Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[sammyboyfor]

Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
................

[bakylotus]

ALLOW ME TO CONTRIBUTE THE FIRST JOKE: THE TEXAN

A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm clear
afternoon in Chicago. When the bus stopped, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg enough
to step onto the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
it would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, for the 2nd time attempted
the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raised her leg.
With another little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and
yelled, 'How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who
you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well Ma'am, normally I would
agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured we were friends'.

[bakylotus]

JUST FOR LAUGHS


Two men met while both were looking for their wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5'7', 36-24-36, Fair, Blue Eyes, What about yours?
1st: Forget mine, let's look for yours!

What is the definition of MISTRESS?
Someone between the MISTER and the MATRESS.

Son asked Dad the difference between Confident and Confidential.
Dad says, You are my son, I'm confident, your friend is also
my son, that's confidential.

Mother to teenage daughter: I think it is the right time we
talk about sex.
Daughter excitingly: Sure Mum, tell me what you what to know.
Mother faints!

Man comes home, finds his wife and his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, If you behave like this, you will lose all your
friends.

[profane]

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

[profane]

Why I Love Her

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

[profane]

Where Babies Come From

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

[konnects]

Layoffs are Tough

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, $$$$$ and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both $$$$$ and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, $$$$$ gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "$$$$$, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

$$$$$ says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

[konnects]

Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What''s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did god say after creating man?

I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?

A man''s undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don''t mind their own business?

1. No mind.

2. No business.

Did you hear about the banker who''s a great lover?

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant....

abortions would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?

Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man''s view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did god create man?

Because a vibrator can''t mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn''t hump women''s legs at cocktail parties.

[konnects]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

[konnects]

A little boy asked his father

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[konnects]

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[bakylotus]

THE DRUNK AND THE BLONDE

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blonde
a few seats away from him. A fellow at the other end of the
bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills a mug and slides
it down the bar.

The glass hits the blonde's breasts and spills the beer all
over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and
licks the beer off her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk
jumps up and also lick her breasts. She floors him!

He's lying on the floor groaning and moaning. 'How come you
let the bartender do it?' he asked the blonde.

She answers, 'Because he's got a licker (liquor) licence!

[roastduck]

Bullshit Session

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch."

[roastduck]

WHAT SIZE?

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him...
Sales girl: "Can I help you, Sir?"
Young man: "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
Sales girl: "What size do you need, Sir?"
Young man: "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."
Sales girl: "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:

"Give me a SMALL one..."
"Wait! Make it MEDIUM..."
"Wait! Make it LARGE..."
"Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

[roastduck]

Now THIS is drunk...

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[roastduck]

BEFORE AND AFTER

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[roastduck]

20 YEAR DREAM

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.

"You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

[roastduck]

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: ’Easy ... I didn’t feel a thing."

[ANDYSIAO14]

early morning teaser....great :) :)

[evans69]

PLAYING AROUND

A man was stranded in the desert for 10 years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar?"


The man said: "Lady, I ain't smoked in 10 years."


So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said: "Would you like a drink?"


The man said: "Lady, I ain't drank in 10 years."


So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said: "Would you like to play around?"


The man said with astonishment: "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!"

[evans69]

THE DOG THAT GETS YOU INTO THE BAR

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a bar nearby and walk up to it.
Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do but with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alright mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "What they gave me a chihuahua!?"

[evans69]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.


One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


"Miss Beatrice," he said: "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[ossy77]

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors.

The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."

"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."


If anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

If anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.
"Oh,quite good" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I had sex with practically every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl....... my room key."


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer


Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5.. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming!

I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took out his wallet to pay the fare, his passport-size photograph accidentally fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's long sari. He asked her "Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take photograph"
He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition.
Ah Seng explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. "Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have grown up daughters?"
The Owner asked, "Why?"
Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[bakylotus]

IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL
HUMOUR ONCE IN A WHILE

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A: Ruthless

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah, he was floating his stock while everyone
else was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharoah's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson, he brought the whole house down

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children that he
no longer live in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of the house and home.

Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A: Moses, he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter in the Bible?
A; David, he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

PS: Did you know that it is a sin for woman to brew coffee?
Yup, its in the Bible. It says, He-brews.

KEEP SMILING. GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES.

[beary]

Dirty Johnny was in grade three. The teacher was discussing weather science. She asked the class if anyone knew what was on top a weather vane. Only Johnny raised his hand.

She didn't want to ask him because she knew he would think of something "dirty" to say. However, he WAS the only kid with a raised arm. So, she acknowledged him. "Johnny, what is on top of a weather vane?" she asked.

"A cock," Johnny replied.

"Very good," the teacher cringed. "And, Johnny, do you know why there is a cock on top of a weather vane?"

"Yeah, sure," Johnny said. "`cause if it were a cunt, the wind would blow right through it!"

[beary]

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

[beary]

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.

"Well," she laughed,

"Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"


==========


How can you tell your daughter's being abused at her day-care center?
You hand her a broom and she straddles it.

How can you tell your son's being abused at his day-care center?
He won't use a pacifier unless it's got hair on it


============================


A heckler asks an overweight comedian "How come you are so fat?" The comedian replies

Well, every time I screwed your mother, she gave me a biscuit."


============


Mary: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.

Jill: What makes you think so?

Mary: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up
and headed for the bedroom.

Jill: So?

Mary: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?"

And he asked, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"

[beary]

Yo mama's so nasty



Yo mama's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.

Yo mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!

Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."

Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.

Yo mama's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.

Yo mama's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.

Yo mama's so nasty, she breeds crabs.

Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign over her pussy that says "Crabs: All U Can Eat"

Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said whats for dinner, yo mama jumped up on the table, spread her legs, and said "crabs!"

Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said what's for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"

Yo mama's so nasty, she's got more clap than an auditorium.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."

Yo mama's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head.

Yo mama's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down.

Yo mama's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.

Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Yo mama's so nasty, her tits give sour milk.

Yo mama's so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.

Yo mama's so nasty, when someone asked her what she was going to eat,
she spread her legs and pointed down.

Yo mama's so nasty, she bought her boyfriend kneepads for Christmas.

Yo mama's so nasty, she had sex with a woman and got pregnant.

Yo mama's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.

Yo mama's so nasty, a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.

Yo mama's so stank, the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant.

Yo mama's so stank, even dogs won't sniff her crotch.

Yo mama smells like the Flash's nuts after a hard day of runnin'.

Yo mama's so stank, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.

Yo mama smells so bad her Sure deodorant is confused and her Secret told on her.

Yo mama's so stank, she made her Right Guard call for backup.

Yo mama's so stank, she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.

Yo mama's so stank, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.

Yo mama's so stank, a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"

Yo mama's so stank, when she spreads her legs I get sea sick.

Yo mama's so stank, she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.

Yo mama smells like hot ass on a cold day.

Yo mama's so stank, every time she opens her mouth she's talking shit.

Yo mama's so stank, that her shit is glad to escape.

Yo mama's so stank, she's like Shaquille O'Neal, she don't fake the funk!!

Yo mama's so stank, next to her a skunk smells sweet.

Yo mama's so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.

Yo mama's so skanky, she stuck in a cucumber and pulled out a pickle.

Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in but they don't check out.

[seesaw]

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"

[seesaw]

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It's free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"

14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.

[seesaw]

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.


Q.What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

What do you call the art of erotic paper folding?
Origasmi

Streetwalker’s slogan: It's a business to do pleasure with you.

Q. How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
A. Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:"Y2K-Y Jelly :

When you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"

Q: What's the difference between rooting a girl with arms and rooting a girl with no arms?
A: If you're rooting a girl with no arms and your dick slips out, you have to put it back all by yourself.

Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: What's the best thing about dating a blonde?
A: She shuts up the second you put your dick back in her mouth.

Q: Do you know why they named it the "wonder bra?"
A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

[seesaw]

Questions About Childbirth

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, But pressure. Is she right?

Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is In labor?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.

[seesaw]

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house.

Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"

She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

[seesaw]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:



40-ish................................49

Adventurous......................Slept with everyone

Athletic..............................No tits

Average looking.................Ugly

Beautiful............................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure.............On medication

Feminist.............................Fat

Free spirit..........................Junkie

Friendship first...................Former slut

Fun...................................Annoying

New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned....................No BJs

Open-minded.....................Desperate

Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate.........................Sloppy drunk

Professional.......................Bitch

Voluptuous........................Very Fat

Large frame.......................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate................Stalker





WOMEN'S ENGLISH:



1. Yes = No.

2. No = Yes.

3. Maybe = No.

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not.

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think

about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:



1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you!

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

[seesaw]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs *******(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow ********(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U ***************(What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. *******(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[konnects]

Life's Observations

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

[konnects]

George W Bush meets Moses!

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

[konnects]

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

[konnects]

Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

[konnects]

Little Johnny & April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[konnects]

How to resign in style

There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter...
(An actual letter sent by a fed up US employee in Port Huncliff, New England)

Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.

I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new Mac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. Ib elieve that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*ck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,

Ted Brewer

[beary]

Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th Anniversary. All 25 years Bill has kept a large box under his side of the bed. He asked Hillary never to look in his box, and so she obeyed. But, on the morning of their 25th, she couldn`t stand the suspense any longer. She opened the box and there were three empty beer cans and $1800 cash. She closed the box and put it back.


At dinner, she looks to Bill and says, "Bill, I never looked in your box all 25 years, but I had to look today. The suspense was killing me. Though, I`m confused. Why three beer cans and $1800?"


He looks at her a few moments then tells her. "Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I kept an empty beer can."


Hillary still looks puzzled." Ok Bill, I know the three times you were unfaithful. I`m hurt but that`s over with, But why $1800?"


Bill says," Well, every time the box got full, I went to recycling and kept the money."

[beary]

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use `big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words."

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a Train. Use big people words."

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,

"Winnie The Shit."


__________________


A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

[beary]

If men wrote the Dear Abby column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[beary]

In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the parents.

The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you can lead to embarrassing misstatements.

To help you avoid some of the most common conversational pitfalls I've compiled a list of the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time:


10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out here! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.


And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend's parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

[nicole_luv]

have anyone been to FML.com? there's alot of lame and funny stuff there.
i gonna show you 1 one of it,which i find it funny.



Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. :D

[bakylotus]

My wife asked me this morning, 'Whacha doing today?'

I said, 'Nothing'.

She said, 'That's what you did yesterday'.

I said, 'I wasn't finished'.

[roastduck]

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they’d heard last night was.

He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.

So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

[roastduck]

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t.

After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

[roastduck]

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I’m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I’m celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I’m a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[roastduck]

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

[roastduck]

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition.

[roastduck]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

[bakylotus]

SEX TYPES


Retirement Sex
Two senior citizens were talking, 'So, how's your sex life?'
The other answered, 'Oh, nothing, I'm having pension sex.
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on'.


Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, Doctor, everytime we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell'.
'My dear, thats completely natural, I don't see what the
problem is'.
'The problem is', she complained, 'it wakes me up'.


Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a lovemaking session, 'How come you
never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home'.


Confounded Sex
A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him modern medicine
would give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small', $6,500
for 'medium' and $14,000 for 'large'.
The man was sure he would want a 'medium' or 'large', but the
doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
made any decisions. The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options. The doctor came back into the room
and found the man dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She would rather remodel the kitchen'.


Wedding Anniversary Sex
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary and the husband yelled, 'When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'HERE LIES MY WIFE,
COLD AS EVER'.
'Yeah', she replied, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: HERE LIES MY HUSBAND, STIFF AT LAST'.


Elderly Sex
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became
violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of the 20th
floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked
her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, 'Yes, Your Honour, I figured that at 92 if
he could have sex, he could also fly'.

[birdie8819]

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.

He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.

He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator.

He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."

Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.

The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"

Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.

She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives.

He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".

He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically.

At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.

Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

[birdie8819]

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

- When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.

[birdie8819]

Q) What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?
A) In both cases, you really don't want to look down.


***********

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

[birdie8819]

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills.

They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.

He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby.

About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.

The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter.

He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end off."

[birdie8819]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'Cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
And brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

Amen.

[birdie8819]

Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
If it were more, it would be Hell.


********************

Reasons Why Women Are Like Football (Soccer) Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week

[birdie8819]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.

[birdie8819]

I doubt anyone dare to do this . :p




ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,

[birdie8819]

Q)Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread ?
A) Because they are both turned down at night


*************

Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

1 Don't call, ever.

2 If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3 Lie.

4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"

6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?

8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11 Lie

12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22 Say things like "Wha...?"

23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24 Lie.

25 Deny everything. Everything.

26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." (ripped off from George Castanza)

27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28 Don't have a clue.

29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30 No means yes.

31 Yes means no.

32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35 Feelings? What feelings?

36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38 Lie I tell you!!

39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42 Lie.

43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.

44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45 Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

46 Lie.

47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52 Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54 Lie.

55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

59 You are male, therefore you are superior.

60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

62 Don't ever notice anything.

63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

66 Lie.

67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.

73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

77 Lie.

78 General Rule: Different is BAD.

79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

83 Lie.

84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."

86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)

87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

89 Practice your blank stare.

90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.

95 Beer. Then more beer.

96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97 One word: FOOTBALL!

98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

100 LIE

[birdie8819]

One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"


****************


"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"

"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.

"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.

"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."

"Oh, really?"

"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

[birdie8819]

Q)Why does it take woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares??


**********


Rhyming Sex Terms

WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest

DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth

FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

[birdie8819]

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so bad in bed
That I fucked your Alsation

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap

Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Gimmie a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

[birdie8819]

Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work.

Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why
they hadn't parented a black baby.

Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your wanker at least a foot long?"

John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?"

Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"

[birdie8819]

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.

[birdie8819]

Dating Different Type of Girls

Here's a summary about what you should expect when dating with chicks from different races.


Chinese Meimei

First Date
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second Date
You buy her an even more expensive dinner.
Again, Nothing Happens!

Third Date
You usually don't get up to third date because you should be smart enough to realize that nothing is ever going to happen unless you provide the 5'Cs…


INDIAN MINACHI

First Date
Meet her parents.

Second Date
Set the date of the wedding.

Third Date
Wedding night.


MALAY MINAH

First Date
You get to blow her a good nite kiss after a date and
Hold her hand.

Second Date
You get to hug her and make out a bit.

Third Date
Set a wedding date & get married.
She moves in. One week later, her father, her 4 mother,
Her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids, her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother, her 268 cousins all move in.

But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)


WHITE MARY

First Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

Second Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary
You both get drunk and have sex.


ARAB AL-KATIJAH

First Date
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date
You are shot dead.

Third date
Not Applicable

[birdie8819]

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

[birdie8819]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support

[balidubai]

Ugliest Partner

An American moves to this remote town in the Scottish highlands. On his first night there he goes out to the local pub and after a few pints he notices that there are no women around. He asks these two guys next to him where to find the women in town.

One of the Scotsman says, "Really aren't any women in town that aren't married."

The American finds this news disturbing and asks, "Well what do you do for fun?"

The other Scotsman says, "We usually go down to the pasture and find a sheep to fuck."

The American is horrified and leaves the pub. After a couple years in town he begins to crack. He goes back to the pub and finds the same two Scotsmen.

He says, "I'm fucking losing it. I need some sex. Tonight when you guys go down to the pasture take me with you."

So they head down to the pasture a the Scots say, "Since you've never done this before we'll let you go first."

The American grabs the first sheep he can get his hands on and starts fucking away. The two Scotsmen are double over with laughter.

The American says, "Hey! Why are you laughing? I thought you guys did this all the time."

The Scotsmen say, "We do! But you chose the ugliest one!"

[balidubai]

Lost Husband

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated, so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here licketysplit."

"No, no, no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the ass, grab-a the tits...but he no lickety split!"

[balidubai]

No Underpants

An American lady on vacation in Scotland is visiting a Scottish castle.

There are these Scottish guards everywhere all decked out in their Scottish uniforms outfitted with the traditional Scottish kilt.

Her curiosity was killing her and she was just not going to make the trip all the way from the USA without asking the proverbial question.

A bit nervous she goes up to one and blurts out, "Excuse me Sir, but is their any truth to the story that you don't wear any underpants under your kilt?"

He answers, "Well, Ma'am, why don't you put your hand up underneath and see for yourself?"

So she does, and screams out, "Oh good heavens, its gruesome!"

The guard replies, "Why don't you try again, Ma'am?"

And she obliges. "Oh, God damn, its gruesome more!"

[balidubai]

Bullshit Session

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"I can't believe you mate" the Aussie remarked.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch man, they stretch."

[ah rat]

Don't let the PM see this or he will include it in the Budget!

NEW TAX CODE

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there
penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a
corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective January 1, 2010, penises will be taxed according to
size. The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-9" Pole Tax

6"-7" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone
under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

[seesaw]

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit................................. Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!

[konnects]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

[konnects]

The Money Sex

In a bar people were once playing cards then suddenly one guy dropped once of his card under the table so he went down to get it. As he looked up under the tabe he saw one of the girls who was playing with him haden't got any underwear on; just a mini skirt!

He was tempted to touch as suddenly there threw a note down to him that said 'See anything u like, when we take a 30 minute break follow me if you do... we are gonna get naughty under the covers big boy'

At the 30 minute break they had SEX and went back to the bar to finish the game.

Turned out that that guy won so everyone gave him money exept for that girl. The man asked for it but the girl said "I already gave you what you wanted tonight" and went past tickling his ass!

[konnects]

Dying of thirst

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you have sex with me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then have sex with you."

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. He and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "Well, let's do it!"

The man agrees to start but only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, uses it on her and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "The hell with the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[konnects]

Obstetrician Visit

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[konnects]

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

[konnects]

Tell the difference

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

[bakylotus]

Q & As

Q: What 3 things are common between the sun
and womens' underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while
going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in
marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on earth who looks for
problems in a place where most people find pleasure.

Doctor: 'You look so weak and exhausted. Are you
having 3 meals a day as I have advised?'
Lady: 'Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day!'

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to have
their bath.
Tarzan removed his bare clothes. The animals laugh.
Tarzan asked 'Why?'
The animals replied, 'Your tail is in the front!'.

[ossy77]

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

----------------------------------

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

---------------------------------------------

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his Joke. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

--------------------------------------------------------

[t123]

Heard this in the news, 2 pandas selected to come here.

Possible following scenarios,

1)They try to escape, turn yellow and join Fa Lun Gong.
2)They come here, lan lan bo bian, go to Mandai Uni and before graduate
take the PR offer
3)They come here via an agent take WP and serve our Politicians when they
have breakfast with them like Ah Meng.
4)They come here take S pass and teach the other animals Mandarin.
5)One of them, the dialect is Hokkien, heard saying WAU LAN EH, MANA UH
YAH.
6)They spoke in Sichuan, 听说那里要缴公积金。

[fkwks]

LOL thats a good one bro t123.

[roastduck]

Speaking of sex

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club.

The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.

The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.

Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.

The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw.

Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

[roastduck]

Pre-nuptial agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.

The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

[roastduck]

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man.
"We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

[Cornish]

The reason I fired my secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

[Cornish]

Russian War College


At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.

For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

[Cornish]

Lawyer Joke

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant didn't answer.

The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signed to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signed back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather asked, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Cornish]

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy.

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Cornish]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don’t have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Cornish]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

[Cornish]

Cuban knowledge!

Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good Pepito! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people,for the people, shall not perish from the earth’"?

Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.",

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pepito,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pepito put his hand up."J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961."

At that point, a student in the back said," I’m gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pepito says, "George Bush Sr. to Japans Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pepito jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!, we better get the hell outta here!!"

Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

[Cornish]

The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home. That woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.

"Nice seeing you ladies," he says. "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"

His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants a kiss right on the head. All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say anything. The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down to play cards.

After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask. Why do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"

"Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"

[Cornish]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[Cornish]

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an old Australian ABC television interview between a female broadcaster and General Peter Cosgrove (ex head of the Australian Defence Forces, and now all round nice guy doing lots of non-Army crap) who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters (he was still the Army boss at this time).

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[bakylotus]

FATHERLY ADVICE

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly and told her, 'Your
young man told me today he wanted you for his bride, and I gave
him consent'.

'Oh Papa', gushed the daughter, 'its going to be so hard leaving
Mother'.

'I understand perfectly, my dear', beamed Mr. Jones, 'You just
take her with you'.

[konnects]

For Old Times Sake

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'

[konnects]

Nude Running

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

[konnects]

Hypnoptic Lovemaking

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

[konnects]

Helicopter Lessons

A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?"

"Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.

Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.

at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"

At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"

At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!

Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed.

"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"

[konnects]

Leaving Early

A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"

[konnects]

Taming The Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[seesaw]

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the baby-sitters teeth."


--------------


Sex Education Alphabet


"A" for......Asshole
"B" for......Boobs
"C" for .....Cunnilingus
"D" for......Dick
"E" for......Entry
"F" for......Fondling
"G" for......G-spot
"H" for......Handjob
"I" for........Inside
"J" for.......Jerks
"K" for......Kiss
"L" for.......Lesbian
"M" for......Man
"N" for.......Nipples
"O" for......Oral
"P" for... ...Penetration
"Q" for......Quicky
"R" for.......Rape
"S" for......Strokes
"T" for.......Trio
"U" for.......Undressing
"V" for.......Vouyerism
"W" for......Womaniser
"X" for........X X X
"Y" for.......Young
"Z" for........Zest

[seesaw]

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

[seesaw]

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied,"You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.

Upset, she asked where he'd been.

The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[seesaw]

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[seesaw]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.

The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.

She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.

The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.

Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

[roastduck]

See how it feels!!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful ...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh NO! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh NO! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forge to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted you to see how it feels when I'm driving with you in the ******* car."

[roastduck]

Don't worry

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left.

A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

[roastduck]

Chinese proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

[roastduck]

Words and phrases women use

"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

"Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

"Loud Sigh"
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks"
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

[roastduck]

Men are like.....

Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like the weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders.
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like government bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright

[roastduck]

Breast awareness

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)

[bakylotus]

AH BENG JOKES


Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his phone book and said,
'My mobile number has changed,
Earlier it was Nokia 3310, now it is Nokia 6610'.

Ah Beng: 'I am proud, 'cos my son is in Medical College'.
Friend: 'Really, what is he studying?'
Ah Beng: 'No, he is not studying, they are studying him'.

Ah Beng: 'Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night'.
Doctor: 'Take this tablet, you will be ok'.
Ah Beng: 'Can I take tomorrow, tonight final game'.

Ah Beng: 'If I die, will you remarry?'
Wife: 'No, I will stay with my sister. If I die, will you remarry?'
Ah Beng: 'No, I will also stay with your sister'.

Ah Beng: 'People consider me a God'.
Wife: 'How do you know?'
Ah Beng: 'When I went to the Park today, everyone said,
Oh God, you have come again'.

[seesaw]

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLYFABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDEWORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the head shaker.

"One of them has scratched outThe phone number!"

[seesaw]

Rejected Slogans

Microsoft:
"How much are you going to pay today?"

Penis Enlargement Specialists:
"It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"

Eggs:
"The Incredible Edible Ovum."

Iguana:
"The other green meat."

Daisy Air Rifles:
"Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

Nike:
"Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Radio Shack:
"You've got questions; we've got geek losers!"

Canon Photocopiers:
"Quit calling them 'Xeroxes', dammit!"

Trojans:
"Just add meat."

[konnects]

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said, "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

[konnects]

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious., "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again."

[konnects]

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[konnects]

Two New Elements

1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if
not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


***************
2. Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can
get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.

[konnects]

Free Sex Contestants

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

[konnects]

Adam And Eve

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."

[bakylotus]

AH BENG JOKES II


Ah Beng complained to the police, 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in the house'.
Police: 'Why the thief did not take the TV?'
Ah Beng: 'I was watching the news on it'.

Ah Beng comes back to his car and finds a note saying,
'Parking Fine'.
He writes a note and stick it to a pole, 'Thanks for the compliment'.

How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the
teacher erases from the blackboard.

Once Ah Beng was walking with one hand with a glove and the
other hand without one.
So a man asked him why he did so.
He replied that the weather forecaster announced that on one
hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Ah Beng was in a bar when his cellular phone rang. He picks it
up and said, 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

[beary]

From the American Association Of Retired People



Questions and Answers from AARP Forum



Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"



SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

[beary]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful young Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door, and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "Well, by hiding the young woman you placed the two of you in great danger. Two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[balidubai]

Tattooed Privates !

Brad gets home late one night and his wife, $$$$$, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Brad replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred Euro note on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Euro note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one… I like to watch my money grow. Two… once in a while I like to play with my money. Three… I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly… instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow 100 Euro anytime you want."

Brad is recovering nicely in hospital.

[balidubai]

Hooker Wife

Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.

He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.

She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'

[balidubai]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

[balidubai]

Confounded Sex

A man was in a terrible accident at home and his penis was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his member, but that he was not covered by insurance at work, nor the Government insurance and his private health insurance wouldn't cover the surgery as, luckily, he was not incontinent and with his testes intact he would not suffer premature hypogonadism and, as he had a vasectomy the operation would not be considered a medical necessity, but "cosmetic".

The doctor said that the cost would be $5000 for "small", $7500 for "medium", and $10,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

[balidubai]

Honey, I Found Your Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

[balidubai]

Faithful Wife !!!

A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's always that doubt. There's always that little doubt."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.

"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's always that doubt."

The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.

"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out."

"Then what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.

"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."

"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's always that doubt!"

[balidubai]

Honeymoon Moments

Two newlyweds went to their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discoloured.

"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio. It only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles. It only effects the knees."

When he removed his underpants his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me ….. you also had smallcox!"

[balidubai]

Magical Vibrator

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

[balidubai]

The Bronco Machine

Tim and Joe went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look.

"What's going on?" Tim asked one of the crowd. "We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.

"Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can."

"I can do that!" Tim said confidently.

"No you can't," said Joe.

"I sure as hell can!" said Tim.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Joe.

"Watch this," said Tim and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Tim clung to its back.

After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Tim was a blur.

But when the three minutes were up Tim was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Joe.

"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Joe asked.

"Remember three months ago," Tim said... "When my wife had whooping cough...?"

[roastduck]

Suitable punishment

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[roastduck]

Eileen who?

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"

The bartender replies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?"

[roastduck]

Who is drunk?????

The Five Stages Of Drunkeness

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.
Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

[roastduck]

A man, a woman, and a cop

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

[roastduck]

One last night

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

" Yeah, except today is the last night."

[roastduck]

Me drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.

"Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[dexblu]

Confucious says

Man with feet on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily a dentist.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on !!!
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
War is not to determine what's right. War is to determine what's left.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient !!!
Man with hand in pocket feels cocky all day long.
Girl who sits on judge's lap gets honourable discharge.
Man who runs backwards through airport turnstile is going to Bangkok.

[Cornish]

Learning Math

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.

Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.

Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

[Cornish]

Phone Problems

Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt.

A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That did not strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.

"Do not look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I could not figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"

[Cornish]

Cold Water

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend.

He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.

The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted the old man from inside.

[Cornish]

The Old Days

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.

They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more".

They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.

The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

[Cornish]

Before The Cellphones

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

[Cornish]

The Fiancee

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[Cornish]

Bus

The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."

[Cornish]

Origin Of The Human ..

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says they were developed from monkeys."

The mother answers, "Well dear, it's very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your father told you about his side."

[Cornish]

College Diploma

A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, "And here is something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!"

[Cornish]

Where Babies Come From

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"

After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear.... mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room..they kiss, hug and have sex."

The child looks puzzled. The mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."

The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

The Mother says, "Jewelry dear."

[zhangzhong]

Where Babies Come From

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"



Very funny!

[konnects]

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother,
"How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought
us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the
stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny
handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to
write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my
family for three generations."

[konnects]

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.

She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

[konnects]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[konnects]

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."

[konnects]

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher
singled him out.

"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary,
$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

[konnects]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!"

[bakylotus]

AH BENG JOKES III


Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race. The winner will get the cup.
Ah Beng: If only the winner will get the cup,
why are the others running?


Teacher: 'I killed a person, convert this sentence
to future tense'.
Ah Beng: 'The future tense is, you will go to jail'.


Ah Beng told his servant, 'Go and water the plants'.
Servant: 'It's already raining'.
Ah Beng: 'So what? Take an umbrella lah'.

A man asked why Najib Rajak goes walking in the
evening and not in the morning.
Ah Beng replied, 'Najib is PM not AM'.

[Cornish]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10,
who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that,
if any mischief occurred in their town,
their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a
clergyman in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning,
with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question
in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room,
ran directly home and dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet,
he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"

[Cornish]

Technological Doctor


One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

[Cornish]

Viagra Mickey Finn!


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to
make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years...
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

[Cornish]

The Colonel and the Camel


It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

[Cornish]

Dirty Words


One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".

Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says...
"Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

[Cornish]

New Scope


A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says,
"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Cornish]

Virginity


Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and
says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me"?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the *@#% was that?

The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"

[Cornish]

The Facelift


A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

[Cornish]

50 things to do at Walmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear,"Who BUYS this crap anyway?"
15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, "Wow,Magic!"20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet FLoor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying , "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they spell "hello" upside down.
29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible"38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphebetize" the CD's in electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.
47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream,"No,no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[Cornish]

Parrot with no legs


This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.

The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything that you can give me?" The bartender says, "I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.

The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, "Sure I can talk!"

The guy thinks for a second and then says, "I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man."

The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: "Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!"

Man: "Then what happened after that?"

Parrot: "They started taking each other's clothes off."

Man: "And then what?"-getting more angry

Parrot: "Your wife started jacking him off!"

Man: "What next?"-really steamed by this time

Parrot: "She started giving him a blow job!"

Man: "And what then, did they do anything else?"

Parrot: "I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!"

[bakylotus]

AH BENG JOKES - FINALE


Ah Beng said, 'Bor si kanna TV, girl flen si kanna handphone.
At home watch TV, go out bling handphone. No money sell
TV, got money change handphone. Sometime enjoy TV tapi
mostly play with handphone. TV free for life but handphone
if don't pay, service kanna potong!


For non hokkien speakers, translation as follows:

Bor - wife
si kanna - is
tapi - but
potong - cut

[Cheonging101]

The Old Days

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.

They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more".

They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.

The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"


Sorry, I'm too stupid to understand this joke.:o

[beary]

She was only the ........

Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.
Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.
Athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores!
Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box!
Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.
Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.
Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.
Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
Draught man's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.
Electrician's daughter, But she light up half the town.
Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise.
Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.
Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone.
Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
Ganges's daughter, But she knew the fettles length.
Garage mans daughter, but she didn't like the smell of benzols!
Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver :^)
Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!
Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure.
Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.
Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
Moon shiner's daughter, but I love her still.
Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.
Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all
Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.
Photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.
Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean.
Postman's daughter, But she always had mail in her box.
Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.
Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
Tree feller's daughter, but tree fellas were never enough for her.
Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff.
Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck!
Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.
Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
Wood-chopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles.

[beary]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Well, Shit Happens!!

[seesaw]

The teacher says, 'Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it.'

Claude says, 'Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework.'

The teacher says, 'Very good, Claude.'

Mary says, 'The sky is very dark... Perhaps it's going to rain.' The teacher says, 'Very good, Mary.'

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, 'Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano.'

[seesaw]

The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he gets on the bus that will carry him off to join the Army: "Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago.

There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave jeopardy.

When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all, there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is simple –

What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET."

[seesaw]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who didn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[seesaw]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[seesaw]

Lame Pick-Up Lines


1) You look pretty cute. FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

2) I wish you were a bag of skittles because Id love to taste your rainbow.

3) Go up to a good-looking girl and say: "I'm in the process of creating a singles ad and I would like to take your measurements to put down as my dream girl's figure requirements."

4) "When I was little, my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a big Johnson, or a good memory. I forgot what I answered."

5) Have you gained weight?

6) What I lack in appearance, I make up for with enthusiasm/talent...

7) If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

8) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

9) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much did you drink?

10) You must be the reason for global warming because your hot.

[seesaw]

Advice to Men About What Women Want

1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.

4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at ... say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo ...

5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should *know* if she came.

9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

[seesaw]

How to Piss Off A Woman


Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

[seesaw]

An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview, the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together.

A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" asked the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."

[seesaw]

How to Make Love Like a Man

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

[seesaw]

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

· Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

· Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

· Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING
person in the world.

· Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

· Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

Remember, Don't Drink and Drive! (you might spill it!)

[seesaw]

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH

· Yes = No
· No = Yes
· Maybe = No
· We need = I want
· I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
· We need to talk = I need to complain
· Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
· Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
· Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
· I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
· Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
· You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
· Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs
· You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
· Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
· It's up to you = The correct decision should be obvious by now
· You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
· I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
· How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

· I'm hungry = I'm hungry
· I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
· I'm tired = I'm tired
· Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
· I love you = Let's have sex now
· I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
· What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
· I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?
· May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men
· You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next 10 minutes
· Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
· I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[bakylotus]

SMILES - GATE CRASHERS

It was at a party and the host was getting worried
because there were too many people and not enough
refreshments.

She was sure that not all these people were invited
but did not know how to tell which ones were the
crashers. Then the husband got an idea.

He turned to the crowd and said, 'Will those who are
from the bride's side of the family stand up please?'
About twenty people stood up.

Then he asked, 'Will those of you who are from the
groom's side of the family stand up as well?'
About twenty five people stood up.

Then he smiled and said, 'Will all those who stood up
please leave, this is a birthday party!'.

[bakylotus]

MAHARISHI PHUCKNUCKEL'S GUIDE TO ZEN


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and
leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before dawn. So
if you are going to steal your neighbour's milk and
newspaper, thats the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air, it only becomes really important
when you aren't getting any.

5. Don't aspire to become irreplacable. If you can't
be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. Remember, no one is listening to you until you fart.

7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you are dead or
alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you are
a mile away and you have their shoes.

[Roman city]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”

[Roman city]

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says “I’ve got a Rolls Royce — keep it until the loan is paid off — here are the keys.” The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, “Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?”

The man answers, “I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?”

[Roman city]

When Ah Tan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles club where he checked out the girls there and met the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty was astounding it took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 15 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother

[Roman city]

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the bar was Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg. After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him.Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up, he yelled, “What the hell was that for?” The director ranted, “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor; my dad perished in that bombing!” “I am not Japanese, you idiot! I am Chinese!” “Yeah, yeah,yeah…Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same”, retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat to the floor.

“What was that for?” exclaimed the director. “That’s for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!” the Chinese replied. “You ignorant man! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!” shouted the director. “Yeah, yeah, yeah…Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you are all the same!”

[ilovelife.now]

Wife : Darling, I had a dream yesterday.
Husband: What is that?
W: That you bought me a new diamond necklace as a surprise gift. What does it mean?
H: Oh, then you have to wait till evening to find out.

Wife waited patiently till evening and as soon her husband came, she could barely conceal her excitement. He gave her a parcel which had a book - "Dreams and its meanings"

[Roman city]

In a shop one day…

Ah Lian: “Eh Ah Chek (Uncle), you got sell stocking up to knee?”

Ah Chek : “Pretty girl. You siao ah?! (You crazy?!) Stocking wear up to ‘yeo’ (waist) only, where got up to the ‘nee’ (breast) one.”

[Roman city]

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they are not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.

Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, “Wah lau!!!, How you know one?” The first Ah Lian reply smugly, “Easy lah.. G for Gero (Zero) mah…”

[Roman city]

Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng’s colourful attire, his mind screamed, “Not this man!!”

Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, “If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!”

“The words are “Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black”.

Ah Beng thought for a while and said “I heard the phone go green green (ring ring), and then I went to pink (pick) up the phone and said yellow (hello). Blue’s (Who’s) that? White (What) did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don’t purplely (purposely) disturb people and don’t call black (back), ok?”

Ah Beng got the job

[ilovelife.now]

Two dogs were at a veteniary clinic. The first dog asked the second one..
"Why are you here?"

"Well, I drunk from my master's bottle and shitted all over the carpet, peed on the car's seat, and finally bit off the baby's toe. So they are going to put me to sleep.. *sob*" cried the second one.

"Well, I too drunk from my master's bottle and she woke up and bent down to pick up the bottle. I loved her back and I put in her and did her there and then"

The shocked second dog said - "So, they are going to put you to sleep?" "No! My nails are going to be cut!" said the first one.

[ossy77]

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

[ossy77]

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[ossy77]

A fire alarm rang at 4 PM at our office when almost all the employees are in office (approx 2,000).
As usual, the entire office was evacuated within 5 minutes and every employee gathered outside at the designated location(s).

10 minutes passed... then 5 more minutes passed, but no information or update. After more than 15 minutes of standing outside the office, the following announcement was heard over the PA system:

Dear Employees, with a heavy heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be the last evacuation drill.
Due to recessionary pressures, the company is laying off almost 50% of the employees. While moving back into the office, if your Access Card does not work, you are amongst those laid off. All your belongings will be couriered to your residential addresses tomorrow.

We have followed this approach as we did not want to fill email boxes with layoff instructions and consequent good-bye emails in thousands.
We also wanted to avoid any fist-fights inside the office premises.

Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in NOW and try your luck.

[ossy77]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who
greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more
slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry,
Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh

[seesaw]

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says. "Yeah, you think that's bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me over a salad."

So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!!!"

[seesaw]

Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger brother, Kevin, on how to make love to a woman.

"You need to start off slowly" explained Joe, "build up the tempo, then slow it back down again, then mix it up a little - fast then slow."

Kevin seems a little unsure, so Joe shares a technique he uses to keep focused. "When you're having sex, imagine that you have a pocket full of change. Start out slow and gentle and think of a nickel. Increase the tempo and think of a dime. Step it up a bit more and think of a quarter. Then, as you really build up, think of a dollar. Finally, drop back to a nickel again and repeat the whole thing. You'll drive any woman wild with desire."

Shorty after this, Kevin finds himself about to have his first sexual encounter and he decides to use the advice his brother gave him.

He starts out real slow and in his mind he's thinking, "nickel.... nickel.... nickel.... nickel... dime... dime...dime.. quarter.. quarter..dollar-dollar-dollar BUCK FORTY!-BUCK FORTY!-BUCK FORTY!!!

[seesaw]

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

[beary]

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!




WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.



CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean Ok? I thought it was a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.



Spelling lesson
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

[beary]

BROTHEL FIRE

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed.

She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings! She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand.

He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman urgently screams out, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well, if you see her, screw her. It's paid for!"

[ossy77]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.


They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.


The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".


The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.


The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.


The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999



Please up me if you liek my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Ah Beng was on a motorbike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip.

Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians when they rode over a hump, Ah Beng heard a loud bang. He asked Ah Lian: 'Lew lian wu kalau boh?(durians got dropped or not?).'
Ah Lian shouted: 'boh kalau lah!'

So Ah Beng continued with the journey.. When they reached home, Ah Beng got down from his motobike and was shocked to see that Ah Lian was not wearing a helmet.
He asked Ah Lian: 'Where is your helmet?'
Ah Lian was very angry and replied: 'Just now I already told you 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!'


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Hypnotism

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache.


It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,


She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Got Two Cows

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.




AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times
the milk.

You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market
them World-Wide.




A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.




A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them..

You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.

You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.




AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them..



A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.

Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0..60 or you cut the
supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now
want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that
comes from recycled
cows or the cow urine instead.

Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.



And last but not least,



A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

One cow-peh and one cow-bu.


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Mr. Singh and Mr. Singh, two friends not noted for their depth of intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their relatives in the town of London Transport, England. The first Mr. Singh was interviewed by the officer in charge.

"Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the mental resources to survive your trip to London", he said, demonstrating his cultural understanding of the applicant. "Let's see, now - if I poke you with this pencil in your left eye, what will happen?

"I'll be blinded in my left eye, sir".

"Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in your right eye, what will happen?"

"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."

"Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colors. Enjoy your trip."

Mr. Singh then rejoined Mr. Singh in the waiting room, and described his experience. "It was being very easy, Mr. Singh. That very nice officer Sahib ask you two questions, and you are answering only "I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir", and then "I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all", and then you are getting the visa straight away."

So the second, and slightly more comprehension-impaired Mr. Singh, went into the interview room. The officer took the same approach: "What would happen if I took these scissors and cut off your left ear?"

"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".

"Hmmm. What would happen if I cut off your your right ear?"

"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."

The officer was a little perplexed by these answers. "Now Mr. Singh, I find your answers very difficult to understand. How could it be that cutting off your ears would have anything to do with your eyesight?"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear - I should be explaining myself. If you cut off my left ear, my turban will fall down on the left side and cover my left eye and I'll be blinded in one eye. And then if you cut off my right ear, my turban will also be falling down on the right side and I'll be blinded in my right eye and I won't be able to be seeing anything at all!"

Mr. Singh got his visa

Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we
have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human
Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do
with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I
have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell
and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend
an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay
in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St.
Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had
worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and
opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24
hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came
and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied,"Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again
she went down-down-down back to Hell.When the doors of the elevator opened
she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and
we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee...


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA,
Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions :-

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Malaysia : Light bulb
Miss Singapore : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting
with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Malaysia : Leopard
Miss Singapore : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Malaysia : Lamborgini
Miss Singapore : Lolls- Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the
letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Malaysia : Lychee
Miss Singapore , with full of confidence, smiles and says:
LIEWLIAN !! (durian)

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to
determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified; and they decided
that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems With the letter 'L',
they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with
the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore :



LJ !!!
The Judges fainted ...

Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Three POWS were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they would be shot at while
they ran 100 metres. If they survived after that they would be set free. So the three, a British, a
Japanese, and a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang! They started to run like they never did before.

At the 80 metre mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted,
"Long Live the Queen" and died.

At 90 metres, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he
shouted, "BanZai" and died.

Now the Singaporean was at 93m , 95m , 98m ,99m...... ......
Bang!! He too was shot down. Before he died, he shouted "KAYU LAH!! One metre also no discount!"


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[bakylotus]

MAHARISHI PHUCKNUCKEL'S GUIDE TO ZEN II

1. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

2. Give a man a fish and he will eat a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.

3. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never
seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

4. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

5. Some days we are like the flies, some days we
are the windscreens.

6. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

7. Good judgment comes from experience, experience
comes from bad judgment.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.

9. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

10. There are two theories about how to win an argument
with a woman. Neither works.

11. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your
lips are moving.

12. Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

13. The most wasted day of all is one which we have
not laughed.

[uncle gg]

YouTube - Smart Dog! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXYJ1CQv9Yg)

smart dog!:D:D

[TAI TAI]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still
pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[TAI TAI]

A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho.

After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers:

When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her.
When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car.
Tonight, my parents will fuck.
Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman,

AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!

[TAI TAI]

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.
Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"


submitted by: macraez

[TAI TAI]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

[TAI TAI]

A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captian
Guy: capt. capt.! theres no women on borad what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happed!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!

[TAI TAI]

So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one.
I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "Oh hell yeah they all say" so I’m telling them about mine.
So I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area.
It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where.
so i’m like oh shit "holy shit what did she do" asks my friend
I reply "The first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaaaahhh!"

[TAI TAI]

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you’re bad luck....."

[TAI TAI]

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor’’Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis’’ the doctor told him ’’Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself’’ Bob asked’’ Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom’’ The doctor says ’’Sorry theres nothing we can do’’ So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain ’’ So what did the doctor say?’’ Bob says’’ Doctor said your gonna die"

[TAI TAI]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[TAI TAI]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

[sexed]

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

[sexed]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[sexed]

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[sexed]

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

[sexed]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[sexed]

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

[sexed]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[sexed]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

[sexed]

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

[sexed]

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

[sexed]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."