Heartache and Agony

doremond · #1 12-09-2014, 03:30 AM

To all bros/sis, it's 3am in the morning, and my mind is in turmoil. I've this pain and heartache in me that I can't relate to anyone. Thus I finally muster my courage to pen it down on this platform or I will surely go mad.

I'm in my mid 30s. I was a high flyer in a MNC after years of hardwork and preserverance. I was earning $300-400k a year. I've everything except a family life. I got married in my early 20s. My eldest is already 13yrs old. My first marriage was in ruins. My first wife was demanding and abusive. I put up with her for the children for the first 10 years and focus only on work. The last straw was when she repeatly raise her hand on me 3 years back. I move out. But I did not get a divorce because of the kids.
3 years ago, I happen to know this divorcee. We click right at the start and I thought I found my ONE! To cut the story short, to be with her, I decided the to formally divorce my first wife. I thought I could have a fresh start. My first wife did not agree to it despite I agreed to gave in to her condition even gave up the custody of the children. Thus I file for separation.

I then officially move in with my 2nd wife(XW) and her kids. I bought them a condo and gave her a car. I supported her for the next 2 years. I thought I was finally living a life. All went well until early this year, XW has a run in with the law and I took the blame for her. Admitting to her charges because I love her more than anything in this world. I lost my job, my account got frozen by the bloody authority. I've a large amt of cash sized by them too. Everything turns upside down within a day. But I thought I will survived, I will walk back to my feet as I'm with my loved ones.
But for the past 6 months, things took a huge dive in our relationship, she started to pick quarrels, she told me that she cannot stand being a no2 unless I officially divorce. I was like wtf, my whole seperation procedure was transparent to her, I did not lie or conceal anything. This was the beginning of a nightmare.

Because of this court case, I can't travel, and thus I've difficulty finding a new job. I went for numerous interviews but was often quoted as over qualified. Nevertheless, I keep on trying. XW then took on a job and started working again to help supplement the family. My savings are slowly depleted as I'm supporting first wife and children, XW and her children and my parents. I thought she was at least helping out. But things went worse just after 2 months into her job, she started having late night clients dinners, many other events with her colleagues.

The last straw came in 2hrs ago, her phone rang and I pick up the call as she was asleep. A man ask for her and I ask who is he? He ask me who am I and I reply that I'm the husband. He immediately hang up the phone. Bad thoughts starts to raise in my head and I did the unthinkable, I check her what's app and was reading through her msg.

I saw that she was constantly texting one of her client but was talking nothing about work. She was talking about meeting him during one of her out station few weeks later and was even talking about trips to Thailand. Basically it's flirting on the phone. I don't know how to react or think. Tears was flowing down uncontrollably and there's a mixture of heartache and agony!
The worst thing was that the timing of these SMS, it was in the morning when after I drop her to work at the mrt. I was texting her too at the same time telling her how much I miss her and how appreciative I felt that she is working. But I receive no single reply! Because she is busy telling the other guy how fanscinated of his travels and works.

At this point, I'm lying in bed with her sleeping by the side typing this on my phone. I'm at a lost and there's no much emotion in me. I still love her to the extend that I do not want to disrupt her sleep and is bearing this pain in me than confronting her.

Brothers and sisters out there, can any of you tell me what to do? How to move on my life? I gave up everything for her, took on the role as a step father to care for her kids. And truth be told, gave up my 2 precious baby just to be with her. What did I do to deserve all these!!

Apologies on the bad English and typo error, I'm not in the right mindset now.

HappyOwl · #2 12-09-2014, 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doremond

Apologies on the bad English and typo error, I'm not in the right mindset now.

Bro. doremond, regardless of whoever you are, even left with the last penny, I urge you to not do anything as of now. Whatever you are going to do next, may blows up the whole matter.

Would you just calm yourself down first, before your next logical decision making?

doremond · #3 12-09-2014, 03:55 AM

I'm lying quietly in bed, with tears into eyes that I can't control. I'm looking at my phone seeking solace from anyone now. Don't worry, I will not do anything silly or abusive to her. I love her too much to hurt her.

But why is she hurting me so so deep?

doremond · #4 12-09-2014, 03:57 AM

I don't know how to face her in the morning.

Happy owl, can you tell me what to do?

HappyOwl · #5 12-09-2014, 04:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doremond

I don't know how to face her in the morning.

Happy owl, can you tell me what to do?

Please do nothing for now. Matters of the heart will reveal itself soon.

The man who hung up the phone few hours ago may confronts her if he doesn't knows about your existence.

You must be calm. You are still not too sure about what exactly is going on. Right?

doremond · #6 12-09-2014, 04:12 AM

It's the msg that scares me, the message reminds me of our early days when I started with her. What is she doing? Why is she opening her doors to others? What am I to her? I fall from grace, gave up my life, my career, my everything to love and protect her.

doremond · #7 12-09-2014, 04:15 AM

Happy owl, thanks for the time and effort to reply this thread. I apologize fory emotion. Do have a good night and good sleep. The night is long for me now

HappyOwl · #8 12-09-2014, 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doremond

It's the msg that scares me, the message reminds me of our early days when I started with her. What is she doing? Why is she opening her doors to others? What am I to her? I fall from grace, gave up my life, my career, my everything to love and protect her.

We have only 24 hours a day. It will be real tough to think back 2400 hours ago as well as 2400 hours ahead.

Is the paranoid at plays now. Tackle that first alright?

HappyOwl · #9 12-09-2014, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doremond

Happy owl, thanks for the time and effort to reply this thread. I apologize fory emotion. Do have a good night and good sleep. The night is long for me now

Do feel at ease. There is a reason why you are the TS.

At any point of time, when the tension is rising up to a limit within your control, just take deep breathes & walk away first.

Communication is key in this instances.

jnudes · #10 12-09-2014, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doremond

It's the msg that scares me, the message reminds me of our early days when I started with her. What is she doing? Why is she opening her doors to others? What am I to her? I fall from grace, gave up my life, my career, my everything to love and protect her.

bro, I am in mid thirties just like you. However, I am still single. If you ask me I would say is the 'current technology' thing that is influencing the marriage. I also know many people are using this technology in their daily lives to keep in touch with their beloved ones. Some are truly addicted and can online as much as 12 hours per day, for example, Facebook.

It can help as well as destroying one relationship, depending on how one people using it. I have quitted Facebook, never have Whatapps, Wechat, etc and currently satisfied with a simple handphone with sms service only. I meet and talk with family members and friends face to face and sometimes by land phone.

This kind of current technology not only enable families and friends to keep in touch long distance but also meet new people, clients, strangers, foreign friends and even ex-lover!

Do you want to know what she is really doing? Ok I gotta be firm with you. She is just using you as a spare tyre (lean behind your shoulder for temporary comfort and security) and dump you when it is the right time after she found a new man.

I had met this kind of woman before and got hurt and scared with relationship after that. Although I am still single and never married before, I am contented with my current life. Your story only make me more pessimistic about marriage. Therefore better be single than regret later on.

maxsee · #11 12-09-2014, 08:23 AM

You are her ATM machine...And now that you have broken down, she has to look for new a ATM machine la.....It is a pity that you have dated so few times, that you are unable to discern real love from fake love....

doremond · #12 12-09-2014, 09:27 AM

To all bros, thanks for your concern. Truth be told, I was a player. Due to my first broken marriage, I've at least 2 dozen of 小三 previously. When I met her, the initial reaction was just F and go. But things took a turn and my emotion floodgates open. I thought I found my one.
But like what bro Maxsee said, love blinds me to differentiate what is real?
And I may not allow myself to see what is reality now.

fion.18 · #13 12-09-2014, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doremond

To all bros, thanks for your concern. Truth be told, I was a player. Due to my first broken marriage, I've at least 2 dozen of 小三 previously. When I met her, the initial reaction was just F and go. But things took a turn and my emotion floodgates open. I thought I found my one.
But like what bro Maxsee said, love blinds me to differentiate what is real?
And I may not allow myself to see what is reality now.

Well the old saying goes, if someone can't love you at your worst then they don't deserve you at your best. Sometimes a downfall helps us see what's real and what not. And who were the ones who stood by us and who chose to leave.

At this stage you love so much that you can forgive time and again. You can just give & give but there will come a day, your heart will turn cold and you will realize there is no point staying. It's still too early to tell how things will turn out for you but in the meanwhile, hang in there. Xx

MIFAcafe · #14 12-09-2014, 09:51 AM

Married once is more than enough; please don't get married again.....

Just remember when you felt you love someone; just back off a bit after sex with her..... and go on with your life.

You do not need a married cert to prove that you love someone.

Human emotion shift up and down..... and when it is bad it can be real bad..... just read Murphy Law.

Quote:

Originally Posted by doremond

To all bros, thanks for your concern. Truth be told, I was a player. Due to my first broken marriage, I've at least 2 dozen of 小三 previously. When I met her, the initial reaction was just F and go. But things took a turn and my emotion floodgates open. I thought I found my one.
But like what bro Maxsee said, love blinds me to differentiate what is real?
And I may not allow myself to see what is reality now.

doremond · #15 12-09-2014, 10:37 AM

I thought I was heartless, I thought I was a player. But when the emotion came pouring out. You can't just plug it and plug it.
I'm a process person, I'm driven by facts throughout my life. But this time when there are so much signs laid in front of me. I choose to be blind or choose not to see, I really don't know.

I'm a simple person, in hokkien, I only look forward to Kia kio, bo jio. Meaning, when you are home, your kids called you, when your wife sees you, she smile at you. I failed miserably once. I thought I found it again. But it seems to slip through my fingers again.

Is wanting a place called home a myth to people like me?