Illegitimate child

Skarlett0 · #1 12-04-2014, 08:37 PM

Hey guys, this would be my first thread. Need to hear from a man's point of view about the sticky situation I'm in at this moment.

Characters:
-myself, late 20s.
-my child, 1 year old.
-my child's birth father who is 40 this year.
-his wife and kid
-his another lover (who is attached to another man and about to get married)

So yes I'm in a very messed up connection with this man that I really love.
I don't call him my boyfriend because he never treated me like I was his gf nor mistress. Part time couple maybe.

We were in a relationship for a year plus before I got pregnant. It wasn't planned. When he subsequently found out I was pregnant, he insist that we meet and talk about it. But in the end the meet up wasn't conclusive at all. All he said to me was that he is not the kind who will ask any female to go for an abortion(not just because it's me). Yet he can't ask me to keep the child because he is not ready to take up responsibility. On my part, it was a huge struggle. In the end I decided to keep my baby and carry on. And his stand never changed, he didn't want to make any decisions.

So throughout my pregnancy, he was there for me emotionally sometimes. Never there for me financially, I wouldn't allow him to (nor expect him to). Maybe in his heart he also didn't want to pay, he just made it sound nicer. We met up a lot lesser. In fact throughy pregnancy I probably met him less than 10 times. Sometimes he is there for me (on phone), but most of the times he doesn't show much concern. Sometimes he is nice but most times he is just cold to me.

When I was about to give birth, he will message me almost everytime to remind me to update him if I was in labour. He raised my hopes that he will be there for me but in the end it never happened. He was never here for me. He only message me. Time and again he toyed with my hopes and ruin me. But I chose to believe that he care. I did not expect him to pay for anything, all I wanted was time from him, but sadly both never happened. But I was still full of hope, or rather delusional.

He has only met our baby once. For a few minutes and that's about it. It was an emotional turmoil for me. I went through a life of roller coaster, I was in misery, post natal depression, etc. you name it I got it. All because of a man I love. And yet in the end, he never once show any sincerity In seeing us. He makes comment like, our baby is really cute etc, and appears to really like her. And when I get emotional, I will ask if he truly cared about the baby, he always say yes. When I get I to an arguement saying he doesn't care about us, he flies into a rage and say I'm thinking too much. I know that in actual fact, we don't really mean anything to him. At least that's my point of view. How can anyone say they care yet could go without seeing the child for so long?

His words confuses me. Right up till this stage I'm still in a draggy relationship with him. I'm pretty tired and torn apart. (Oh did I mention while I was pregnant, he met up with the woman he claims that he love a lot since many years ago?) and he chose to not keep me company. Sigh what a pathetic life.

My question now is, if any of you have an illegitimate child, and you know the child's mother has always been there for you even during the toughest time of your life, do you really care ? Or you just feel bad to abandon the mother and child? What are your views? Does he really care about the child at all? I'm asking all this because I want to move on with my child. All this emotional torment is destroying my life.

Ps: he doesn't love me. He just likes me. And he knows I'm the one who will go through thick and thin with him. The amount of things I have done for him is insane.

Pardon my poor command of English and thank you all for taking time to read my lengthy post. Thanks!

jnudes · #2 12-04-2014, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skarlett0

Hey guys, this would be my first thread. Need to hear from a man's point of view about the sticky situation I'm in at this moment.

Characters:
-myself, late 20s.
-my child, 1 year old.
-my child's birth father who is 40 this year.
-his wife and kid
-his another lover (who is attached to another man and about to get married)

So yes I'm in a very messed up connection with this man that I really love.
I don't call him my boyfriend because he never treated me like I was his gf nor mistress. Part time couple maybe.

We were in a relationship for a year plus before I got pregnant. It wasn't planned. When he subsequently found out I was pregnant, he insist that we meet and talk about it. But in the end the meet up wasn't conclusive at all. All he said to me was that he is not the kind who will ask any female to go for an abortion(not just because it's me). Yet he can't ask me to keep the child because he is not ready to take up responsibility. On my part, it was a huge struggle. In the end I decided to keep my baby and carry on. And his stand never changed, he didn't want to make any decisions.

So throughout my pregnancy, he was there for me emotionally sometimes. Never there for me financially, I wouldn't allow him to (nor expect him to). Maybe in his heart he also didn't want to pay, he just made it sound nicer. We met up a lot lesser. In fact throughy pregnancy I probably met him less than 10 times. Sometimes he is there for me (on phone), but most of the times he doesn't show much concern. Sometimes he is nice but most times he is just cold to me.

When I was about to give birth, he will message me almost everytime to remind me to update him if I was in labour. He raised my hopes that he will be there for me but in the end it never happened. He was never here for me. He only message me. Time and again he toyed with my hopes and ruin me. But I chose to believe that he care. I did not expect him to pay for anything, all I wanted was time from him, but sadly both never happened. But I was still full of hope, or rather delusional.

He has only met our baby once. For a few minutes and that's about it. It was an emotional turmoil for me. I went through a life of roller coaster, I was in misery, post natal depression, etc. you name it I got it. All because of a man I love. And yet in the end, he never once show any sincerity In seeing us. He makes comment like, our baby is really cute etc, and appears to really like her. And when I get emotional, I will ask if he truly cared about the baby, he always say yes. When I get I to an arguement saying he doesn't care about us, he flies into a rage and say I'm thinking too much. I know that in actual fact, we don't really mean anything to him. At least that's my point of view. How can anyone say they care yet could go without seeing the child for so long?

His words confuses me. Right up till this stage I'm still in a draggy relationship with him. I'm pretty tired and torn apart. (Oh did I mention while I was pregnant, he met up with the woman he claims that he love a lot since many years ago?) and he chose to not keep me company. Sigh what a pathetic life.

My question now is, if any of you have an illegitimate child, and you know the child's mother has always been there for you even during the toughest time of your life, do you really care ? Or you just feel bad to abandon the mother and child? What are your views? Does he really care about the child at all? I'm asking all this because I want to move on with my child. All this emotional torment is destroying my life.

Ps: he doesn't love me. He just likes me. And he knows I'm the one who will go through thick and thin with him. The amount of things I have done for him is insane.

Pardon my poor command of English and thank you all for taking time to read my lengthy post. Thanks!

Sis, I am 36 years old this year and not in the same situation like you as I never married or have kids with any woman or girl before. I am still single and my opinion is I think your man is an irresponsible person.

I am quite confused why you want to love and have a baby with a married man. YES I know you love him but he is married. Why can't you select a single person. There are many fishes in the pond for you to choose.

I feel sorry for your baby as he/she will probably not see his own father when he/she grows up one day. Being a single mother is tougher than a couple to raise a child. And also it is quite expensive too nowadays to raise a child.

That's why I always having sex using condom to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancy. And in my own view what you had done are so complicated that it will not give any benefit to anyone and I must mention your man is one selfish and disgusting playboy for his own pleasure benefits without caring for the other opposite feeling.

One day he will finally REGRET and receive RETRIBUTION for his past actions. Hope you can be strong enough to raise the child by yourself. Good luck sis!

Skarlett0 · #3 12-04-2014, 10:22 PM

I forgot to mention, I didn't know he is married man. And when i finally did, I was already pregnant. I will never mess with a married man if I had known earlier. I'm cheated inside out. But all these don't really matter anymore. Cos I don't want to be with him anymore, just want to know what is my child's position in his heart and preparing what I should tell my child in future if things turns out ugly between the adults.. I'm just deeply confused.

maxsee · #4 12-04-2014, 10:34 PM

It is quite obvious he is an extremely selfish person and he don't love you....Being a single mum will definitely be a big problem for you in the future...I have friends who are single mum and it is really a tough life out there...good luck to you...

Skarlett0 · #5 12-04-2014, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jnudes

...

I am quite confused why you want to love and have a baby with a married man. YES I know you love him but he is married. Why can't you select a single person. There are many fishes in the pond for you to choose.

I feel sorry for your baby as he/she will probably not see his own father when he/she grows up one day. Being a single mother is tougher than a couple to raise a child. And also it is quite expensive too nowadays to raise a child.

That's why I always having sex using condom to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancy. And in my own view what you had done are so complicated that it will not give any benefit to anyone and I must mention your man is one selfish and disgusting playboy for his own pleasure benefits without caring for the other opposite feeling.

One day he will finally REGRET and receive RETRIBUTION for his past actions. Hope you can be strong enough to raise the child by yourself. Good luck sis!

I'm not the kind of person that will play with fire. I know this does not benefit anyone, but going for an abortion does not too. I'm taking up the responsibility because I brought my child to the world. He did not volunteer to be conceived so how could I take his life away just because I m afraid of trouble? It's my mistake not his. Anyway all these are past now. We each have our own views. I hope we do not judge one another. Thank you for your input anyway.

Just to share, my child is doing well so far. It's tough for me but I am happy to have him around. The purpose of this thread is to have an idea of how much would a man ever care if he has an illegitimate child. since I can't get the truth from the father of my child, I can only ask for opinion and guess. I need to know what to tell my child in future if he asks about his dad. I would like to end this messy relationship for the benefit of my child. But I'm just unsure.

skaa · #6 12-04-2014, 11:24 PM

I don't think you need to worry too much about what to tell your child. The key thing is to totally forget the man and focus on getting the best for your child . This means getting yourself on a stable financial footing (e.g. jobs, child maintenance against the father), shelter and necessities. You need to move on for the sake of your child. And through your sacrifices and through the difficulties that both of you will experience together, he will come to realise who truly loved him and reciprocate.

When your child is older, you have the options of telling the truth or provide a simpler reason that he passed away. This is secondary at the moment since your child is still so young.

jnudes · #7 12-04-2014, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skarlett0

Just to share, my child is doing well so far. It's tough for me but I am happy to have him around. The purpose of this thread is to have an idea of how much would a man ever care if he has an illegitimate child. since I can't get the truth from the father of my child, I can only ask for opinion and guess. I need to know what to tell my child in future if he asks about his dad. I would like to end this messy relationship for the benefit of my child. But I'm just unsure.

Most man would not care, I say 90% of them, that's why a mother is always the best friend to her baby. This is not the first case about guy abandoning pregnant woman mentioned at SBF.

I remember got read one thread about one 20 year old gal needing to go through abortion by herself after having one night stand with a guy after he does not claim responsibility and ignore her, now the thread had been deleted.

Well, you can just tell him truth, you didn't know him when you guys in relationship that he is married. After knowing you pregnant, he did not want to take any responsibility so only you take care of him as single mother.

loneyheart · #8 12-04-2014, 11:51 PM

I agreed with woman said ... giving birth is like going to hell n U turn ... N u know he dum care
WHAT good u see in him ?? N he still hv a lover after after u
I think u know yr ans .... just face it n move on .... my wishes n regards to u sis

arsenal_84 · #9 13-04-2014, 12:04 AM

Sounds like a typical flowerpod thread...anyway good luck then.
If he is not with you during your worst period, don't expect him to be around in the future.

observer85 · #10 13-04-2014, 12:10 AM

My advise is to totally forget about him. This kinda of man, or should I say beast is totally a piece of shit that's not worth of ur time. Don't have anything to do with him anymore, just concentrate on rising ur child and carry on with ur life. Hopefully u can find someone who's really give his heart out to U and take care of u... Jai you and gd luck..

Skarlett0 · #11 13-04-2014, 12:30 AM

I think I'm not clear with what I said. The directions are not what I'm looking for but nvm. I have the answer yes, just seeking opinions. Thanks all for your input, and blessings. Please ignore thread.

Thanks again.

observer85 · #12 13-04-2014, 12:43 AM

Personally as a guy myself.. I think he's just finding a part time lover and toyin with ur feeling... Not all man are like this.. Seriously, just forget everything about this asshole and start a new with ur child ya.
All the best to u and gd luck sis .
Hope u can find ur happiness soon

Wintermelontea · #13 13-04-2014, 12:50 AM

You are very brave and have done extremely well despite what you have been through.

If you can, forget him and move on. Change your phone number as well as other things that you normally share with him.

Think for yourself and your daughter's sake now.

Talk to us and perhaps more like minded people will support you or your future actions. You must jia you!

Skarlett0 · #14 13-04-2014, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by observer85

Personally as a guy myself.. I think he's just finding a part time lover and toyin with ur feeling... Not all man are like this.. Seriously, just forget everything about this asshole and start a new with ur child ya.
All the best to u and gd luck sis .
Hope u can find ur happiness soon

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wintermelontea

You are very brave and have done extremely well despite what you have been through.

If you can, forget him and move on. Change your phone number as well as other things that you normally share with him.

Think for yourself and your daughter's sake now.

Talk to us and perhaps more like minded people will support you or your future actions. You must jia you!

Thanks guys for all your kind words.

One of my worries is if I cut contact with him, he will give me trouble. He is usually an egoistic piece of crap. Not saying that he will find us to want us back but more of like because I dumped him or Smthng. And because I do not know exactly what he takes my child for, I'm worried one day he may come disturb our life or try to take my cchild away from me. He is well to do and has a booming business. I know it's not easy for him to take my child away from me but judging from financial capability it's obvious he is way better than I am to provide for the child. These are my fears. I can't read his mind.

Tai_zi21 · #15 13-04-2014, 01:02 AM

Love is blind to mostly gals i would say expecting the guy will change for them

First let me ask u a few ques
1)wat are you hoping for now in the near future with him?
2)do u think he will leave ur family for u?
3)are u willing to be the third party to destory their family?

Awaiting ur answer