Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Shah Alam]

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

[Shah Alam]

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

[Shah Alam]

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak!

[Shah Alam]

Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

[Shah Alam]

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

[nottituck]

Why Masturbation is Better Than Sex


masturation is better than sex sometimes...
You don’t have to look your best.

You can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical.

You don’t have to promise to call in the morning.

If you use your other hand it feels like someone else. You can use both hands and have an orgy.

It doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye

You can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way.

You don’t need to make an appointment in advance.

You never have to say “I love you”, promise to mow the lawn, buy flowers.


source: Why Masturbation is Better Than Sex Sexy Tenga (http://sexytenga.wordpress.com/2008/11/11/why-masturbation-is-better-than-sex/)

[Caisheng]

nice thread for relaxing. thanks for sharing bro

[beary]

The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop.

The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."

The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer.

The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.

"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?"

"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her."

[Playman]

A matter of life or death....


A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

"Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" the police officer asks.

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death," the man replies.

"Oh, really? How's that?" the officer inquires.

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home," the man responds.

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death," the officer says.

"Because, If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man!" :D

[Playman]

Help Wanted

A retired man seeking part time work went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, and then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000. And you'll have to go to Billings, MT; that's about 550 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now." :D

[Playman]

Removing the curse....

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."
:D:D

[Playman]

President Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, $200."

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

:D:D

[Playman]

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend. :D

[Playman]

A man says to his wife: "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!":D:D

[Playman]

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

:D:D

[Playman]

Barging into his parents' bedroom, little Johnny found his naked mother on top of his father, bouncing up and down. As the boy scrammed, the mom dressed quickly and followed him to do some damage control.

Out in the hallway her son asked what she and his father were doing. "Well, you know Daddy has a big ol' tummy," she cooed. "Sometimes I have to climb on top to help flatten it."

"You're wasting you time, Mommy!" Johnny fired back. "When you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"
:D:D

[Playman]

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore. :D

[bakylotus]

TALKING ANIMALS


One day, while going through this routine,
he said, 'Hey there, John...', when to his
surprise, the horse turned around and
interrupted him!

It said,'For months now, you've walked in
here and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy,
how's everything today? and I'm tired of it,
you never wait for an answer, and besides,
my name is Randy'.

And with that the horse took off running.

Shocked, the owner took off running after the
horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit
his dog joined in the chase. After a while,
the man stopped to rest at the side of the
road. He took out his hankerchief and wipe
his face as his dog, who had continued the
chase, came back also now breathless, sat down
beside him.

The man wondered aloud, 'I've never heard a
horse talked before'.

'Me neither', said the dog, gasping for air.

[Roman city]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[Roman city]

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

[Roman city]

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

[Roman city]

Murphy's Law in Sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

[Roman city]

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

[Roman city]

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

[ilovelife.now]

A boy watches his mum and dad having sex he ask, "What are you doing ?"

His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"

Boy say, "Turn her around, I want a puppy!" :D

[ilovelife.now]

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"

The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

[Caisheng]

this is indeed a stress release thread. thanks to all bros:D

[bakylotus]

A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington DC
and the guide pointed out a tall, benovelent
gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, 'What does the chaplain do? Does
he pray for the Senate or the House?'

The guide answered, 'No, he gets up, looks at the
Congress, then prays for the country'.




Two lions escaped from a zoo in Washington DC and
took off in seperate directions. Weeks later, they
ran into each other in the middle of the night.

'I'm having a terrible time getting food', the first
lion said, 'How have you been getting along?'

'Just fine', the second lion said. 'I found a good
hiding place in the Pentagon. I eat one general a
week, it will be years before they notice that anyone
is missing'.

[Playman]

Stopping Santa....

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[Playman]

Classic doctor joke....

A husband wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." The husband shrugs and rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "Uh, you don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

:D:D

[bonking888]

Very interesting thread

[A Simple Man]

this thread is good.
so many jokes to read,some are really funny.
sharers here,thank you very much. :cool:

[bakylotus]

TIME FOR SOME HUMOUR AT TIGER WOODS' EXPENSE


What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
They are both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He
couldn't decide between the iron or the wood.

Based on Tiger's interests, his new product endorsement
will be for HOSTESS.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood.
But it looks like she really went for the driver.

Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be
released? Its titled 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant'.

Did you make it out of your driveway safely this morning?
Then you can say you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Tiger just lost his endorsement with Gillette because now
they can't use his ad in which he says, 'This was my
closest shave yet'.

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She is
teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger Woods.

What do Tiger and Elin have in common? They both try to
club his balls as hard as possible.

Usually Tiger makes it onto the fairway, but he is in trouble
on this round because he put one in the bush.

What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger? Looks like it was
a bitching wedge.

Tiger Woods has a lot of nice cars, but now he has a hole
in one.

and finally,

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30am
in the morning? They went clubbing!.

[Roman city]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile) changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God replies, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion

2. it chatters at high speeds

3. the rear end wobbles too much, and

4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention that yours."

[Roman city]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Roman city]

One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."

The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?"

His mom fainted.

[Playman]

No excuses....

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smartass male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

:D:D

[Caisheng]

Here for my daily dose bros. thanks:p

[beary]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

[beary]

Little Johnny is back...

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[beary]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

[beary]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He farted down one hill and farted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[beary]

The Fart Chart

1.. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart

2.. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts

3.. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private

4.. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes

5.. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times

6.. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others

7.. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others

8.. CARELESS : Farts in church

9.. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles

10.. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time

11.. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest

12.. CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go

13.. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating

14.. DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head

15.. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog

16.. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell

17.. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own

18.. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution

19.. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours

20.. FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts

21.. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart

22.. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason

23.. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs

24.. LAZY : Just fizzles

25.. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles

26.. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all

27.. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell

28.. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart

29.. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant

30.. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers

31.. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts

32.. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying

33.. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently

34.. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear

35.. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present

36.. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog

37.. STINGY : Belches to save his ass-hole

38.. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter

39.. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve

40.. TIMID : Jumps when he farts

41.. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself

42.. VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart

43.. WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion

44.. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit

[beary]

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station

Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Man: Please fill it up.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?

Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive. Old Man: Yes, it's been
quite pleasant.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He says he knows you

[beary]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a blow job and fuck him, or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

[beary]

Abe is an old Jewish guy who sells cloth. He lives next door to Smith, the biggest anti-Semite in town.

One day Smith calls on Abe and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange cloth. Its length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."

Abe says, "OK."

The next morning Smith is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row of lorries lined up one after the other dumping loads and loads of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon his garden is 5 ft deep in orange cloth.

Abe then presents Smith with a bill for £15,000

Smith starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I needed a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"

With a straight face, Abe replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you. That's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 5% discount; but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision. --

[beary]

A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Filipino replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

“And what is your second wish, ?” the Sheik asked.

Filipino smiled and said, “Tie the Pakistani to my back”!!!

[beary]

Good - Bad - Worse

GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen an Armani suit before...

GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife...

GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader!
BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash.
WORSE: It's jock itch...

GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage...

GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999...
WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.

GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school...
BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son & daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid...

GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan...

GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute...

GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...

[bakylotus]

PSYCHOLOGY


'What's the usual tip?' the man growled when a
college boy delivered his pizza.

'Well', the student replied, 'this is my first delivery,
but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out
of you, I'll be doing great'.

'That's so?' granted the man. 'In that case, here's
five dollars'.

'Thanks' the student said, 'I'll put it in my student
fund'.

'By the way, what are you studying?', the man asked.

'Applied psychology'.

[seesaw]

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

[seesaw]

A young pastor who normally rode a bike was walking despondently down the street when he came upon an older more experienced pastor.

The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply. "What is bothering you my son?" he asked.

"Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike" he replied.

The elder said, "If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal', really emphasize it."

Well the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.

"Well " said the older one, "I see my advice worked."

"Yes" the young pastor replied, "I took your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments and when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I'd left my bike."

[seesaw]

A man and his wife were trying to have a baby, but after several months they still had no success. The man decided to go to the doctor to see what the problem was.

The doctor told him, "Maybe you have a low sperm count. I'll need to run a few tests, so take this cup. I'll need a semen sample."

The man took the cup, went to the restroom, and handled his business. Afterward, a lady walked into the office to find out if her baby (still in her womb) was healthy. She started talking to the doctor about how excited she was to be having her first child. While she was chatting, the man walked out of the restroom with his sample but saw the doctor with the lady, so he put the cup down on a table and started pacing back and fourth.

The doctor noticed this and told the lady, "I'll have your test results in a moment. Please have a seat while I finish with this patient. We have coffee and donuts along with some magazines on the table over there."

The lady sat down, and the man walked over to the doctor and started talking about how he and his wife trying to conceive.

While the man and the doctor were talking, the lady interrupted and asked, "Excuse me, but the donuts are dry, and I don't drink coffee. Do you have any more milk to go with them."

The doctor says, "Milk? We never had any milk here."

[sexluver1314]

The doctor says, "Milk? We never had any milk here."

Wow. His sperm level must be damn high. I cup of milk. This is a good one.:D

[Playman]

How NOT to get a close shave....

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer: "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber: "Just pass it and bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." :D:D

[beary]

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.

"You`ll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we`ve copied your country`s legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn`t help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked,

"What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don`t know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about `an excited titter` running through the gallery."

[beary]

Jingle Bells (Aussie style)

Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It's Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Engine's getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family's there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes 'round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute..

[beary]

Santa comes down the chimney … there sits a nice looking lady ….

She says : “ Santa .. Would you please stay with me tonight? “

Santa replies: “ HO HO HO GOTTA GO … GOTTA DELIVER ALL THESE TOYS DON’T YA KNOW!”

The woman then drops her robe off and is in a sexy nighty…

She says “Please Santa .. I am all alone … please stay with me just tonight !”

Santa replies : “ HO HO HO GOTTA GO .. GOTTA DELIVER ALL THESE TOYS DON’T YA KNOW!”

She then drops the nighty off … and is really looking good ….. she says as she rubs on Santa in the nude : “ Please oh PLEASE Santa …. Please stay with me tonight” !

Santa replies “ HO HO HO … GUESS I GOTTA STAY ………

CANT GET UP THE CHIMINY WITH MA PECKER THIS WAY !”

[beary]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

'Go and get help!' he cried.

'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'

'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'

The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted..... ..!!!!!!! !!

[Roman city]

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package.

He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV.

In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

[Roman city]

A man is lying on an empty beach, sunbathing in the nude. He looks up to see a little girl approaching him. He looks frantically for something to cover himself with. He quickly grabs a magazine he was reading and puts it over himself.

The little girl comes up and asks what is under the magazine.

"A sleeping bird" the man says. "Don't disturb it".

The girl leaves, and the man falls asleep shortly after.

When he wakes up he is in a hospital with his crotch in extreme pain. The doctors ask him what happened to him. He tells them that he told a little girl it was a bird, and then went to sleep.

The doctors sent police to the beach to find the girl. When they find her, they ask her what happened.

She told them, "I got curious about the bird that the man hid. When I woke it up and began to play with it, it spit on me. So i broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and lit its nest on fire."

[Ken80]

haha thats a nice one:p

[seesaw]

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

[seesaw]

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her.

Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her perform oral sex with him a number of times.

The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"

[Sperm Man]

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[Caisheng]

Everyday a laughter is the best medicine for releasing stress. thanks bro:p

[Thailord]

"] Intelligence[/I]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." :D:D

[Thailord]

Election Victory

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted: "The results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smile faded: "Aw, hell, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

:D

[Thailord]

Extra Large Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells XL-size condoms.

"Yes we do," he replies: "Would you like to buy some?"

"No thanks," she responds: "But do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

:D:D

[Thailord]

Disabled Joe

A handicapped Vietnam vet is limping down the street, dragging his right foot behind him. He looks up and sees another guy about his age walking toward him. The guy is also dragging his right foot. Another disabled Joe!

The vet walks up to him, grabs him, by the hand and says: "Mekong Delta, 1969."

The other guy looks him square in the face and says: "Dog crap, five minutes ago."



:D:D

[Thailord]

Brain Transplant

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of rocket scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says: "This is a rip-off! How come the lawyer brains are so damn expensive?"

The doctor replies: "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

:D:D

[Thailord]

Rich Man, Poor Man

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both strolling along Madison Avenue after shopping for their wives. The poor man asks the rich man: "What did you get your wife this year?"

"I got her a Mercedes and a huge diamond ring," he replies.

"Why did you get her both?" the poor man asks.

"If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy," the rich man replies.

"What did you get your wife?" the rich man inquires.

"A pair of slippers and a dildo," the poor man replies.

"Why did you get her that?" the rich man asks.

"If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself!"

:D:D

[2thousand8]

Chinese Rabbi
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

[2thousand8]

Tendjewberrymud
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

[2thousand8]

Kerry or Bush?
There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support John Kerry, please drive with your headlights off at night.

[2thousand8]

Church Signs
1. CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers will be baptised!

2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."

3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"

4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, -"For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."

6. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are."

7. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."

8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking."

10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long
and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

13. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

14. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

15. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire Insurance soon."

16. " A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it.

17. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

18. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

19. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

[2thousand8]

A kindergartner was practicing spelling
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his
arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

“Look what I spelled, Mom!” with a proud smile on his face.

“That's wonderful!” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so Dad
can see when he gets home tonight.”

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having
an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Mom? How do you spell
‘zilla’?”

[2thousand8]

A Texan in Ballinclashett
A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.

Liam says, O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days.

Hey, Boy, says the Texan, Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine.

I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im, says Liam.

The Texan is getting angry now. Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now.

Oh well, says Liam, $2000.00US.

Deal! says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!

I keep tellin' you he don't look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up.

[2thousand8]

A champion jockey on a new horse
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

[Sperm Man]

jokes here are very funny. thank you for sharing

[bakylotus]

ONE LINERS

Outcome has a lot to do with income.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse,
not for good.

Some folks are so eager to find fault, you'd think
there's a reward.

I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know
what I would have smelled like.

Don't worry what people think, they don't do it
very often.

I wish my mouth had a backspace key.

I either want less coruption or more chances to
participate in it.

Smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying
to quit smoking kill people.

The older I get, the better I was.

Bad breath is better than no breath at all.

A pessimist is someone who complains about the
noice when opportunity knocks.

and
Those who want to learn listen, those who know
it all, interrupt.

[Joris]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quite bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[Thailord]

Fucked
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said: "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said: "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear:
"Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She smiled and said: "You will be when the tide comes in!"

:D:D

[Thailord]

'Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a agina'.She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina'....'Yes' she says... The man replies. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.'

:D:D

[Thailord]

Viagra?
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father Ovaltine and Viagra.
The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”
The nurse explains, “The Ovaltine will help him sleep.”
The man says, “And the Viagra?”
“Keeps him from falling out of bed!


:D:D

[Thailord]

Blood Test
Boy goes for blood test. Nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton so she sucks his finger! Boy is so happy he asks: Can I get a urine test also?

:D:D

[Thailord]

Taxi fare
Naked girl board taxi. Driver stared. Girl scold, never see a naked girl ah ? Driver reply: see before but wondering where u keep yr money to pay taxi fare?.

:D:D

[Thailord]

The sperm
The sperm wanted to be human very anxiously. One day an opportunity arrive so they rush out very quickly. Suddenly the leader shouted: STOP! My God we are finished. The boss is only masturbating


:D:D

[Thailord]

Golf Course
Do you know the most difficult Golf course in the world?
Answer: Women's hole. No matter how many strokes and what style you play, your balls will never go in!


:D:D

[Thailord]

Masturbating!
Girl in cinema turns sideway and whisper to her boyfriend man next to me is masturbating! ".BF:" Ignore him." .GF:"I can't. BF:"Why not?" GF:" He's using my HAND!"

:D:D

[Thailord]

Oral Exam
Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION. Class Teacher: Why not? Schoolgirl: Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"

:D:D

[walle]

u must be on fucking ang moh gao rite?

[Roman city]

"Santa's Dilemma" A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."


The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."


Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."


The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."


Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."


She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."


Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

[Roman city]

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath to pose as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"


He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"


The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[bakylotus]

A FRENCHMAN AND AN ENGLISHMAN


An Englishman was having breakfast in Paris, (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter, jam and tea) when a Frenchman,
chewing bubblegum, sat down next to him. The Englishman
ignores the French guy who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.

'You English folk eat the whole bread?'

'Of course', the Englishman replied.

The Frenchman, after blowing a big bubble said, 'We don't, in
France we only eat what's inside. The crusts, we collect in
a container, recycle them into croissants and sell them to
England', with a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listened in silence.

The Frenchman persists, 'Do you eat jam with the bread?'

'Of course', the Englishman replied.

The Frenchman, cracking his bubblegum between his teeth
and chuckling, said, 'We don't, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, leftovers in containers,
re-cycled and transformed in jams and sell them to England'.

After a moment of silence, the Englishman then asked, 'Do you
have sex in France?'

The Frenchman with an even bigger smirk said, 'Of course we do!'.

The Englishman then asked, 'What do you do with the condoms
once you used them?'

'We throw them away of course', the Frenchman replied.

The Englishman, with a devilish smile, replied, 'We don't, in
England, we put them in a container, recycle them by melting
them down into bubblegum and sell them in France!'.

[Thailord]

Pussy cat
Teacher: John, why is your cat at school today?
John is crying and say, I heard the postman tell mum. When the kid goes to school I'm gonna eat your pussy

:D:D

[Thailord]

Condom vs kotek
Condom vs kotek, condom says 2 kotek when u work, my business is in loss for 7 days. Kotex replies- if u fail 2 work once, my business stops for 9 months.


:D:D

[Thailord]

Kinky sex
Man says to wife" I fancy kinky sex ,how about I cum in your ear!
Wife says: No, I might go deaf!
Man Says: Bullshit! I've been cumming in your mouth for 20 yrs & you are still talking!.

:D:D

[Thailord]

Retirement Sex!!!!
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
:D:D

[bakylotus]

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in
a bar. 'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?'
he asked.

'I don't know' replied the beautiful young woman.
'Depends on how personal the question is'.

'Ok', the guy said. 'How many men have you slept
with?'

'I'm not going to tell you that', she replied. 'That's my
business'.

'Sorry', the guy said, 'I'didn't realised you make a
business out of it'.

[Caisheng]

nice joke here:p

[seesaw]

The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love.

Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love".

Very good said the teacher, anyone else?

Little Johnny stood up and said i think love is "fucking".

The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father.

The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?"

Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers."

[seesaw]

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.

Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"

He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.

"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"

Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.

" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"

He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."

[seesaw]

Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"

After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."

The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"

Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet.

He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.

She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"

She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"

The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"

[seesaw]

A traveling salesman was passing through the country side and stopped at a farm asking for some cool water. The old farmers wife invited him to sit in the shade of the porch with her and got him some cold lemonade.

They sat and talked for a while when suddenly a hen went running by with a rooster covered in a pair of coveralls chasing her.

The salesman asked, "What in the devil was that?"

The old farmer’s wife told him "Well you see, some years ago we had a tornado come through here and hit the hen house. It killed all our chickens except for that rooster, but it plucked every feather off of him. Well I kind of felt sorry for him, seeing how as he did survive a tornado and I knitted him a pair of coveralls."

The salesman said, "Well that is just about the funniest thing I have ever seen."

To which the farmers wife replied, "You think that's funny, you ought to see that rooster hold a hen down with one leg and try to get those coveralls off with the other."

[bakylotus]

AGAIN


A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him
and said, 'Didn't I tell you the last time you were in my
courtroom that I don't ever want to see you again?'

'Yes, your Honor,' the defendant replied. 'That's exactly
what I told the police officer, but he insisted that I
come anyway'.

[2thousand8]

Christmas heaven joke

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering, they must present something ‘Christmassy’. The first man searches his pocket and finds some mistletoe, so he is?allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of lady’s pants. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent?Christmas?” The bloke answers “They’re Carol’s.”

[2thousand8]

Noisy Reindeer
Santa and his reindeer need to be really quiet when they deliver presents so no one will know they are there.

One Christmas Eve when they landed on a roof top, there was a loud, "Snort, snort, sniff, honk, honk, sniff."

"Shhh," said Santa and he proceeded to get out of the sleigh.

Once again, louder this time, there was a "Snort, snort, sniff, honk, honk, sniff."

Dogs began to bark in the neighborhood. "Shhh," Santa said again, "Stop doing that."

He started to lift his sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, even louder. "SNORT, SNORT, SNIFF, HONK, HONK, SNIFF."

Lights came on all over the neighborhood. Some people opened their windows and stuck out their heads trying to see where the noise came from.

Horrified, Santa jumped back in the sled and flew off to the North Pole. When he got there, he lined up all the reindeer and said, "OK, we are not going to deliver any more presents until the reindeer who is trying to be funny by making those noises confesses and apologizes."

He waited. No reindeer came forward.

"I know who it is," said Santa. He held up a piece of paper. "I've written your name here and I will read it. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing,"

Still no reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer.

[2thousand8]

The Perfect Woman




Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect."

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

[2thousand8]

Christmas Gifts for Men




Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

[2thousand8]

Santa's A Woman




I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

[2thousand8]

The Christmas Flight

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

[2thousand8]

Desparate Measures

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Little Johnny

Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).

So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours Truly,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?

Signed,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

Signed,
You know who

[2thousand8]

Jesus is Better Than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did.Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too.He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.
Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa Claus!

[2thousand8]

The Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[bakylotus]

THE 2ND AFFAIR



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.


They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.


The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby
boy.


The joyful father rushed to the hospital to see his
newly borned son.


He was horrified at the ugliest baby he ever seen.


He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father
of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered. Have you been fooling around behind my
back?'


The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'No, not this time!'.

[ilovelife.now]

A woman went to a pet shop and found a parrot to be interesting. She asked the shopkeeper its price.

Suddenly the parrot shouted, "Sam don't send me with her she is a whore".

Sam, the owner was mightily pissed off and drowned the parrot in water for a while and asked her - "Will you call her a whore?"

Parrot said "Yes I will". And sam drowned the parrot for some more time and took it out, and it came gasping for breath.

"Will you call her a whore?" he thundered.

"No.. !!" gasped the parrot.

Sam took the parrot to the counter and told the lady - "Talk to him, he will not talk nonsense now".

The woman, curious in testing the parrot asked - "What will you say if I bring a guy to my home?"

"It would be your husband" said the parrot.

"And if I bring 2 guys?" and parrot replied - "Your husband and your brother".

"What about 3 guys?" "It will be your husband, your brother and your brother-in-law".

Interested in testing the parrot more, she asked - "4??". The parrot called out - "Sam, bring the water bucket. I told you she is a whore!!"

[Roman city]

One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked, "What are they doing?"

The Husband answers "They're roping"

"I see" replies the bride.

After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex, Again the
bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!"

She replies "Oh ,I see."

Finally they arrive at their hotel. They
washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others bodies.

The bride discovers her husbands penis. "Whats is that?"

"Thats is my rope." he answers.

She slides her hand down a little further and gasps, "Whats are those?"

"They are my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says
"Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband asked "Whats the matter honey?"

The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

[beary]

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

[beary]

Santa Claus, Inc.
North Pole

Dear _____________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming; and the Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Movement, and those dumb-ass Polacks have scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

SANTA

[beary]

This guy always wanted to marry a fat woman. So one day he was driving down the road and saw a fat gal on a John Deere tractor and wrecked his car. He was madly in love, he begged her to marry him and she said yes if he would eat her pussy and of course he was delighted.

She pulled down her pants and rolled that big fat sweaty ass up into the tire rim. He commenced to eatin that thang and she rolled up on one haunch and let a big old boiled egg fart out and he pulled his head up as if in disgust and then dived back in, again she rolled up and gave him a double dose of boiled egg fart at the same time she gets her rocks off. sweat was rolling off both of them and she stunk like dead fish and she said she would marry him but wanted to know how in hell he could he stand it.

He said honey I couldn't have made it with those two breaths of fresh air you gave me.

[bakylotus]

THE 3RD AFFAIR


A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about
to be cremated, and made a startling
discovery. Bob had the largest private
part he had ever seen.

'I'm sorry, Mr. Bob', the mortician commented,
'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity'.

So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase
and brought it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe',
he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God', exclaimed the wife. 'Bob is dead'.

[seesaw]

10 Things You Should Never Do On the Internet


Never trust anyone who goes for a potty break and never takes more than 30 seconds!

Never trust anyone who starts a conversation with the words "I AM a woman!!!!! Are you?"

Never trust someone who brags that they can remove a woman's bra in just under a minute! Any self-respecting dyke can do it MUCH faster than that!

Never trust anyone who begs for cyber sex, especially if they use the phrase "blue ovaries"!

Never give out your home phone number to someone who tells you "You might as well...I can find it anyway!"

Never join a chat room where the topic is "All Lesbians! Men welcome!" or "The channel for lesbians....and the men who love them"!

Never trust anyone who misspells the word "lesbian" or "dyke"! If they don't know if they are a woman loving woman or a water dam, they need more help than you can give them!

Never have cyber sex with anyone who begins by asking "Ok. Where do I start?"

Never have cyber sex with anyone who says "I've never done this before, but I'm really curious about what it's really like to be with another woman. Will you teach me?"

Never start a serious cyber relationship with someone who's nickname is "quickie"!

[seesaw]

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,” I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.

The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, “If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

[seesaw]

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning before breakfast. They were really into it, even performing oral sex on each other.

I'm still trying to understand just why the husband went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after breakfast.

Q: Why were lesbians created?
A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The little swallow.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her till 12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the dicks off of the dumb ones.

Q) Did you hear about the inventive woman who wired up her vibrator to her bedside radio?
A) She came up with the world's first radio alarm cock!

[seesaw]

Why a Christmas tree is better than a man!

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

[2thousand8]

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[2thousand8]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[2thousand8]

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

[2thousand8]

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

[2thousand8]

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson

Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.

He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

[2thousand8]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."

[2thousand8]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."

[2thousand8]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[2thousand8]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[2thousand8]

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

[Roman city]

Two boys walk into a field where a lake sits in the middle. They see a naked woman swimming in there, and one immediatly runs in the other direction.

The second boy runs after him and asks," Why did you run away?"

The first boy replies, "My mom tells me if I see a naked woman, I will turn into stone, and I felt something getting hard."

[bakylotus]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something
I must confess'.

'There's no need to', his wife replied.

'No', he insisted, 'I want to die in peace, I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend
and your mother!'.

'I know', she replied, 'Now just rest and let the
poison work'.

[Thailord]

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you," he said simply.

"Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy." :D:D

[Thailord]

Yet another blonde joke....

A blonde woman was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.

The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''

''Melons,'' the blonde replies.

''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''

The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.'' :D

[beary]

10 Rules for Men

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.

9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other!!!!!!!


Sincerely,
Tiger Woods

[beary]

One day Little Johnny went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. Little Johnny went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. Little Johnny asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pullet."

Little Johnny got confused, and asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pullet is a female chicken."

Little Johnny said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm. A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale.

He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was. The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars." Little Johnny replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard." The man just said, "That's an ass."

Little Johnny, new to these terms, just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey. As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."

So Little Johnny is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So Little Johnny starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful woman walks up and asks him if he needs help.

Little Johnny thinks, hey, why don't I try to impress this beautiful woman by using my new terms that I learned today. So Little Johnny turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

[steve]

Thanks for sharing guys !

Just made this boring halfday at work more entertaining :)

[Roman city]

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone.

Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said, "It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'what will be
the name of our baby?', that will scare them off." So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and,little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders . . . she stopped him and asked him about the baby's name, he ran off.

Later on another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, tied it in a knot and said, "If he gets out of this one . . . David Copperfield!"

[cutepig]

One man calls emergency:" Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"

After five minutes,

the same man calls back:"It is OK, I found another one. "

[cutepig]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

[cutepig]

Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always competing.

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"

[cutepig]

Human Equation

Mom + Dad - Rubber = U

[cutepig]

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. Cover me I'm going in.

[cutepig]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[Roaring Tiger]

bros,
thanks everyone here four sharing their jokes here.
it is sure relaxing to come into this thread.

[cutepig]

One day, back in the olden days, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.
The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing.
The Indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.
A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.
The cowboy asked what he was doing this time.
The Indian said, "Me wind-um watch."

[cutepig]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies “It’s just great, ever since we got into S and M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”.

[cutepig]

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.


But first I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

[cutepig]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

[seesaw]

The Postman

On a snowy day in mid-December, a mailman was out on his regular route.

When he arrived at one particular house, a very attractive woman opened the door and greeted him. "My, you look cold out there. How would you like to come in for a nice, hot cup of coffee?"

"I'd love to..." he said, and so he went inside.

After having coffee and talking for awhile, the woman stood up and began walking toward the bedroom. As she walked, she looked back and motioned for him to follow.

Being the gentleman he was, he was not about to insult his host by turning down such an offer. He followed her into the bedroom and...

As he was about to leave and continue his rounds, the woman stopped him and handed him a crisp one-dollar bill.
With a puzzled look on his face, he stared down at the bill and asked, "What's this for?"

"Well", she said, "This morning my husband and I were discussing Christmas and what kinds of gifts we should give to our friends and neighbors. When I asked him what I should give the mailman, he laughed and said, 'Screw him! Give him a dollar!'"

[seesaw]

The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane.

He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress.

She stops him once, twice and three times.

He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"

[seesaw]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?

[bakylotus]

THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a couple celebrated their 25th
marriage anniversary. They had become famous in
the city for not having any conflict in their 25 years
of marriage. Local newspaper editors had gathered
at the occasion to find out the secret of their trouble-
free long relationship.

Editor: 'Sir, its amazingly unbelievable. How did you all
make it possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said, 'We
were honeymooning in Shimla after our marriage and
were at a stables to pick our mounts to go horse riding.
My horse was quite okay but my wife seem to have picked
a crazy one. One the way ahead, my wife's horse jumped
and she felled to the ground.

She picked herself up, patted the horse on the head and
said, 'This is your first time'. She again climbed onto the
horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. Again she kept calm, got up and said to the horse,
'This is your second time', and continued to ride.

When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took
out the revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at my wife, 'Why did you do that, you psycho. You
just killed the poor animal like that, you crazy!'.

She gave a silent look and said, 'This is your first time'.

The husband said, 'That's it, we are happy ever after'.

[birdie8819]

A young man was at a pool party for young adults. He dove into the pool and was startled when his swimsuit came off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging 8 inch hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

[birdie8819]

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.

At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.

He sat there happily for a couple of hours flirting with some of the ladies. He was led to a spare room by one lady where they had sex. When he came back to the bar a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."

The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

[birdie8819]

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why."

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating bitch!"

[Roman city]

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
"He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let
him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand
between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to
get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old
lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[SonofHeaven]

Thank you for sharing!!

[sexluver1314]

Happy New Year. Thanks for sharing:p

[Cum_Luver]

Money not enough

This happened in England and with 2 broke (Alan and Bryan). Both of them wanted a drink very much but no matter how many times they went through their pockets they only had 2pounds put together. (In England, it takes about 3pounds for a beer).

Alan came up with a brilliant idea and told Bryan " DON'T WORRY WE WILL GET DEAD DRUNK TONIGHT!!!!!" So Alan went to supermarket and told the folks there " GIVE ME THE LONGEST SUASAGE THAT 2 POUNDS CAN GET ME!" and they proceeded to the first pub in the pub Street of London.

When they were about to their first drink. Alan took out suasage and put it into his groin area. He then unzip his pants and asked Bryan to suck it. The bartender saw the sucking action between the 2 man and thrown them out of the pub. Bryan told Alan " YOUR PLAN IS THE BEST!!!" NOW WE GET TO DRINK FOR FREE!!!"

Both men went down the pub street going through at least 15 pubs doing the same act and getting the same treatment from the bartenders.

After the 15th pub, Bryan said " I AM A GONER! YOU HAVE THE BEST PLAN. ME SUCKING THE SUASAGE YOU BOUGHT! I NEVER HAD SOO MUCH FUN WITHOUT PAYING ANY MONEY!!!"

Alan whose also drunk replied "ME TOO! I NEVER FELT SO GOOD IN MY LIFE BEING DRUNK AND THE BEST PART IS THAT I LOST THE SUASAGE SOMEWHERE IN THE BEGINING AND WE COULD STILL HAVE DRINKS FOR FREE!"

http://i884.photobucket.com/albums/ac46/TikoClub/avatars/drunk.gif

[y291252001]

Happy New Year!!! Here are some interesting condom advertisments. Pardon me if they've been posted before....

http://media.divinecaroline.com/ext/article_images2/condom/durex_0.preview.jpg

[seesaw]

The world according to men

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

[seesaw]

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His dick was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

[ilovelife.now]

Ba Ba Bastard have you any kids?

Yes Sir, Yes Sir, 3 damn kids.
1 from my neighbour,
1 from my maid and
1 from the prostitute who never got paid!!

[ilovelife.now]

Smo-king
Drin-king
Lic-king
Suc-king and of course,
Fuck-king!

[Roman city]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class . . . and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absoultely straight-faced, answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[cutepig]

Hi all. I am new here and there is one thing I dont understand. I shared a joke here but i got my points deducted. Why? I didnt see any rules for the jokes that is to be shared. Im sure I followed the rules for making a post. This is so weird.

[bakylotus]

Its okay bro cutepig. Sometimes we come across a
samster that did not like the joke and deduct the
points. It happened to me and I'm sure quite a few
others too. Up you for your efforts!

[bakylotus]

ANOTHER MARRIAGE SECRET


A friend mentioned the secret to his 52 years
of marriage, so I asked him to spill it. 'We never
go to sleep angry', he replied.

'That's a great philosophy', I answered.

'Yes', he agreed and continued, 'the longest we've
been awake is five days!'.

[LostControl]

So many funny jokes here. :)

[cutepig]

It happened to me and I'm sure quite a few
others too. Up you for your efforts! Thank you!

[beary]

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

[beary]

A married man walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all he wants for Christmas is for his wife to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give him a bottle of pills. He tells him to give them a try and then let him know how they work.

So he takes the pills home and puts one pill in her Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for an hour. The next day, he's so thrilled! "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," he thinks to himself.

That night he puts two pills in her food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, he's even more thrilled, so he dumps all the pills in her food.

Two weeks go by without a word from this man, so Santa decides to give him a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your dad home?"

"No, he's...who's this?" the little boy asks.

"I'm a friend of your dad's and I gave him some pills to help him out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you something -- Dad's lying on the ground holding his groin, the UPS man won't deliver Christmas presents to our house, and Mom's stalking the produce man at the grocery store!'

[Babooshka]

A Punjabi lawyer working abroad wrote to his wife...

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please manage somehow.

Your loving husband,
JITA

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses.

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand...
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

[Ahbeng69]

However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absoultely straight-faced, answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

this is funny bro. thanks:p

[Babooshka]

An important senator arranged to use an escort service and ended up with a beautiful Japanese girl who speaks no english. They go into his hotel room and started having sex and she got into it like there's no tomorrow! She started yelling the same japanese word over and over and making faces and the senator can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good at his old age.

The next morning, he's golfing with the japanese ambassador, and he made a birdie. He suddenly remembered the word that the Japanese woman kept yelling out loud the night before, and he yelled it out....

The ambassador looks at him strangely, looked at the pin, and said to him, "No, that was the right hole."

[Babooshka]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3 and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night. The ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

[Babooshka]

A man is sitting alone, pounding back drinks at the local bar. Along comes a beautiful woman that sits down beside him. He turns to her and says “Hey, how bout it? You and me, gettin’ it on. I’ve got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money.” She stands up and says, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

[Babooshka]

Intoxicated Woman Joke

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”

She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”

[Thailord]

A final night together....

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her: "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again: "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest! One of us has to get up in the morning!"

[Thailord]

The dumbest wife....

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and we don't even have a garage."

The second guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."

The third guy says, "Oh, yeah? My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick!"

[ilovelife.now]

The maid was giving head to the owner and Little Johnny walked in. Curiuos, he asked her- "What are you doing?"

Maid said - "Um.. I am cleaning it for your mother!" and little johnny was satisfied and left.

In the evening, after their dinner when they were about to sleep, Little Johnny's mother went to take shower. When she came out, Little Johnny asked her - "Mom, why do you take shower every night?"

His mother told - "For your father, dear". And little johny said - "mom, dad couldn't clean his pee pee himself so the maid cleaned it with her mouth, just for you!" :D

[ilovelife.now]

A man and a woman were asleep naked like two innocent babies, Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'

The woman yelled back, "Yeah??? Then why were you running.... you Son of a Bitch !!"

And that folks.... that is how the fight started and is currently going for a divorce!

[bakylotus]

TIME TO GO

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to
fly out for a visit. 'No way am I getting on an
aeroplane', was the inevitable answer.

'Look Mom, if its your time to go, it doesn't matter
whether you're on the ground or in the air'.

'I know', said the mother. 'I just don't want to be
that far off the ground when it is the pilot's time
to go'.

[bakylotus]

CHROMOSOMES


In lectures on human genetics, I explained to my
college students that males determine the sex of
an offspring by contributing either a X or Y
chromosomes. So at the end of the year, I put it
on the final examination, 'How is the sex of a child
determined?'.

One student wrote, 'By examining it at birth'.

[sexluver1314]

Keep it up bro. It brighten my day:D

[Roman city]

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused.

He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what
the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place.

[Thailord]

Making Small Talk

Two men were seated next to each other on a plane when the first man turned to his seatmate and said: "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

"What would you like to discuss?" the second man asked.

"Oh, I don't know," said the first man: "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," the second man replied: "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first man: "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said the second man: "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
:D

[Thailord]

Default
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!

She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!

She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"
:D

[Thailord]

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" :D

[Thailord]

A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a question on the final exam.

The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience. Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He wrote:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius friend who lived overseas.

[Thailord]

Indian Version

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give meLiberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

[Thailord]

Another one
Johnny goes to the teacher and says he's too smart for third grade, and should be sent to fourth grade. Teacher takes him to the principal, and says she wants to take a test.
Principal says, ok, go ahead.
Teacher: what does a cow have four of, that I have only two of?
Johnny:legs.
Teacher: whats in your pants that starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'S' and I dont have it?
Johnny: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T' and is hairy, oval, and juicy and you lick its sweet juice?
Johnny: Coconut.
Teacher: What is it that a lady does sitting down, a guy does standing up, and a dog does on three feet?
Johnny: Shake hands.
Teacher: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man
can't get it he uses his hands?
Johhny: Fork
The teacher turns to the Principal and says, he is fit for fourth grade, what do you think?
The principal says, he is fit for fifth grade, I did not know the right answer to any of them myself.

[Thailord]

A man suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he hired a famous Japanese detective Dr. Yogosaki Hiroshima.

He told him to keep an eye on his wife and see what she does the whole week and report back to him.

A week later the man recieves this report from the chinese detective:

REPORT:
You leave house.
He come house.

He and she leave house.
I follow.

He and she get on train.
I follow.

He and she get off train.
I follow.

He and she go into hotel.
I climb tree, look in window.

He kiss she.
She kiss he.

He strip she.
She strip he.

He play with she.
She play with he.

I play with me.
Fall out of tree.

No see.

No fee.

[Thailord]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man went to the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was empty. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the young girl next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

[Thailord]

A guy is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
He sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So he decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES”

[bakylotus]

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with
Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady'.

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right
thing son'.

Son: 'But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's
lap'.






A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would
you have married me if my father hadn't
left me a fortune?'

'Honey', the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd
have married you, no matter who left you
a fortune!'.

[ilovelife.now]

Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a deserted island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.

“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”

“Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”

[seesaw]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[birdie8819]

The Truth Behind Men's Phrases


"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."


"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."


"I need you."
"My hand is tired."


"I am different from all the other guys."
"I am not circumcised."


"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."


"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."


"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."


"It's just orange juice, try it."
"Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."


"She's kinda cute."
"I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."


"I don't know if I like her."
"She won't sleep with me."


"I miss you so much."
"I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."


"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."


"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"


"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"


"Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."


"Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."


"How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."


"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."


"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."


"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."


"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."


"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!!!!"


"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

[birdie8819]

There Are Four Kinds Of Sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


*****************

There are these two gay men, named Gilbert and Brian, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light.

All of a sudden a big semi-trailer comes crunching through the back of their car!

Gilbert and Brian were really pissed!

Gilbert says to Brian to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.

So Brian gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!

"You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Brian. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!"

"Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver.

This prompted Brian to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Gilbert.

"I think he wants to settle out of court, Gilbert."

[Roman city]

Clearly Defined

Anal Boot [n] - An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the
mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.

Australian Death Grip [n] - The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars.
Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.

Beef Curtain [n] - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (aka Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon
Sandwich).

Blocking the Box [n] - When you and your pal are
double-teaming a chick - he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

Chocolate Cha-Cha [n] - Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: "John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night." (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilizing the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye )

Consolation Prize [n] - When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.

Cum Dumpster [n] - Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence she is full of cum.

DDF [n] - Distance Distortion Factor - refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection - "good from far, far from good". Used in a sentence: "Woah, she's hot... wait a sec...ugggh major DDF!"

Fugly [n] - Fucking Ugly. Used in a sentence: "Damn that bitch was fugly!"

Fumilingus [v, n] - When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.

Game of Smiles [n] - This games involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who "smiles" has to buy a round of beer for the rest.

Going to the Bullpen [v] - The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of "paves the way".

Goobin [n] - One of the many wives had by an old-style Mormon who is not the main wife. The setup usually involves having your one "main" wife and the rest of your other wives who are strictly used for procreation. Hence "Goobin" - a bin for his goo. Used in a sentence: "Mary's one of John's goobins".

Jim Henson [v] - When you fist someone and physically lift them off the ground. (aka The Muppett, Ass Puppett, Meat Puppett)

Kennebunkport Surprise [n] - The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England Chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while chewing box.

Leave-in Conditioner [n] - Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman's hairdo at a public gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow the evidence

Matching Drapes [n] - Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic hair color matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do the curtains match the drapes?".

Mung [n, v] - Two people dig up the corpse of the recently deceased. One undresses the mungee and places his mouth over the labia. The other backs up and does a running jump onto the corpse's chest. The second person has to eat everything that enters his mouth. Insult, seen here in context: "I'm going to mung your grandmother!"

Paying the Rent [n] - A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.

Pencil Sharpener [n] - A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up something awful.

Reading the Defense [n] - The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading the Defense" refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments" as to not get caught cheating
later on a some point. Having Beer Goggles on makes it very hard to Read the Defense.

Rusty Trombone [n] - The process by which one person is tossing a guy's salad, and then reaches around and gives them a hand job.

San Diego Surprise [n] - The act of bringing a girl home and while fucking her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.

The Southern Trespass [n, v] - The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in
intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly
switches from the woman's vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.

Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v] - An expression for when you've just layed the pipe to some chick (usually fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of fucking Fat Fanny's loose gash.

Tossing Salad [n] - Licking another's anus. Done in prison as payment for drugs.

Twinkler [n, v] - When you are 69-ing with a hunee and she gags on your member and you can see her bung-hole pucker up.

Tupperware Party [n] - When three guys are triple-teaming a chick . . . one with his hog in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed air-tight.

Times Square Shuttle [n] - You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other. You then alternately fuck each of them while they chow each other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as necessary / possible. (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping Pong, The Gunga Din)

Valsalva [n] - The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward

[bonker1314]

I like this one. ha ha

Consolation Prize [n] - When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.

[Roman city]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love
another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[birdie8819]

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes, "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

[birdie8819]

Hunting

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia. When he was going back to his truck, a game warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack. "Three rabbits," Jed said.

The warden said, "Let me see one of those rabbits."

So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits. The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, "This is a Georgia rabbit."

Then the warden said, "Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."

So Jed showed him. Then the warden said, "Let me see another one of those rabbits." So Jed pulled out another rabbit.

Then the warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's bunghole, tasted it and said, "This is an Alabama rabbit. Let me see your Alabama huntin' license."

So Jed showed it to him. Then the Warden said, "Where you from boy?"

So Jed pulled his pants down and said, "You figure it out!"

[birdie8819]

List of possible slogans promoting national condom week

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go in heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her blouse, zip up your hose

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love

22. If you're gonna have it off, have it on

[birdie8819]

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my dick you're holding."

[birdie8819]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders


EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

SCREW THE SHRINKS... HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[birdie8819]

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.

Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse.

"I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.

Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

[birdie8819]

The world according to men

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

[birdie8819]

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.

She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.

She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."

The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.

It's a very natural process.

The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."

The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

[Ahbeng69]

Nice joke bro birdie, thanks for your bird drop:p

[ilovelife.now]

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

[ilovelife.now]

A woman was arrested for shop lifting when she went before the judge in Birmingham, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas with 1000 peas in it!"

[Roman city]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice
hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[birdie8819]

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.

"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."

At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.

Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.

All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

[birdie8819]

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

[birdie8819]

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!

[birdie8819]

My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes.

[birdie8819]

Men's Rules in life .......

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

[sexluver1314]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Roman city]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the
door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there's a bright flash - and his legs fall off.

[birdie8819]

A man purchased 16 meter cloth roll in wholesale. He got stitched 3 piece suit which consumed 3 meters and 13 meters cloth was remaining at home.

He went abroad wearing the suit.He went to toilet to pee . But when he came out of toilet , his tool was hanging out .

After seeing his tool hanging out, ladies were in awkward position , few ladies smiled at him.

The man thought he is looking very smart & handsome in the 3 piece suit , that is why the ladies are getting attracted to him.

To one of the Ladies he replied " Madam this is only 3 meters remaining 13 meters is in India."

[birdie8819]

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree.

He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down.

The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down."

So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."

"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."

"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.

"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

[birdie8819]

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son" he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy".

The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up".

[ah rat]

Chinese + English = Chinglish

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.

This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple
saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5
with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab
at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven.Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 ,tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

[fishyprawn]

NIce thread... Bookmarked :)

[BT8888]

Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands of moneys at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts.

The man further announced that he would now buy at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.'

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

[BT8888]

One day, the boss of a MNC told his secretary, ‘Two days later, accompany me to Beijing.’

The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Two days later, I'll be going to Beijing for a meeting.’

The husband called his secret lover and said, ‘For the next few days, my wife will be out of town. Baby, come to my place. We’ve fun.’

The secret lover called her primary school student and said, ‘Ah boy, for the next two to four days, I’m busy. You may enjoy your holiday.’

The student called his grandfather and said, ‘Ah Kong, my tuition teacher took off and I’ve two days holiday. Can you come and play with me?’

The grandfather called his secretary and said, ‘Cancel the trip to Beijing. I’ve to play with my grandson.’

The secretary called his husband and said, ‘Beijing's meeting has cancelled.'

Her husband called his secret lover and said, ‘My wife’ business trip to Beijing has cancelled. You don't have to come to my place.’

The secret lover called his student and said, ‘Ah Boy. Class not cancel.’

The student called his grandpa, ‘Ah Kong, my teacher just called and she said class not cancel. So, you don’t have to come.’

The Grandfather called his secretary again and said, ‘I think it’s a wise idea to go Beijing…’

[ilovelife.now]

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house.
Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic?
Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.

[ilovelife.now]

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[ilovelife.now]

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. A carpenter was engaged - after the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."


Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you." "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." "I want you." So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." :D

[Roman city]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

[travelmate111]

nice thread:p

[bakylotus]

HANGING


'Where is everybody?' the cowpoke asked.

'They have all gone to see Brown Paper Pete
hang', says a bystander.

'Why do they call him that?' the cowboy asked.

'Well, he always wear a brown paper hat, a brown
paper shirt and brown paper trousers'.

'Really?' says the cowboy. 'And what are they
hanging him for?'

'Rustling'.

[bakylotus]

MOVING ON


When our school librarian announced she was changing
schools, my fellow teacher asked a student, 'Why do
you think Ms. Richardson is leaving?'

The third grade opined, 'Because she has read all our
books?'

[birdie8819]

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English.

One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!"

"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"

"Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

[birdie8819]

Q & A

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
Douche with beer.

Why is sex is like software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
The penis.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What's the definition of a vicious circle?
A pussy with teeth.

How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

How do you get a woman off during sex?
Push her.


*************

Excuses

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

[birdie8819]

An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he's exhausted.

After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!

The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The CEO turns to him and says, "What do mean, wrong hole?"

[birdie8819]

Best Joke of The Day


A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response.

"That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going o get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

[sexluver1314]

Death in the Holy Land

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[ilovelife.now]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[ilovelife.now]

Question. What is the similarity between burnt toast and pregnant girlfriend?

Answer. In both cases the guy thinks, "How great it would have been if I had I took it off 2 seconds before!".