fling". It is no longer one.

I can understand you are depressed. I do not accept you should suffer in silence. You are not competing on the same ground as sis Jessie suggested. You are his legally wedded wife. You have legal rights to protect yourself, your child and your family. His affair is not your fault. His explanation you neglected him over your pregnancy is an excuse. You mean to say every woman that births a child should be cheated upon just bec they were not in the mood to pleasure their husbands??

Come on. Don't be silly.

Read the threads here. Most men will tell you he is likely to re-offend. We know. Bec we are guys ourselves.

Forgive, yes. Make him pay a heavy price for his mistake. Else there is no learning. And then work on reconciling both your issues. Anything less becomes your fault for misjudging the situation.

One more thing. We guys. We want the ones that got away. Not treasure the ones we have. I know, its kinda sad. So "making yourself difficult" is not pushing him away. On the contrary, it will pique his interest. In you. Its a male conquest thingy.

bro I think your words hit on every nerve, though I felt broken after reading but I truthfully appreciate it.

I decided to give him the ultimatum to text him that I cant get over his deeds and i like to call it all off. he replied me in surprise that he thought we are slowing doing on fine? and i told him i had a gd thinking and i cannot forgive the hurt he has caused me and to the family, and i decided to move on without him. he pleaded for another chance and this time, he asks if i can please give him another chance for the sake of our baby, so that got me stuck and thinking, whether if i ever mean a lot to him to salvage this marriage or its just about his baby and the 'whole' family eventually? i hope i am not 钻牛角尖 in this convo exchange with him but i am really broken and scared. And i dk how to respond to this yet.

[Stereo]

Agree with MoeLanYong. Hum tum him jia lat jia lat! Hehe

[MoeLanYong]

I am sorry you are in pain. Be brave sis. For your child. You are doing fine. See, he came crawling back. He is just using the baby as a reason to persuade you. It is a good thing.

Go talk to him about your fears. Talk to him about the thoughts that haunt you. The visions of him and that slut together.

Reconcile. This is a pull.

Few days later, do a push. Go "cranky" again. He needs to see you hurt. He needs to see how much he has hurt you. See you pushed to the point of insanity. For him to realize what he has done.

(Sis, women are born jealous creatures. I do not know how you are still so calm to type here. You got to let it all out. At him. And when with him.)

Continue your push and pull cycles. Rem to include the lawyer part at some point (jmho).

Push and pull for how long? Only you will know. Months? Years? Take your time to heal.

Believe in yourself. Look to your child for inspiration.

[dion8et]

Calmness has always been my trait and i guess now it’s not doing me any gd in this scenario. I guess my character have slowly toughen over the years which I guess is not what he desire for me to be; he prefers a gentle and soft lady.

I’ll heed the advices here to be strong for myself n my kid, really thankful to all the Bros and sis here.

[Jessie]

Up to you. 1st and foremost, any kind of relationship is an emotional bank. If you are still loving him, then making yourself more difficult will drain his emotional bank and he will say to hell with these nonsense as he gets more negative feelings accumulated over time.
A divorce is a financial punishment to a man, he is afraid of losing what he had gained. However it means the children will be from a broken family in a social context, emotionally the children suffer.

BTW, I am a guy speaking from experience. He still loves you but the choice of using soft power or hard power is entirely up to you. It is just a choice. A woman who uses soft power are more clever than a hard woman.

I am not saying you should not have drama but knowing the limit and when to stop is important.

[cuntjigger]

Arrrh..ya hubby is a lost sheep in the forest of emotions! Ditch him if u wan n raise ya kid by yaself! True hot blooded Man doesnt succumb to all these temptations...i hve seen quite a handful! Moreover, they are big earners in their careers..simply respectful!

[qwerty55]

Up to you. 1st and foremost, any kind of relationship is an emotional bank. If you are still loving him, then making yourself more difficult will drain his emotional bank and he will say to hell with these nonsense as he gets more negative feelings accumulated over time.
A divorce is a financial punishment to a man, he is afraid of losing what he had gained. However it means the children will be from a broken family in a social context, emotionally the children suffer.

BTW, I am a guy speaking from experience. He still loves you but the choice of using soft power or hard power is entirely up to you. It is just a choice. A woman who uses soft power are more clever than a hard woman.

I am not saying you should not have drama but knowing the limit and when to stop is important.

I agree with Jessie, sometimes too much mindgame can drawn negative emotions into the relationship.

Everyone have a different limit on this, so grasping the right amount of it can make him value you for forgiving him, but overdoing it might damage the relationship in the long run

[ben2011]

when I thrashed out with him, he did said if tables turned around and I am the one, he will not hesitate to divorce right away without any ding dong, given his characters.

If possible, give him 1 more chance and give yourself 1 more chance?
I know it is not easy.... divorce is going to hurt not only u and him, but ur both family, and the baby too. Sadly.

Its easy to say divorce, but don't decide so soon. Think n think n think again.
We all make mistakes, its really not easy, I've gone through tis and was very tough and heart broken.
No matter whose fault, I believe is not easy for both of u, after all, its so many years of marriage.

However, most importantly collect all the evidences as u might need it in the future :D

Wish u all the best!

[Stimsia]

To prove his remorse get him to credit all salary into your bank account and draw daily allowance from you
The one who hold the purse string is the boss:cool:

[devilborne87]

To prove his remorse get him to credit all salary into your bank account and draw daily allowance from you
The one who hold the purse string is the boss:cool:

Strongly agree....a man without money is a man without penis....cannot go around to play......hahah

[labbityeo]

Give curfew and control the allowance

[YELLOW]

knowing when to stop is important ....

Up to you. 1st and foremost, any kind of relationship is an emotional bank. If you are still loving him, then making yourself more difficult will drain his emotional bank and he will say to hell with these nonsense as he gets more negative feelings accumulated over time.
A divorce is a financial punishment to a man, he is afraid of losing what he had gained. However it means the children will be from a broken family in a social context, emotionally the children suffer.

BTW, I am a guy speaking from experience. He still loves you but the choice of using soft power or hard power is entirely up to you. It is just a choice. A woman who uses soft power are more clever than a hard woman.

I am not saying you should not have drama but knowing the limit and when to stop is important.

[demonhunter]

if I catch him one more time, out he goes and my wings shall soar LOL.

Waiting on ya !

:D

[shuaiige521]

hi sis,
i think you shouldn't 'punish' him but show him how devastated you are, if he sees you in such pain the woman who loved him for more than 10 years, i'm sure he would be shattered, true repentance comes from love not from pain. That being said i know you have already made walls and barriers from him and trust is easily lost. Love is hard to find so treasure it, i think its worth the risk of him cheating, in the event if he does, leave him 爱情是不能勉强的 in the event he does not, your love for each other will be stronger than ever which many people are envious and looking for love like that :)
Just my 2c. Regardless, take care and stay strong sis!

[dion8et]

Thank you for the wise words. Now I guess we are back to probation period where he is trying to be back earlier, help out more when at home, and having more patience in the day to day (prev he snaps rather easily at me). It may be rather fast but I do feel some level of 安慰 when I see acts like these (maybe heart too soft idk) and I too feel fearful at times if these behavior are out of guilt and if it will ever wear out over time.

Recently, he’s been asking me if I wanted a luxury watch/bag and even prompt me several times to go checkout retail if any model I fancy. It throws me off a little because I dk if this is out to get over the guilt or if he genuinely feels like indulging. He’s definitely not like that prev, not with such enthusiastism level. If you in such shoes, will u accept?

[HeartThrow]

Will not accept. It is just a way to placate and make up for things.Not sure if it is proper usage but buying bags is 破财挡灾. Bags are not that important anyway as it is just an "item", his "acts of service" goes a long way. It is a test of his patience, character, attitude etc.

Accept it only if totally gave up, becomes vengeful and decide to milk him for all it is worth?

[MuffDiver69]

Thank you for the wise words. Now I guess we are back to probation period where he is trying to be back earlier, help out more when at home, and having more patience in the day to day (prev he snaps rather easily at me). It may be rather fast but I do feel some level of 安慰 when I see acts like these (maybe heart too soft idk) and I too feel fearful at times if these behavior are out of guilt and if it will ever wear out over time.

Recently, he’s been asking me if I wanted a luxury watch/bag and even prompt me several times to go checkout retail if any model I fancy. It throws me off a little because I dk if this is out to get over the guilt or if he genuinely feels like indulging. He’s definitely not like that prev, not with such enthusiastism level. If you in such shoes, will u accept?

if he is the only one trying, it won't last long. you have to put in some effort to keep him too. just because it was his fault to stray, it was partly your fault that led him to stray too. if you had kept him interested, feel appreciated and physically drained, do you think he will have time or energy to cheat?

so get your arse in gear, cook him a steak dinner, serve it to him in some kinky french maid costume and give him a blowjob while he is eating the steak.

[Jay Chou]

if he is the only one trying, it won't last long. you have to put in some effort to keep him too. just because it was his fault to stray, it was partly your fault that led him to stray too. if you had kept him interested, feel appreciated and physically drained, do you think he will have time or energy to cheat?

so get your arse in gear, cook him a steak dinner, serve it to him in some kinky french maid costume and give him a blowjob while he is eating the steak.

Up u bro. 😊

[MoeLanYong]

I will accept the bag if I were you. And show him I appreciate his gesture. Smile, thank him, be sweet to him, be happy with him, have sex with him (if you can). This is a pull. But don't forget to "push" him away 2 week later with your "fears and insecurities". A branded bag as a one-time peace offering is too cheap, imho. Make him work hard to earn your love and trust. He gets it too easy, his new behaviour will 'wear out over time'.

[tiggerx188]

Stop the blaming .

Hope this video can help.😊

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LVgzOyHVcj4

[Lucifypunk]

I think it’s best you both talk and mention what exactly do you expect from each other in terms of making the relationship comfortable.
That is, if you decide to forgive and continue on.
I personally had been cheated on, many times in fact. I’m extremely emotional and sensitive, so I forgave many times. Until one incident, where I completely lost myself and just literally turned grey. I gave up at one point and continued being with him even though we both knew he was still persuing another lady. It drained out my soul and I was dragging myself through the day hoping I’d get hit by a bus. He saw me dying on the inside and heard me cry at night. And eventually decided to change for good. It has been almost a year since he decided to come back for good and he has made a tremendous effort to keep me by his side. I think he could tell I wasn’t gonna buy anymore bullshit and already have tolerated enough. I guess u can say that all the hurt I felt, made me even stronger.

I took a risk. But it turned out for the better. It doesn’t guarantee that he won’t go back to his old ways, it is a risk everyday. But I love my man. And eventually we talked about what our boundaries were(partly cuz we were in a slightly open relationship).

Almost every man I know, plays outside when they’re married. Maybe 90% of the men I know. It has become a norm for me. But there’s a limit, and I think your husband crossed that line, because it has become more of a serious relationship rather than just a “fuck and go”. I personally would mention openly to him that that’s unacceptable.

I hope you’ll get through this :) take care of your heart.

[dion8et]

Tks bro and sis! I’m actually over with the blaming because what has happened had happened, and it’s really doesn’t serve any purpose doing the finger pointing anymore now. Now it’s just more of the fear and trust issue that if he will fall into temptation and do it again when the dust has settled over time.

I truly agree in making both hands clap and I am not sitting back waiting for him to do everything in order to decide if I shall be convinced or not, I know partly I contributed to this because maybe I didn’t manage my priorities and time management well after my kid arrived. The only thing I’m trying to figure out is how do I play my part yet not let him take for granted that I’m needy of him to the extend he can abuse my (bigger) love for him as foolishness. I guess this is smth we cannot help it since we can only control ourself but not others right?

[dion8et]

I think it’s best you both talk and mention what exactly do you expect from each other in terms of making the relationship comfortable.
That is, if you decide to forgive and continue on.
I personally had been cheated on, many times in fact. I’m extremely emotional and sensitive, so I forgave many times. Until one incident, where I completely lost myself and just literally turned grey. I gave up at one point and continued being with him even though we both knew he was still persuing another lady. It drained out my soul and I was dragging myself through the day hoping I’d get hit by a bus. He saw me dying on the inside and heard me cry at night. And eventually decided to change for good. It has been almost a year since he decided to come back for good and he has made a tremendous effort to keep me by his side. I think he could tell I wasn’t gonna buy anymore bullshit and already have tolerated enough. I guess u can say that all the hurt I felt, made me even stronger.

I took a risk. But it turned out for the better. It doesn’t guarantee that he won’t go back to his old ways, it is a risk everyday. But I love my man. And eventually we talked about what our boundaries were(partly cuz we were in a slightly open relationship).

Almost every man I know, plays outside when they’re married. Maybe 90% of the men I know. It has become a norm for me. But there’s a limit, and I think your husband crossed that line, because it has become more of a serious relationship rather than just a “fuck and go”. I personally would mention openly to him that that’s unacceptable.

I hope you’ll get through this :) take care of your heart.

Tks a lot sis for sharing yours :) may I know during the time when he made you died on the inside, how did you get through your life with him day to day? But im really happy for you that he figured out his thinking :)

Like the other bro who shared another thread about his wife and his gf, sometimes we can only do so much but it only happens when it takes for the third party to do smth or behave otherwise that will make the man wake up the idea.

[Lucifypunk]

Mine was a little.. weird
Cuz we stayed together throughout the incident.
I think I didn’t do much to cope with it. Just basically dragged myself
And I constantly tried to “chase him out” of my house. But not aggressively. He insisted on staying with me still but i was still hurting everyday. After giving up on the third party(cuz she got attached but still led him on) he continued to stay with me and asked me to give him some time. I gave him about 3 months before I packed his things and decided it was enough. He decided to start over and make a change.

It is true that sometimes it takes the third party to do something. I was in contact with the third party, and she maintained that she was not interested(that was a lie). It made no sense for me to talk to her cuz she kept lying about her intentions to me anyway. So I guess it depends.

If you think he’s not gonna change, then don’t bother going back to him. I personally think there’s nothing wrong with raising a child as a single mother, but you gotta make sure in the future when your child is old enough to understand that u explain to them and make sure things don’t get ugly infront of your children. I honestly think if you’re strong enough to get through life without depending on someone else, your child should be proud of you and take that as an inspiration in the future. On the down side, he/she may feel they lack a father figure in their life.

If you’re giving him one more chance then be firm about it. It is natural for anyone, man or woman, to take their chances again if they know they got away with it, unless they know the consequences. Typically couples who get back together after a major incident, get even closer than before and everything will be much more cherished. Though this entirely is subjective since eveyone is different.

No matter what, just take care of yourself. If possible have a calm and nice talk with him and make everything clear. :) good luck!

[Lucifypunk]

Anyway if u wanna talk to someone. WeChat: icexoxo

[YELLOW]

Keepbhis tummy full and balls empty

if I catch him one more time, out he goes and my wings shall soar LOL.

[wolfgang127]

Do you have a better choice for immediate replacement?:cool:

[dion8et]

this really sucks. just when i thought it was getting better, my friend spotted him at a mall with a group of colleagues and she was in the group too (4 guys, 2 ladies). apparently one of the guy in the group was claimed by my husband to be sick hence he has to stand in for him today. (its supposed to be my husband off day today)

i texted him on whereabout and called thereafter; he said he was at work meeting and no pickup on my calls. several mins passed and tries to return my call with a video call (which obviously i think he is already back in office by then) but i did not pick up. i sent him a disappointed msg that i "saw" him with the group and the girl that he claims he had a clean break with and he lied to me on his whereabout and what nots.

he claims innocence that it was really not what i think; his mc-ed colleague decided to return during the noon; they invited him out for group lunch and he has no idea she was joining until they were abt to go out; she appears to still be happily chatting nonchalantly because they are with the group and obviously did not want to behave like smth ever happened and he claims that she has got over it (it happened like 5weeks ago??) and hence just back to her casual self.

my friend although did not noticed any obvious affectionate behaviours, she saw that this girl stood beside him in the waiting group after buying her stuffs. and he tap on her arm to signal her seemingly to ask her to move when the group is going off. i am really getting all triggered and sensitive over these. he keeps repeatedly texting me tt it is not what i think but, where on earth such much coincidence happens or that he is so darn unlucky that just this once-ever (he claims) incident happens to be spotted by my friend?

before i make this very rash decision to take things into my own hand to text this girl on what he promises on his clean cut with her and keep her stances, pls advise me if would be a bad move? i cant be continuing listening to him and not knowing if i am keep being cheated upon or if he is telling me things that is not happening?

[grouchycabi]

before i make this very rash decision to take things into my own hand to text this girl on what he promises on his clean cut with her and keep her stances, pls advise me if would be a bad move? i cant be continuing listening to him and not knowing if i am keep being cheated upon or if he is telling me things that is not happening?

I would think don’t do anything rash first. He was with a group. Coincidence does occur. But if he was spotted with her ALONE, then I would say he’s back to his old ways.

Don’t jump to conclusion too easily. But do be alert.

[larue]

He's lying through his teeth and he's not going to stop as long as he thinks he can get away with it.

All that remains is what you want to do about it.

[dion8et]

Now the tables are turned around, and he is raged that my friend spotted him is a massive busybody who almost cost him his marriage and family. He was very mad at her for telling me and he felt incredibly maligned because it was purely an coicidence. I am very mixed up in thoughts over this because it could be genuinely true tt it’s all just coincidences (he can try Singapore pools maybe can strike it big) or he is just angered because picha lobang (恼羞成怒）

[Bullshitlar]

No matter what it is already over. The trust is gone m it will never be the same. Why torture urself? He had a choice to be a better man to fix the relationship but he choose to hurt u.

一次不忠，百次不用。

[dion8et]

Thank bro, your words speak right into me. I’ve been reading a lot to get self-help. It’s a very lonely and painful journey especially for the ones who got hurt. I’m really glad to have sought advices here before I go into making rash decision that would have reflected badly onto myself, as much as I have the urge to fight for my own righteousness (那口气）. After cooling down, I guess there was never any rights to talk abt, I already lost in the first place.

Now I just want to be happy and spend quality time with my kid and onto myself, to be grateful for whatever comes along. If he wishes to lie thru his teeth and thinks I’m just being nice and easy and he can continue his dark side, so be it; if I found out it’s just the end between us. Painful now to think abt it but slowly I’m getting enlightened and hopefully I see the light to the tunnel soon :)

[Learhsa]

There is no right or wrong here. I’ve been thru the same as an opposite gender. You will take time to heal most likely some time longer than the affair itself even if it really works out. You have to play the loving Wife, victim and maybe counsel if your husband won’t go counselling with you. You don’t really have to play the push and pull but be true to your emotions and he needs to be able to understand he contributed to the lack
Of trust issue. However as stated, when both of you have a clear mind. Do send the kid away a bit and try to relive courtship memories. You can share about inner desire which you became not comfortable with after marriage. It is true to no matter gender, surprises to appease each other goes a Long way. When you are so predictable obviously being together for decades doesn’t help especially when having a strain relationship.

Ultimately, you know you have a choice and you are not dependent on him. From your message, you chose to stay because you cherish the ups and down together over the past decade and that is commendable about. No doubt, he has developed feelings for the affair but in his heart he also knows the relationship is unlikely to get him anywhere unless you allow it to. You do however should request that you make one confrontational with the other party if possible. He needs to Understand this is essential to give you assurance that you are not kept in the dark if he sincerely wants to get together. If you can rationalizenyour demands, it’s easier to communicate with the “male” most oftenly.

Do some self reading on marriage recovery from infidelity and also schedule activities together. Things he’s interested in that you don’t feel too uncomfortable to join or even prove at times things you don’t enjoy but won’t mind accompanying him to. These actions should be reciprocal but not expected as it will also emotionally drain you from expectations. Have a open dialogue and agree how Long you need to speak about this issue till you recover. Review over a period of time and agree again. Do not publicly shame him especially with common friends and family especially your children. For those who are close and already know, just don’t keep them in the same circle for the time period.

It’s a balance you need to make between a loving Wife to win him back, the victim to let him understand the hurt and put on a counsellor hat to know what’s best for both of you.

It’s been 4 years since we’ve passed the confrontation, there will still be problems. But in our heart we also knew what we really wanted and things doesnt typically goes too south from there. You are at the darkest moment of a lifetime but reading from your message, you are also still very much sane to do the right thing.

Wishes you the best in your recovery

[happywoody]

when i was younger and idealistic ...
staying faithful to one woman seemed the right thing to do

as i grow older i realise it's biologically not normal to stay monogamous

[Aquarius9107]

No matter what it is already over. The trust is gone m it will never be the same. Why torture urself? He had a choice to be a better man to fix the relationship but he choose to hurt u.

一次不忠，百次不用。

I hv the same issue too, hubby keeps having flings outside, I think I hv given enough chance to him. My heart is dead, too tired to continue this marriage anymore. Today juz applied for MPP Counseling session before file for divorce.

[Learhsa]

It’s not about giving chance, you still need to work out the issues else it will just revert.

[labbityeo]

Just go on holiday for a week alone first .. Don't inform anyone.

[lazyguy]

Try to stay cool... Ur kid is thr most important... Spend ur time on ur kid...

[parrotkid]

I’m shaken by my discovery 2weeks back when my hub of 4years (>15years togetherness) cheated on me. He has been slping in separate room mths ago on the reason that our bed is too squeezy with a cosleeping toddler.

I found photos and msgs that he cheated on me for the past 1y with a SYT(>10years age gap) subordinate at work. The intimacy and how she made him feels “young” again; the activities they had during this courtship, the intimacies etc. I was broken.

Since our firstborn came along, I know it’s impt to keep up with the flame but I am really burnt out being a working mom and rushing chores after the kid is asleep. He works long hours so usually is out early back late, so i’m on my own to manage the kid, household and whatnot. So yes, intimaticies are lacking.

I have to keep a clear mind albeit a broken heart. I confronted him days later and he said he was sorry and wanted to repent. He felt neglected ever since the kid came along and when this SYT joined his company and I guess she was all innocent yet poor thing with a family and financial background that eventually his sympathy to help her slowly develop into feelings over the year, and they progressed in the dark. I saw their chat history and he was one luring and bringing her into this forbidden relationship (she does have doubts at times whether if it is correct etc.) and upon the confrontation when he asks for forgiveness, I requested if he is willing to text this SYT for a clean breakup; he didnt at that point of time, that he fears she will suicide etc. Fast forward: 72hours after the expose he comes saying tt he will text her in front of me (in between he told me he had spoken f2f with her, and she walked away in tears etc.).

Honestly I have my reservation because actions taken after that 3days makes me wonder what conversation they have in between, if things were plotted etc. Obviously there were no response to his msg and that's about it.

Deep within me I am prepared to forgive him, and this 2 wks he is showing more concern towards me and family, chores, and making efforts to return home slightly earlier (previously he stayed almost till really late to claim taxi and send her back; quality time etc.) are making me gg soft. After all, it was a more than a decade of relationship and the emotional attachment to this man is really strong; I gave my all wholeheartedly to him and to uphold our home. I am not financially dependent on him, and I don’t believe in staying together just to give the kid a whole family. This is purely just out of the love I have for this man, kid or no kid.

I am caught in between this emotional attachment, yet I have nothing to build on my trust for him, it’s all based on what he tells me. Part of me is fearful that he will cheat on me again and be more vigilant nx time, and another part of me says just take the leap of faith - out of love. This is such a common yet deep topic, and I really don't know what to do.

From a man's point of view, a man who cheats will cheat again. It has to do with integrity. If a person lacks it he is not going to have it for life. His values are obviously different from yours. Being faithful is not important to him.

I am also facing the same situation. My wife was not faithful. I am still very hurt by what happened. I try not to think about it and move on but the hurt is real. I am now immune to whatever she does. I think I no longer love her as much because she hurt me a lot.

If you are willing to be like me, to stay in the marriage but be prepared that he will cheat again, you have to be mentally very strong like me.

[Xgenre]

Consider all scenarios and prepare for all possibilities.

You have been with him for 15 years and you have a child. Leaving him is easily justifiable but you may end up being alone for life. It may be harder to find a new love as a divorcee with a child. You have so much memories with him that any new guy may wonder if this new love pales in comparison. Your child will also need a male influence in his/her life as the child grows up. You may not need him financially but it does look like a lonely road ahead. So do consider divorce carefully. Will you end up punishing yourself for what he did? Were you with him when he was a poorer guy 15 years ago and will divorcing allow the other woman to enjoy the economic benefits of his career now?

Why not suggest setting up a joint account to spend for the kid and yourself? He puts money in and you spend the money to buy things for yourself and the kid. You will be draining his ability to spend on the other woman. Over time, this will show that he is supporting you and the child financially at $XXX dollars per month. If he doesn't wake up and if divorce is unavoidable, this is useful for you.

Second guessing his real intentions is like running a set of questions over and over again inside your head. Why not engage a PI to verify his story? If he is reformed, the PI finds nothing. If he does not wake up, at least you have some evidence in hand.

Sometimes it is harder to compete with a younger woman. What she does in bed is also dependent on your man's sexual ability. How hungry he is... you will know better. Could it be a situation where he is hooked because she fans his ego? Many guys will feel flattered if someone a decade younger finds us attractive.

I hope this is just a temporary blip. Do consider the consequences of divorce. Will you end up alone for the rest of your life? If so, will you consider closing one eye for the next 5-10 years? There will be a period where the younger lady wants to get married and have kids. She may leave your husband when she realises she is putting all her 'eggs' ;) in his basket.

[AudT]

I’m shaken by my discovery 2weeks back when my hub of 4years (>15years togetherness) cheated on me. He has been slping in separate room mths ago on the reason that our bed is too squeezy with a cosleeping toddler.

I found photos and msgs that he cheated on me for the past 1y with a SYT(>10years age gap) subordinate at work. The intimacy and how she made him feels “young” again; the activities they had during this courtship, the intimacies etc. I was broken.

Since our firstborn came along, I know it’s impt to keep up with the flame but I am really burnt out being a working mom and rushing chores after the kid is asleep. He works long hours so usually is out early back late, so i’m on my own to manage the kid, household and whatnot. So yes, intimaticies are lacking.


I think it's so hard to forgive and move on, and you're so strong to be able to look past this transgression. On the one hand I want to say it's good to give him a second chance, on the other, if he's so wired, he may do it again. Unless he's really contrite, and willing to let you have his phone password, check his phone etc, it'll just end up with loads of anxiety every time he needs to work late or entertain clients.

[Max77]

If he is worth keeping, if not theres plenty of taller, stronger, wealthier, long lasting "harder" and "lengthier" man out there who are dying to get themselves some good women.

In this modern society, MILF is the IN thing and many young and hot blooded youngsters dont mind older women.


In another word, if he is not worth it anymore, just find urself another. All the best!