When u r not having a massage....

#1 07-03-2005, 03:40 PM

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, =
I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following & reply.....

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

#2 07-03-2005, 03:42 PM

Little Johnny watched the science teacher, as she put four worms into four separate jars.

The first worm was put in a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put in a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put in a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put in a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

First worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

The science teacher asked the class, "What can we learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny was the first to raise his hand. He said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

Cheers........

:lol:

#3 07-03-2005, 03:43 PM

One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink or two and were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too.

"I can't," the man said, " my wife would kill me."

After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes. Later looking at his watch he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's in.

Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wifes legs sticking out of the covers.

"I know" he thinks to himself and crawls in between his wifes legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is satisfied.

"That should do it," he thinks and walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He turns on the light and there's his wife sitting on the toilet.

"What are you doing in here?" he screams.

"SSShhhhhh!" she says, “You’ll wake mother!!!!!”

#4 07-03-2005, 03:44 PM

"Never Lie To Girls"

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

kilrein · #5 07-03-2005, 03:46 PM

Thanks for the jokes... but...hmm... this seems to be the wrong forum for jokes.

#6 07-03-2005, 03:47 PM

There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.

One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).

The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.

So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"

The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"

The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"

Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"

#7 07-03-2005, 03:50 PM

"Questions Answered"

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually
winds up playing with them.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
Mace.

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's
batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........

How did the Dairy Queen become pregnant?
Cause the Burger King forgot to cover his Whopper.

Why did man invent alcohol?
So ugly women could have sex too.

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex
you use the whole damn chicken.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of
a blowjob!"

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad
says "rub-it, rub-it".

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have
in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

cock21 · #8 08-03-2005, 01:42 AM

HAHAHAHA Bro, your Buddhist monk joke is da bomb!!!
I laughed and laughed non-stop for 3 mins.
Good one!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SexAndTheCity

There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.

One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).

The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.

So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"

The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"

The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"

Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"